Reform convention offers separate services

First the liberal movements discovered the mikveh. Now the Reform movement is thinking of implementing its own version of yet another politically incorrect Orthodox practice.

The recent biennial convention of the Union for Reform Judaism offered a men-only prayer service.

The rationale:

"Within the Reform movement we've confused gender stratification with gender differentiation," said Barden, a major proponent of the separate-but-equal approach. "We need to reverse the disaffiliation of men without setting the egalitarian clock back 30 years." Women are more religiously active in most faiths in this country, and have been for a century. But the gender gap in Jewish life, particularly in the liberal movements, has grown greater in recent years.

I recommend the whole article:

Reform Try Separating Sexes in Order to Woo Men Back

Headache help?

Israeli blogger Trilcat is suffering from constant, severe, headaches. Her doctors haven't been able to help, and she could use some support.

Update

Burkas--The new fashion

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The Lost by Daniel Mendelsohn

I've been reading Daniel Mendelsohn's book, The Lost: A Search for Six of Six Million. Mendelsohn grew up in an assimilated family in New York. In the background of his visits to his older relatives in Florida lay a story about a great uncle who remained in the family's ancestral town of Bolechow, Ukraine, only to be murdered during the Holocaust along with his wife and four daughters. The writer's grandfather and the other siblings had already emigrated to Israel and the US.

The author intersperses his story with an analysis of Rashi's commentary on the Torah and that of the modern commentator Rabbi Richard Elliot Friedman. Mendelsohn continuously revisits the theme of sibling rivalry-- in the Torah, within his grandfather's family, and among his own siblings (he broke his own brother's arm as a child). I'm only about a third of the way through, but we can already see that the relationship between the brother in Bolechow and his American siblings is central to the story.

When Mendelsohn travels to Bolechow, Ukraine with his family, a man named Alex serves as guide and translator. Is this the same garrulous Alex with the hysterically convoluted English that appears in Jonathan Safran Foer's book, Everything is Illuminated? Everything is Illuminated is a (semi-fictional?) book about an American Jew's search for information about relatives from the Ukraine.

Mendelsohn gives Henry James a run for his money with his sentence structure:

And I might add that virtually all of the information provided by the same important source, the central database at Yad Vashem, for "Shmuel Yeger" (or "Ieger") and "Ester Jeger" (and the three daughters the database attributes to them: "Lorka Jeiger," "Frida Yeger," and "Rachel Jejger") is demonstrably wrong, from the spelling of their names to the names of their parents ("Shmuel Ieger was born in Bolechov, Poland in 1895 to Elkana and Yona," an error which, I thought when I first read this, eradicates my great-grandmother Taube Mittelmark from history,* and with her the sibling tensions that may well have resulted in Shmiel's decision to leave New York in 1914 and return to Bolechow, a decision to which his presence in this error-filled archive is attributable) to the years in which they were born and died.

*Presumably he figures out that Yona is a Hebraicized version of Taube (my own mother's name), meaning dove.

Despite its length, the passage is readable, and is an example of the way the author maintains suspense by hinting at later-to-be-revealed surprises.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest.

Do kids care if your house is dirty?

If my mother hated cleaning, she never admitted it to me. But she didn't research or think much about cleaning techniques, like she did with other aspects of homemaking.

She was fussy about guests, who were never allowed in the kitchen; she had me for serving and clearing. I didn't mind much, except when I didn't get soup because it had boiled away--sometimes she calculated too carefully. She kept the living and dining rooms, along with the front entrance, exclusively for company (a luxury most of us Israelis can only dream of). The family used the side door; she often complained about their previous house, where you had to bring groceries in through the living room.

My own friends were welcome in the house and ate in the "breakfast room" off the kitchen, with the family.

By the time I was born she could have afforded hired help, and did occasionally, but she was too private a person to feel comfortable with someone else working in the house.

I wonder how much of an issue housekeeping was for her. Was the house really dirty, even before my mother developed a chronic illness when I was twelve? Was she ashamed of the house's condition? If so, I wasn't conscious of a problem and chalked up her foibles to anxiety regarding guests. Maybe there is a lesson here: If your own house isn't so clean, chances are your kids don't care and won't remember.

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The real reason Israeli soldiers don't rape Palestinian women

We take a break for a rare political post. (Update: Link now included.)

Update: Israel Satire Laboratory's take on it--it's almost too easy.

The newspaper Makor Rishon writes about a recent study by researcher Tal Nitzan and published by the Hebrew University's Shein Center for Social Studies. According to the study, the reason Israeli soldiers refrain from raping Palestinian women in the occupied territories is not because the soldiers are more humane. In fact the opposite is true--Nitzan claims Israeli soldiers don't rape because they have been taught to dehumanize Palestinian women. Nitzan also maintains that soldiers don't want the Arab population to increase through pregnancies as a result; according to Nitzan that would be considered an ason leumi--a national tragedy.

The Israeli Sociology Association awarded the report a mark of excellence.

Here's a quote from the study:

As Israelis/Jews, who view themselves as moral, the soldiers find it difficult to commit military rapes. It seems that (in Bosnia) men identified themselves as Serbians through committing public group rapes of Bosnian women; Jews identify themselves as non-rapists, non-assimilationists, as a nation unique in the embrace of God. Rape and non-rape are two sides of the same coin, which in different situations the use of either one can lead to the same results. [emphasis and translation mine]

Nitzan notes that the Israeli army is the only one not to commit mass rapes when it occupies another country.

Somehow I doubt that Nitzan would praise Israeli soldiers if they were in the habit of raping Palestinian women.

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School challenges and culture clashes

I've lived here seventeen years, but some situations still make me feel like I just stepped off the plane.

Commenter Regular Anonymous asked me to post about dealing with difficult school personnel. I am not the person to ask, because I have problems dealing even with non-difficult school personnel. It's a combination of the language (even though I have fluent Hebrew), the culture, and the fact that I am a nice, quiet American. I can overcome the feeling of intimidation in short bursts, but then I retreat. This causes me no end of difficulty, and not just with schools.

I have a friend whose son's teacher was picking on him. They couldn't accuse the teacher because that would make the situation worse. So they asked an Israeli what to do (you've noticed that native Israelis are experts at getting things to happen in schools). He told them to tell the teacher the following: "We are concerned about our son. He is convinced that you are picking on him, but we are sure that can't possibly be true." It worked like a charm.

If you don't have anyone to advise you, or the problem is complex, consider hiring someone to serve as your advocate and mediate between you and the school. There are social workers and psychologists who will work with the school to solve a child's problem. Sometimes switching schools is the best solution, especially in a private school that may not have interest in, or resources for, expending extra effort.

Mazal tov!

A big mazal tov to Safranit, who finally had her baby weighing in at a hefty 3.86kg. No other news as yet.

Crawling: A Father’s First Year Blog Tour

Mom Central invited me to participate in a Blogtour for Elisha Cooper's book Crawling: A Father’s First Year.

Elisha Cooper (no, he’s not Jewish) is an artist and children’s author living with his wife Elise in Berkeley, California. Elisha documents his journey through the first year of fatherhood after the birth of daughter Zoë.

We have all the usual milestones: The initial shock of being solely responsible for another human being, the first time alone with a baby who won't take a bottle, the first trip to the emergency room. But he moves from humorously casting himself as a clueless father to examining his ever-changing emotions. He admits how inadequate he feels next to his wife who seems to know instinctively how to calm and care for the baby. He describes his jealousy of Zoë’s and Elise’s intense feelings for each other.

What makes the book special is how he comes to terms with these feelings and refuses to let them interfere in his relationship with his growing family. Toward the end of the year when he is caring for Zoë full-time, he writes (p. 144) "I will never replace Elise. The intensity of the look she and Zoë share when they see each other at the end of the day is not replicable. But I'm needed." He never stops trying to find unique ways to connect and interact with his daughter, and develop his relationship with his wife as they adapt to their new roles.

Another thing I liked is that certain "controversial" aspects of parenting were presented as a given. Elise nurses, with never a thought of formula (Cooper even uses breastmilk in his coffee). When Elise travels, there's no thought of leaving baby with dad. They take Zoë to restaurants regularly, and even attend weekly "baby night" at the neighborhood movie theater. In a funny scene Cooper describes a dating couple who accidentally turn up on the wrong night. Why didn't anyone in Israel ever think of welcoming babies to a movie showing?

As a mother, I felt uncomfortable with what seemed to be a cry-it-out episode when Zoë is one month old (!).

Sometimes Cooper's writing is a little crass. And even if he believes passersby who say that Zoë is the cutest baby in the world, he should have the good taste to play it down.

At first I found it disconcerting that Zoë's age is rarely mentioned; I kept wanting to check how old she was at any given point. But as I often say to mothers struggling with breastfeeding, “Watch your baby, not the clock.” Cooper focuses on his own feelings, without comparing his family and their decisions to those of others.

Crawling: A Father's First Year is attractive and well designed with short chapters. New parents will enjoy flipping through it during those late night feedings.

In which all is revealed. . .

Well, not really. But check out Frugal Journey's interview with yours truly.

Interview: A Mother in Israel

The Non-Denominational Mikveh

An anonymous reader sent me a link to an article containing an interview with the founder of the non-denominational mikveh in Boston called “Mayim Hayyim.”

"For a lot of people, the mikveh's been associated with a lot of negatives -- the second-class status of women, the denigration of women's bodies," says the play's co-author, Anita Diamant. Premiering in 2005, the play was created as a means of fundraising for Mayyim Hayyim, a state-of-the-art nondenominational mikveh opened in 2004 in the largely Jewish community of Newton, Mass., near Boston. Diamant, best known as the author of "The Red Tent," founded that mikveh, which has spawned a movement for alternative ritual baths nationwide, including one that is planned to open in 2010 in Los Angeles.

It’s interesting to me that self-described liberal Jews have decided to rally around what is generally considered one of most misogynistic, archaic, politically incorrect mitzvot and one of the first to be dropped by Reform Judaism, and dressed it up into something empowering to women and even friendly to homosexuals.

My anonymous reader (AR, not to be confused with my commenter Regular Anonymous or RA) pointed out that the article is full of problematic statements or implications.

AR objects to the depiction of a mikveh lady as stern: I got married in Israel so have not had too many opportunities to use a mikveh in America, but have never heard of a mikveh lady there as a "stern supervisor." Where are these women going? Or is this all 3-generations-old hearsay?

When I lived in the US, the mikveh lady would examine me very carefully. She used to tell me monthly that I did a much better job with my nails than women who had been married a lot longer. (I've always wanted to put that on my blog. Thanks for giving me the opportunity. I still haven't figured out what's so special about the way I cut my nails.) Here, the balanit just rattles off a list (Hair? Navel? Contact lenses? Temporary fillings?) and takes a quick glance at my nails before ushering me into the water. But I’ll never get used to having my towel tossed onto my head when I say the bracha (blessing). They didn’t do that in America.

Half the women at your Israeli neighborhood mikveh would never be identified as observant if you saw them on the street. One woman told me that she chose that mikveh because they don't make a fuss about her long nails. (You are supposed to cut your nails in preparation for the mikvah, but there can be exceptions.)

RA continues: The "only mikveh in the Boston area open to non-Orthodox Jews...was not built to welcome people to Judaism". Excuse me? Then what was it for? Taharat Hamishpacha?!

My first thought is that Diamant must be referring to people who are undergoing a non-Orthodox conversion. Presumably every mikveh is open to anyone who wants to use it, except for non-Jews and men (at least at the same time; in a traditonal mikveh men only immerse during the day). If a lesbian woman wanted to use the Orthodox mikveh, would anyone stop her? If she is talking about conversions, I find her complaint that the mikveh “was only available to them on Mondays from 9-11 a.m.” baffling. How many converts do they have in Boston anyway? Does she expect people to convert without making an appointment? She’s upset that they have to take off a day of work?

A check of Mayyim Hayyim's website indicates a bit of overcompensation in this area; it's open seven to eight hours five days a week and two additional hours in the evenings. This is despite having only three to four immersions per day (3800 over three years, according to the article). In contrast, at least 20-30 women pass through my local mikveh each evening.

My second thought is, well, I don’t have a second thought. Non-Orthodox women shouldn't need a separate mikveh. But I can see how some mikveh attendants might give some women a hard time. Or maybe the issue is that non-Orthodox women want to immerse during the day, something that Orthodox women, except for brides, generally don't do.

Here's why AR thinks the mikveh has been reclaimed:

I think mikveh is attracting attention because it is post-feminist, that is, there is no competition from men. Unlike shul, or school, and even though they have immersions for men, too, it is a very clear to everyone that this is mostly for and about the women and their uniquely female experiences (menstruation, birth, lo aleinu breast cancer...), although I am not sure the subjects of the article would accept that.

And she asks, "Wouldn't it be great if all the women who are committed to mikveh as part of ol malchut shamayim (accepting the yoke of the Torah) also thought it was the most wonderful thing? And had beautiful mikvaot to go to like the one in the picture?"

Taharat hamishpacha is a very difficult mitzvah for many women, even with stunning, rabbinate-sanctioned mikvaot like the one that recently opened around the corner from me. Maybe liberal Judaism's adoption of this mitzvah will make it easier for the ones who struggle with the concept.

What do you think?

Is homemade food worth the effort?

Reading the ingredients on purchased food spoils my appetite. Even canned tomato paste now contains fructose, making it taste like catsup. (Luckily I can still find the "pure" variety.) And I don't like to think about what's in food from restaurants, bakeries, and caterers. When I see borekas I just think "transfat."

I also don't enjoy paying for extras like starches, sugars, artificial colors, preservatives, and more.

That's why I avoid a slew of Israeli staples, including soup mixes, catsup, breakfast cereals, soy shnitzel, soup nuts, soft drinks, flavored yogurts, puddings, and snack foods (yes, you can entertain without serving Bisli). Mayonnaise used to be on the list, until I gave in to one of my children who prefers the jarred stuff. I won't share the ingredients of this item, which does have that stand-up-by-itself texture mine lacks.

Some commenters mentioned that they find it cheaper to buy applesauce than to make it. I haven't priced store-bought applesauce in a while, since we don't eat it regularly. But five or ten extra shekel for a homemade Chanukah treat is worth it for me.

A lot of things I make from scratch may not be more economical, gram per gram. I use canola instead of cheaper soy or corn oil. Whole-grain flour is a lot more expensive than the subsidized pasty white stuff. But savings on whole grains, fruits and vegetables, all very cheap in Israel (when it's not shmitta), make up for those costs. Also, what's not "worth it" for a small family can make a significant difference for a large one.

What about the cost of my time? Well, I consider money saved by cooking from scratch as part of my income, tax- and childcare-free. And cooking healthy food doesn't have to mean hours and hours in the kitchen, as I mentioned in an earlier post. In fact, a recent study compared meal-prep times between two groups of two-career couples: those cooking from scratch and those relying on convenience foods.The ones who bought prepared foods didn't save time because they tended to make more elaborate meals.

One family made a simple meal of sandwiches and edamame, using bread, cheese, greens and salmon and tomatoes. That meal took about a half-hour to prepare. Another family had a six-dish convenience-food meal of microwave barbecued ribs, macaroni and cheese, prebagged salad, bagged dinner rolls and a cookies and ice cream dessert. That meal also took a half-hour.

I had to look up edemame, but not in my Webster's. (It's amazing how many ethnic food items, like quesadillas, have become mainstream in the seventeen years since I left the US.) It won't be on my table anytime soon. Then I read this bizarre statement:

The study authors noted that the biggest time savings of convenience foods may be at the grocery store, where it's faster to grab a frozen entree than to collect six separate ingredients to make the same dish from scratch.

Well, that might be true if you're shopping for only one meal at a time. It didn't occur to the clueless study authors that four or five of the six ingredients would be used for several meals. I imagine that those who rely on convenience foods make more trips to the store because (a) they don't have room to store all those bulky packages for more than a few days and (b) they are unable to improvise when they run out of a particular item.

I have another question about this study, which says that Americans spend 22 minutes on a grocery-shopping trip. Are American stores really so efficient? Twenty-two minutes doesn't leave much time for reading ingredients and comparing prices, either.

Some convenience foods don't save any time, like matza balls from a mix. I tease one of my friends about using it because matzah balls only contain eggs, matzah meal, salt and maybe a little oil--once you are getting the bowl dirty there's no advantage to the mix. Of course the mix contains all kinds of things that make the matzah balls fluffy.

Even so the mix is probably healthier than Robin's recipe containing six tablespoons of margarine. Try her recipe for ribollita, the ultimate winter stew, instead.

I can relax a bit now that our annual family Chanukah party is over. We used Carolyn's idea for Chanukah magnets, impressing my guests.

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Microwave apple/pear sauce

My son called from yeshiva to make sure I would be serving latkes and applesauce when he comes home tomorrow. Homemade applesauce is easy to make, especially if you can find someone to peel the apples. My husband bought apples with brown spots in the shuk just for that purpose, and they waited in the fridge for a victim available child. A, my 11yo, peeled all 14 apples in two sittings.

An addition of a few ripe pears will keep people guessing; I didn't use any this time. We did use a gadget that cores and cuts the fruit into eight slices simultaneously. Put the slices in a bowl of (diluted) lemon juice to keep the apples from turning brown, in case you get interrupted or your peeling staff is slow.

Pour out the lemon juice and put the slices into a microwave-proof bowl; slices don't have to be even. The bowl should be big enough so that the juice doesn't boil over, even though this isn't generally a problem with apples (but could be with pears). Cook them on high for about a minute per apple, stirring every few minutes until the fruit is soft.

Run the fruit through a food processor, but not too much; I like the sauce to have some texture. You could also mash it with a fork. Add cinnamon and lemon juice to taste. We don't add sugar. The sauce freezes well, but I prefer to keep it for up to a week in a sealed container in the refrigerator.

Oh, and if you're looking for a latke recipe, I use the same batter as for potato kugel.

Enjoy and happy Chanukah.

Pomegranate Caption Results

Thanks to those who participated in the caption contest. I had to make some tough choices.

Here are my favorites:

רימון קטלני Rimon katlani--Fatal Grenade/Pomegranate. By Jameel.

If you drop us, do we not bleed? By Raggedy Mom. (Actually, I'm not sure that this pomegranate was dropped.)

This is your brain on drugs. by Chaya Tova Miller (Do we have ads like that in Israel?)

To those of you who didn't make the cut, better luck next time. :)

A cure for insomnia?

This morning she explained, "That way is a faster way to close my eyes."