Rashi's Daughters, Book I: Jocheved

My friend, who ordered Rashi's Daughters, Book I: Jocheved by Maggie Anton for our book club, asked me to read it and tell her my thoughts. Not having read any reviews I didn't know what to expect.

Anton introduces us to the life of the renowned classical Biblical and Talmudic commentator Rabbi Salomon Isaac of Troyes (Rashi) and his family. The oldest daughter, Jocheved, studies Talmud with her father and borrows her father's tefillin (phylacteries) to say morning prayers.

We learn about the family's meals, bathroom habits (they collect moss to use for toilet paper), menstrual cycles, parchment making and wine-making (Anton assumes that Rashi is a vintner, although this may be a myth).

It's fascinating to speculate on the daily life of an important Jewish family in the 11th century, even though the portrait of Rashi's family is too intimate and completely unbelievable. But as Anton states in the afterword, ". . . because I am writing fiction, I can say whatever I like."

The second half of the book, leading up to the wedding of Yocheved and Meir, includes long discussions about the characters' sexual frustrations and quotations of what appear to be every existing Talmudic passage relating to sex. Anton throws in some quotes from Tractate Kallah (Bride), which her readers probably think is an ancient sex manual. In fact, after reading this book you might think the Talmud is entirely about women and sex with a bit of winemaking on the side.

In one scene, Rashi catches Meir and Yocheved kissing. (The yeshiva bachurim, or unmarried students, board in Rashi's house.) After he orders her to review the fourth commandment (either Anton means the fifth commandment, honoring one's parents, or she assumes her readers follow the Christian numeration), Jocheved blames Rashi for both delaying her wedding and being away so much when she was small. Thus chastised, Rashi takes Meir aside and shares in graphic detail the difficulties he experienced on his own wedding night, because he had relied on texts with no father or brother to explain things. Finally, Rashi indicates to the engaged couple that he will look the other way if they fool around in the future.

I couldn't finish this book.

Two Pesach links

First, Abacaxi Mamao gets a little nervous:

I went to the hardware store in search of an inexpensive pot for boiling water. My sister owns only fleishig [meat, or meaty if you're a Brit] pots for Pesach, and my aunt, the coffee devotee, needed something in which to boil water that would then be used to make coffee to which milk would be added. Hence, my quest.

The clerk at the hardware store questioned my desire to purchase "the cheapest pot you've got," so I (stupidly?) explained that I just needed it for Passover and it didn't need to be anything fancy, just something that would boil water.

"Oh, Passover," he said. "Where are you going to get the blood?"

Read the rest of the post to find out what happens.

And check out Lion of Zion, as he documents the once widespread practice of comparing bitter herbs to bitter women-- at the Pesach seder.

He captions the picture above as follows:

The wife holds a double-edged sword, alluding to Proverbs (4:5): "But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword."


Hag sameach and Shabbat Shalom.

Food shortages

Apparently matzah isn't the only food in low supply. On the radio this morning they interviewed an American about the grocery chain Costco, which is limiting the amount of rice people can purchase. She couldn't remember anything similar since the second world war. They then interviewed an Israeli food expert. He was reassuring, saying that Israel produces 1.5 times the amount of food that it needs. Of the excess, half goes to the Palestinian territories and half to the US and Europe. And even though we don't grow much wheat, we have more than enough potatoes to meet the country's needs. (Pesach all year round?) That is, he continued, assuming the price of water doesn't get too high. Israel's water situation is at a crisis level and as usual our leaders aren't paying much attention.

The thought of having excess food, while our neighbors (like Egypt) are having food riots because of rising costs, does not give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

I know why there is a matzah shortage

We have been hearing about the undersupply of matzah in the US, and couldn't find any in the store this morning here either. We could have scraped through our (one day--I can't help rubbing it in again) of Yom Tov but managed to scrounge some extra from friends. I figure someone got smart and and shipped a big order from Israel to the US earlier in the week.

The shortage was all caused by my father-in-law. He bought 10 or 15 pounds of matzah on sale at the supermarket before Pesach, stored it in his basement, and flew to Israel to be with his children. Hopefully no one will raid his house.

Oy Bay is covering the story.

My husband and I both recall that our families would never rely on being able to find matzah in the middle of the week. Where he lived, you put in your Pesach order in advance and that was it. In my hometown you could find Pesach products in stores, but the supply was sketchy.

Seven reasons I haven't been blogging over the holiday

I started several posts but could not be inspired to finish any of them. Below are the main reasons, one for each day of Pesach:

1. House guests.
2. H.A.D.
3. Husband and children on vacation.
4. A trip to the Hula.
5. Hot potatoes--cooking them, that is. Lots and lots of them.
6. Hordes of delicious book club books imported by said guests. The best so far is The World to Come by Dara Horn. And not just because her name starts with an H.
   
7. Hanging loose and enjoying the fun.

Hope you are having a wonderful holiday.

Happy Pesach

A month ago I committed to writing a post a day (bli neder) until Pesach; despite a few bad days I had fun and the blogging energized me enough to get through Pesach preparations. My readership substantially increased, although recently more than half of my hits came from people searching for a potato kugel recipe. And the LA Times Middle East blog page listed this blog on its sidebar--how cool is that?

Two things made me happy this morning: My son had washed the floor after I went to sleep, and my daughter offered to help iron his shirts (I'm allergic to ironing).

Despite a few rough moments, I confess to enjoying Pesach cleaning. I don't have the stamina I used to but the work seems to have gotten done. We can only hope that I didn't forget some crucial item.

Wishing all my readers, commenters and lurkers a beautiful, kosher, meaningful, relaxing, enjoyable, delicious and memorable Passover.

"Yayn Bechorim" -- The wine of the first-born

Today is Taanit Bechorot, the fast of the first-born, which commemorates the fact that Jews in Egypt were spared the tenth plague. Because this year the fast would have fallen out on Shabbat, it got moved up to Thursday. At any rate, no one really fasts. Instead, bechorot (first-born sons) attend a siyum exempting them. Just about every synagogue has one after shacharit (morning prayers).

What do you do if you are the parent of a bechor who is too young to fast? The father usually attends a siyum in his place. But I know of a woman who actually fasted on Taanit Bechorot; her husband was also a bechor, so she felt that the obligation fell on her. I don't know why she didn't just go to a siyum if she felt it was necessary. My husband is a bechor and I never fasted when my oldest was a baby. (And I didn't go to a siyum either.) I know there's not usually much to eat on the day before Pesach, but still.

As my husband was coming out of shul this morning a young woman drove up; she told him she had heard that it was possible to get "yayn bechorim" (wine of the first-born) at that synagogue. The woman explained that she was planning to drink it on Pesach, in lieu of fasting today. My husband had never heard of it. Have you?

We don't even remember. . .

West Bank Mama wrote about her favorite parts of Pesach. I think mine might be the end of the first day, after Yom Tov is over and I realize I don't have to make another seder.

After I wrote my last post it occurred to me that we must have had two sedarim the year my son was born in New York, so I asked my husband if he remembered the second one. He also drew a total blank. That was the last time we had two, because we made aliyah the following fall. Conclusion: The second seder is completely forgettable.

Actually, I do remember the second seder from when I was a child. My parents always invited an unmarried, elderly Reform professor, for whom the second seder may have been a bit of a novelty. Or perhaps they just figured he was lonely. My parents didn't like the fact that he came late every year so they finally decided to start without him. That solved the problem.

Once, when we came to the discussion of "Arami oved avi" (a wandering Aramean was my father) in the haggadah, he made a comment. "You know, X has made great strides in ascribing this passage to E instead of to P" (a reference to scholarship regarding the alleged different authors of the Torah). This topic did not interest my father; he acknowledged the comment and continued the seder.

Keeping kids interested in the seder

Received via a community email list:

We'd like to keep our 4- and 6-year-olds alert and excited for as long as possible during the seder. Acting out parts of the haggada has been suggested but we're drawing a blank on how to do this realistically yet without delaying the proceedings too much.
Has anyone out there in Cyberspace done this successfully in previous years? Can you share your ideas?
Also, any idea how to act out the MAKOT (plagues)?

Despite not doing anything unusual at our seder, our kids manage to stay awake. Our oldest set the precedent at his first seder at age 2.5 weeks. My parents were supposed to join us, but they had been in town for the birth and brit and couldn't bring themselves to make a second trip so soon. We declined an invitation to the seder, which was just as well, because our newborn stayed awake for the entire time; my husband and I took turns walking with him.

As for older children, it helps if they have learned about Pesach in advance, and have a pictorial haggadah. I've heard of props and quizzes, but I think the most important thing is to pay attention to them, explain the text on their level, and have them fully participate in every aspect of the seder including serving. After all, the seder is full of all kinds of interesting activities; we just need to point them out.

Another thing that helps: We serve only two courses and generally end by midnight. And don't forget the naps.

Please post any suggestions in the comments.

I've been H.A.D.

I'd like to propose a new category for the DSM-XIX: Hamsin Affective Disorder, exacerbated by Passover preparations.

Presenting case: Patient awakens to dishwasher parts strewn over the bathroom; floor covered with crayons, toys, papers and garbage bags; opened half-empty cabinets; counters covered with impossible-to-categorize items including bottles without covers, a six-year-old box of kosher gelatin, two half-open bottles of dish detergent, more dishwasher parts, and a bag of wrongly sized garbage bags.

Patient planned to escape and take assorted children to town to accomplish long-procrastinated errands, but when hit in the face by desert wind (that the forecaster assured her would be finished today), patient closed all her windows and shutters and seriously considered rolling into a ball and crying.

Pesach Crisis Cleaning

When it comes to Pesach I don't like to talk about where I'm "holding," because I don't want to hear that my neighbor has set her seder table while my house looks like a tornado ran through it. But those who are inspired by others' progress should look here.

This is for my readers who are having trouble getting started with Pesach preparations. It's all practical; no inspiring words tonight.

Mom in Israel's guide to Pesach cleaning

Make a schedule including a column for each day. Mark any appointments you have, and pencil in the Pesach chores that are left. Try to distribute the heavy jobs among different days, according to when you will have help.

Keep in mind that anything you plan to kasher must be cleaned carefully and cannot come into contact with hot chametz for 24 hours prior to kashering.

Anything not coming into contact with food does not need to be cleaned, only checked for edible chametz.

Here are the jobs, in some kind of logical order. Skip anything that doesn't apply to you.

• The refrigerator and freezer. Empty them and clean carefully.
• Chametzdik Menus. As you empty cabinets and the refrigerator/freezer, sort food into the following categories: Kosher for Pesach, eat before Pesach, sell (chametz), put aside (not chametz, but not KFP either), and give away/throw out. If you need more food, add it to your shopping list.
  
• Cover one shelf of the fridge and freezer with newspaper for the last of the chametzdik food.
  
• Cabinets. Empty out and line one or two cabinets for Pesach food as early as possible. Continue to prepare cabinets as you finish up the cooking and can put away utensils you no longer need. If you come across an item that you haven't used since last Pesach, give it away.
  
• Don't clean more cabinets than you need. Wipe off the crumbs and gook, and ignore stains. If it's convenient, put Pesach utensils in the cabinets as you prepare them.
  
• Bedrooms. The kids should do their own, if they are old enough. If you are compelled to clean every toy small children might use during the holiday, set aside a few and pack up the rest. Check backpacks, pockets, purses and drawers. Don't clean them.
  
• Plan menus for Shabbat and the seder. Make them simple. Mark down any items not on your standard shopping list.
  
• Shopping. The longer you wait, the more crowded the stores. Pick a calm, quiet time to write the list, and don't forget non-food items like toilet paper, dish and laundry detergent, candles, toothbrushes and cleaning supplies. Avoid going to more than one or two stores, and if no one in the family can help, go with a neighbor (at least in Israel).
  
• Set aside utensils to be kashered. Arrange for the sale of chametz.
• Clean the car. Or at least check it.
  
• Keep up with the household laundry. If the leader of your seder wears a kittel (special white robe) is it clean? Any summer clothes you want to take out? Ironing? Linens? Tablecloths and dish towels?
• Check that medicines are kosher for Passover.
  
• Scrub the top of the stove, grates, and knobs.
  
• Clean and kasher the oven.
  
• Clean and kasher the dishwasher. Since this involves taking it apart and cleaning a million pieces individually, you may decide it's possible to survive without it. Ours is electronic so the timer will be useless anyway by the time the seder rolls around this year.
• Vacuum the sofa, or at least pull up the cushions and look for chametz. Maybe you'll find something good.
• Polish silver. Not essential but nice--maybe you can find a pre-teen who is available.
  
• Haircuts and clothes shopping, if necessary.
• Kasher utensils.
  
• Finally, clean, kasher and cover the counters and sinks.
  
• Cook. Start with the items that keep well. As soon as I "turn over" the kitchen I make the mayonnaise, hard-boiled eggs, and egg noodles. The kids make the "ice cream" (sherbet). (I bought two boxes of macaroons; no baking for me.) Then I do the soup, haroset, meat and vegetables, leaving the horseradish for last. I calculate the vegetables I need and prepare them at the same time. For example, if I need carrots for soup, pot roast and carrot salad, I peel them all at once. Chopped onions also keep in the refrigerator. I wash all greens at once, dry them on towels, and store in the refrigerator.
  
• Last minute items: Wash floors, empty garbage and vacuum canister, open packages, set timers, and check the refrigerator and cabinets for chametzdik food.
  

Allow time after every task to clean up and "put out fires" that have built up elsewhere, and to make sure your kids are fed and supervised. Get them involved whenever you can (this is a whole other post). Take frequent breaks to eat, drink, and rest. Alternate heavy and light jobs, sitting and standing. Try to sweep and do a light mop at the end of each day (ha).

Wishing you all happy cleaning, and pleasant memories of this time for ourselves and our children.

Preschool Pesach Project: Simplified Haggadah

M., my friend and co-playgroup mother, loves crafts. I thought you might enjoy her latest project.

It started when M. found some "matzah paper" in a store. She cut and folded the thin cardboard, decorated with a matzah pattern, to make the front and back cover of the "haggadah." On the front she wrote, "Happy and Kosher Pesach."

She then helped the little girls, aged 4, make and paste different symbols according to the sections of the haggadah. Our 5 and 6-year-old sons were at her house that day, and helped by writing the "text" in crayon.

The first page contains a foil cup, to illustrate the kiddush (sanctification) on the wine:

To illustrate hand-washing, the girls made hand-prints. The karpas is just painted paper, dipped in a shiny bowl of salt-water:
For maggid, the story of the Exodus that is the centerpiece of the seder, they pasted in a book and wrote "Haggadah shel Pesach." (Pesach haggadah)
Here's the second hand-print and that matzah paper again.

Maror is more painted paper, and korech is a one-dimensional paper sandwich. My son did not want me to post this picture, because his friend misspelled korech by writing it with a koof instead of a kaf. I promised him that I would let you all know the correct spelling (kaf, vav, resh, kaf sofit).
Here's the shulchan aruch (set table, for eating the festive meal); notice the fork and spoon. We also have the tzafun (hidden matzah).
You have to lift up the paper to view the afikoman (hidden matzah eaten for "dessert.")
Here we have another cup to symbolize the wine after Birkat Hamazon (blessing after the meal) and letters cut out from the girls' painted paper that spell out Hallel (songs of praise). My daughter says her cup was red, so we had to compare her hand to the prints to make sure we brought home the right haggadah. We had.

Here she had them paint over a stencil of Jerusalem, that she happened to have lying around. Doesn't everyone?

In case you're as clueless about these things as I am, M made the pages separately (on the clean side of printed pages, of course) and then stapled them back to back, in order, inside the cover.

I thought about writing a post about how to make Pesach if you haven't started yet, but I don't know if anyone would find it useful. Have a good week.

Rabbi Metzger: Child Abuse not a Charedi Phenomenon

On Thursday morning, Rabbi Yona Metzger, the Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi of Israel, was interviewed on Reshet Bet (Channel Two--a government channel) for the program Inyan Acher (another matter).

As of now it is available on the IBA website. If someone knows how to link directly I would appreciate it.

The reporter asked him why the haredi press did not report about the recent horrific case of child abuse in Jerusalem. Rabbi Metzger replied that this is because the abusers were "not haredim," and that abuse is not a haredi phenomenon. Those who grow up in haredi communities receive a quality education and don't beat their children. As an example, he said that haredi children, as opposed to secular Israeli children, are taught not to call their teachers by their first names. He said that the abusive family were baalei teshuva (returnees to observant Judaism). Therefore the haredi press did not consider the story newsworthy.

From what I understand, both Bruria Keren and the woman from Jerusalem whose 3-year-old is in a coma were raised in observant homes and received a religious education (even though Keren later served in the army; the Jerusalem mother was American). But that's besides the point. Clearly other issues had much more to do with their failure as parents, than the type of education they received in school. After all, millions of Israeli parents grew up in the secular school system yet do not abuse their children.

He also said that the proper way to raise children is through love, and no one should listen to the advice of any rabbi who advocates beating children.

Shabbat shalom.

How did my mother do it?

Pesach-observant homemakers the world over are talking about turning over. Turning over the kitchen, that is. When they have finished most of the shopping, cleaning and kashering (making the stove, sink and counters kosher for Passover), they officially"turn over" the kitchen for Pesach. They might still have chametz around but from that point any serious cooking will be kosher for Passover.

My mother always turned over the kitchen the night before the Seder. After the bedikat chametz (search for leavened bread after nightfall) we brought down the Pesach dishes from the attic. My mother insisted that we wash them, and indeed they were covered with dust and the occasional bug. She rose early the next morning to put the roast in the oven (when I got married I learned that it's traditional not to eat roast meat for the seder--but she may have made pot roast). We ate chametz until the last minute, chosen from a tray on the breakfast room table. The children's job was to wash dishes, clean out our hairbrushes and garbage cans, and help prepare the seder plate. For lunch she fried potato latkes. Her Pesach food was easy to make and delicious. The table didn't groan from the quantities but no one left hungry either (but did I ever tell you about the soup?).

In another family, which shall remain nameless, the husband stayed up all night after bedikat chametz cleaning the oven. By the time the men left for shul in the evening, the wife was just starting to grate the horseradish for the seder plate. One of the children, on spending her first Pesach in a hotel, was shocked at the variety of food served for lunch on Erev Pesach. In her house, there wasn't any time, or anything, to eat.

At the opposite extreme, I grew up with someone whose mother "turned over" the kitchen so early that the family ate kosher for Passover food for an extra week.

My mother knew what she had to do and when. She neither procrastinated nor took on unnecessary chores. She did spring cleaning if she was able and let it go if she didn't. Most important, she didn't obsess over any one job. She did it to the best of her ability and crossed it off the list.

I can't keep it up

Too much shopping, cooking and cleaning. Sorry, Baila.

Although I think the KCC should count for at least two or three.

Free Pesach Shiurim on the Web

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I hope you are all coping well with your Pesach preparations. But if a spiritual and intellectual interlude sounds good to you, schedule some time on Sunday, April 13th. On that day (and night) Rabbi Brovender's Atid WebYeshiva is sponsoring a special series of Pesach Shiurim. You can even listen while you're cleaning--I won't tell.

Signup and participation is free.

Here's the line-up:

Rabbi Jeffrey Saks - 10:00am Israel time/3:00am NY time
Inclined Toward Freedom: On Leaning at the Seder

Mrs. Ilana Saks - 11:30am Israel time/4:30am NY time
"Because You Were a Slave in the Land of Egypt"

Rabbi Avi Weinstein - 1:00pm Israel time/6:00am NY time
Different Meanings of Freedom and the Festival of Freedom

Rabbi Moshe Morris - 5:00pm Israel time/10:00am NY time
The Halachot of When Erev Pesach Falls on Shabbat

Rabbi Yitzchak Twersky - 8:00pm Israel time/1:00pm NY time
Where Did Moshe Go? A View of the Haggada from the Vantage Point of Tanach

Mrs. Nomi Berman - 9:30pm Israel time/2:30pm NY time
The All-Nighter in B'nei Brak

Rabbi Yitzhak Zuriel - 11:30pm Israel time/4:30pm NY time
The Meaning of Rabbi Yehuda's Ten Plagues Simanim

Rabbi Yehoshua Geller - 1:00am Israel (April 14)/6:00pm NY time
Reading Maggid: Secrets to the Haggada's Midrash Encoding

Rabbi Chaim Brovender: 5:30am Israel time (April 14)/10:30pm NY time
Why is Moshe Rabbeinu Missing from the Haggada?

Click here for free signup.

How to get rid of five kilograms of flour in one week

One--Bake challah for Shabbat for our family
Two--Bake challah for my son's friend's family, who is hosting him for Shabbat
Three--Bake bread or rolls for the siyum that my son is hosting this week. A siyum is a celebration of the "completion" of the study of a tractate of the Mishnah or Talmud, or a book of the Torah. My son completed the Mishnah. I was hesitant about doing this so close to Pesach but I figure ten teenage boys means using up a lot of chametz.
Four--Bake cakes for the siyum and Shabbat
Five--Make quiche, pancakes, muffins?

All amounts are approximate, and we'll do the baking all at once, in a team. Am I the only one who spends more time cooking than cleaning this time of year?

Kosher Cooking Carnival #29: Pre-Passover Edition

Welcome to the April 7, 2008 edition of kosher cooking carnival.

Here are the previous editions:
#1,#2,#3,#4,#5,#6,#7,#8,#9,#10,#11,#12,#13,#14,#15,#16,#17,#18,
#19,#20,#21,KCCMetaCarnival,#22,#23,#24,#25,#26,#27.#28

Thanks to Batya for all of her hard work on the KCC. She will be hosting the May edition; WestBankMama in June. Contact Batya if you'd like to host. And thanks to all of the bloggers who contributed and submitted entries, including those who dragged out their Pesach cookbooks a little early.

Purim already seems like a long time ago, but you can save these for next year:

Learn about the traditional Purim food with The Origins of Hamentashen in Jewish Literature (Revisited) posted at the Seforim blog.

Yolanda Shoshana presents Cilantro Lime Rice posted at Kosher Soul Food. If you're sephardi you can make this for Pesach too.

Devo K presents Today's Photo posted at In the middle, on the right, about the challah she made for Purim.

Kreplach is another traditional food for Purim. The New York Times presents Missing Ingredient, Gone for Good - New York Times posted at NYT > Dining & Wine.

Keep this for the next time you're invited to a latke-hamantashen debate. Tip Diva presents Top Ten Tips - Winning The Debate posted at Tip Dude.

Getting rid of Chametz

Traditional Jews clear out their pantries to get rid of chametz (leavened foods) and make way for the Passover food.

If you still have flour you can try Ima shalom's Recipe Friday: Bread Machine Challah posted at Ima Shalom.

Sarah presents Sugar Snaps posted at ~ Sarah's View ~.

Got pita? Cosmic X presents Two Minute Pizza posted at ****** Cosmic X in Jerusalem ******.


Preparing for Pesach

This year Passover begins on Saturday evening, April 19 and continues through Saturday evening, April 26. Those outside of Israel observe an additional day, Sunday, April 27. This year the preparations for the festive Passover meal are more challenging because observant Jews must finish all of the preparations for Passover a day early because of the Sabbath.

The Rebbetzin's Husband presents Erev Pesach on Shabbat at
The Rebbetzin's Husband.

Dixie Yid presents Achieving Harmony at the Pesach Seder - Part 1 posted at Dixie Yid - Thoughts on life and Chassidus.

Tzipiyah presents Starting Pessah Cleaning posted at Tzipiyah.com.

Frumstepper presents Egypt and the 12 Steps posted at Frumstepper.

Here's something different: Skull-A-Day: 270. Matzo Skull A.K.A. The Skull of Affliction posted at Skull-A-Day.

If it's art you like check out Passover Postcards posted at DubiQuilts - Quilts and Fiber Arts.

Yolanda Shoshana presents Jewish Holiday Cooking posted at Kosher Soul Food.

Phyllis presents Ima on (and off) the Bima: It's That Time of Year Again... posted at Ima on (and off) the Bima.

Adena presents Passover is coming posted at MotherThoughts.

Toronto Pearl presents PPS*... posted at pearlies of wisdom.


Pesach—Kashrut and Customs

Batya presents Oy Gevalt, Kitniyot posted at Shiloh Musings.

Soccer Dad sent in Wall Street Journal tastes kosher (including Israeli) wines posted at HaKerem: The Israeli Wine Blog.

Frumhouse presents A Pesach Memory posted at Little Frumhouse on the Prairie. I think the alternative title should be "How to keep your kids from getting a shidduch."

ProfK presents To Brok or Not to Brok, That is The Question posted at Conversations in Klal.

David Linn presents Back to the Shmurah Matzah Bakery posted at Temunot.

Passover is a rough time for people with food allergies and sensitivities. Bythebay presents a New Source for Gluten-Free Oat Matzo posted at Gluten-Free Bay.


Pesach Recipes

If you are looking for something unusual check out Passover Preparations posted at Baroness Tapuzina.

Who would expect to find beef with kosher-for-Passover beer at a blog called Kosher Vegan Lasagna? You'll find that and more at Pesach Recipes.

Ilana-Davita presents Salmon in Curry Sauce posted at Ilana-Davita.

Yolanda Shoshana presents Kosher Soul Food: Passover the recipes... posted at Kosher Soul Food.

Ariella Brown presents Pesach recipes -- desserts, main, and sides all gebrokts posted at Kallah Magazine: the blog for the magazine.

Robin presents Turning up the heat - Passover Recipes posted at Around The Island.

triLcat presents Pesach Food posted at triLcat Talks about Writing, Literature, and Her Life..


Leora presents One Potato, Two Potato posted at Here in HP.

ProfK presents Where Pesach is, there Recipes Also Reside posted at Conversations in Klal.

frumhouse presents Bat Ami Yiffat Laila Yemenite Charoset Recipe For Passover - Pesach posted at Bat Ami Yiffat Laila...Means...Daughter of my People Beauty as the morning dawn

Schelly presents Carrot-Coconut Vichyssoise at Preparing for Passover posted at Tracing the Tribe: The Jewish Genealogy Blog.

sylvia_rachel presents Soup! posted at The Trailing Edge.

Raggedy Mom presents Two Pesach Recipes posted at Raggedy Mom.


Pesach Desserts

Leora presents Sponge Cake Recipe posted at Here in HP.

Jewish Blogmeister presents Kosher For Passover: Fancy Desserts: Easy Recipes posted at Jewish Blogmeister.

Steven presents Matzos that’s SOFT?!? posted at Renegade Kosher Cooking.

Ilana-Davita presents My Pesach Chocolate Cake posted at Ilana-Davita.

Tzvee presents Bernice's Favorite Pesach Recipe: Peach Kugel posted at Tzvee's Blog.

sylvia_rachel presents Two Pesachdik dessert recipes posted at The Trailing Edge.


Not about Passover:

I'll end with a few posts not connected to any holiday:

Saifuddin presents Turkish Red Lentil Soup (Mercimek Çorbasi) posted at Hakim Abdullah.

Jenny gives us a way to Share The Food You Love posted at the so called me.

Esther provides an alternative KCC at MY URBAN KVETCH: The Jewish Blogger Recipe Virtual Collective posted at MY URBAN KVETCH.

Going to Paris? Check out Food/ Kosher in Paris, 2008 posted at Michel Gurfinkiel.

Ibn mordechai talks about waiting between meat and dairy at Do We Have to Wait? posted at Da Kani Ma Chaser?.

Steven presents Kinda Renegade Coffee posted at Renegade Kosher Cooking.

Wishing you all a joyful, meaningful, kosher and delicious holiday.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of
kosher cooking carnival
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Rabbinic Advice: Abusive Parents

From the alon Komemiyut (You can download the original Hebrew here.) The column is entitled Adnei Habayit by R. Elyakim Levanon; this week's is entitled Horim Makim, Abusive Parents.

Question: I'm a 22yo single, not living at home. When I visit I find it difficult to see my father berating my mother, who naturally responds in kind. But the greatest difficulty is when one of them hits my younger siblings. It pains me, and I feel as if I want to physically prevent it, because I know how much I suffered from the same treatment. What should I do in this situation?

Answer: One of the curses in the Mishneh Torah, when the nation of Israel doesn't follow the Torah, is that, "Your sons and daughters will given to another nation and your eyes will wear out from watching for them, and you will be powerless." (Deut. 28). The emphasis is on the inability to change an existing situation. There is a feeling of despair and powerlessness accompanied by great pain. I well understand your difficult feelings when seeing your parents behave disrespectfully toward each other. And of course, the suffering of your siblings. But know that your self-control and your pain are not worthless, and they have an effect, both on the family and in heaven. An important principle: Parents educate their children, but children don't educate their parents. Nevertheless, it's proper to show your parents that their fighting causes you pain, and even to mention it [emphasis in the original]. After all, parents love their children, and they are affected when something causes the son pain. In addition, when you approach it as a single who is surely thinking of raising a family, you notice the minor details that lead to stress and anger between parents, and you can draw conclusions about how to properly build your own home in the future.

And regarding your younger siblings, who are hit by their parents. The terrible sorrow this causes is manifold. On the one hand, by parents who instead of influencing their children with love influence them through beatings, embarrassment and suffering. And second, by the children, who suffer physically and emotionally both now and in the future.

But, even so, one must be strong and not say anything to the parents [regarding the abuse] [emphasis mine]. Because it will cause greater damage. The main concern needs to be neutralizing the continuing negative influence on the siblings. Abused children can become abusive parents. Your ability to help is through love and encouragement [emphasis mine]. Try with all your might not to speak negatively about your parents, because this will cause additional pain to the children. Even abusive parents are parents. And each child must have a parental figure. Of course, there is no need to justify the parents' actions, but you can tell your siblings that the parents work hard and struggle for their children, which happens to be true. And this causes them to be stressed and easily annoyed, so they pour out their wrath on the children. A statement like this will comfort your siblings a little. And if you add a warm hug, they will no doubt be strengthened [emphasis mine].

In order to complete the picture I must add that not all physical punishment of children is negative. Today the mistaken idea is circulating that one must distinguish between different parts of the family and relate to each one separately. This leads to organizations that promote the welfare of a child, as if he is an independent unit separate from the rest of the family. Therefore the court punishes parents who hit their children, causing serious damage to the entire family through the disintegration of the family hierarchy.

"He who spares his rod hates his son," as we learned from King Solomon (Prov. 13) because sometimes one must draw "red lines" at specific negative behaviors. The rod serves this purpose regarding children. But it needs to be used only infrequently, when there is a sense of the framework breaking down. In general [parental] direction must come through love and positive reinforcement, and thus one corrects behavioral flaws. Darkness is removed through the addition of light.

But I find it appalling that in light of the multiple, severe child abuse cases that have recently come to light in Israel, a rabbi can advocate keeping abuse "in the family." Since the letter-writer doesn't specify the severity of the violence, how can the rabbi be sure that the younger children aren't in danger?

Does the rabbi seriously expect this young man to prevent his siblings from "becoming abusive parents" (and that's the least of their worries at this point, I would say) by a few kind words and a hug on his infrequent visits? What a responsibility to lay on a 22-year-old.

It's very nice, in theory, to preserve the integrity of the family by not interfering. But we know that many couples do not have even the most basic tools needed to raise their children (as the rabbi himself hinted when he said that abused children can become abusive parents). How can we advocate allowing a family at risk to muddle through on their own? No one is suggesting that the older brother run to the police to report his parents. But at least suggest speaking with the community rabbi, educator or hotline about the situation, so that this family can begin to get the help that they need.

And what about the 22-year-old himself? He is obviously in pain, but is left not only to deal with his resentment of his parents for the way they treated him, but with the responsibility of his younger siblings' well-being. He must bear all of this on his own, without any assistance except for the rabbi's guidance. He desperately needs to share his burden with a sympathetic, experienced listener so he can begin to sort through his conflicted emotions.

We are only left to hope that this young man (and others in similar situations) chooses not to follow this rabbi's advice.

Note: After I published this post a reader emailed me about her rabbi who, when he realizes he is in over his head, says,"I'm not a professional. Let's ask a professional."

The Shabbat bath dilemma

In the last comment thread Lion of Zion asks when should parents force children to do things.

The short answer is, "Never." At least not in an ideal world.

For the record, there is a movement entitled "non-coercive parenting." Its proponents believe that children are individuals and adults never have the right to inflict their desires on to their children.

I don't believe in non-coercive parenting as I have seen it described. However, I do want to avoid situations where I have to force my children to "cooperate." I want to have the kind of relationship where they will naturally want to go along with me on most issues, especially day-to-day routines. That's not easy with a three-year-old.

When our children don't do what we want, we experience a range of emotions. Frustration, because dealing with the refusal takes time and effort that we hadn't anticipated. Disappointment, because our children are not as well-behaved and congenial as we expected. And guilt, because maybe if we had done our job better, things wouldn't be this way.

Here's an example. It's late Friday afternoon and the 3-year-old needs a bath, but he has decided he doesn't want one. Let's say it's ten minutes until candle-lighting (or sunset, take your pick) and he hasn't had a bath all week.

If this were ever to happen to me (!) I would ask myself several questions:

1. What will be the consequences of him not having a bath?
2. What effect will forcing him have in the short and long term?
3. What effect will it have on me?
   

In answer to the first question: Barring exceptional circumstances there aren't any health or safety consequences if the child won't take a bath for another couple of days. (If he doesn't want to wear his seatbelt, the answer would be different.) Now if you are all invited to Aunt Shprintza's for lunch the next day, and she already thinks that your child is neglected and this pains you, you might take that into consideration. Or not.

Regarding question number two, a lot depends on the child's personality and his relationship with his parents. There are some children who, were they forced to take a bath, would continue to scream for hours on end and dig their heels in even more the next time. But some children will protest mildly but go along. If you essentially have a good relationship with the child, you might get away with something like this once in a while. But if you find yourself doing this frequently something needs to change.

The answer to question three is an important consideration for me. Ten minutes before Shabbat is not the most peaceful time of my week. If I force the child to take a bath when we are in a hurry, I might be harsher than necessary. Also, I don't want to come into Shabbat angry and stressed. For me, it's better to take a deep breath and step back from the situation. My equanimity is more important than a clean child.

Whatever the parents do, the decision-making isn't finished. They will need to sit down and think of ideas to prevent this situation in the future? Maybe the child was tired or hungry, or he's just petrified of getting soap in his eyes. Maybe he's been trying to get his parents' attention all day. Probably the parents need to find a better bath time. ☺

Shabbat shalom.

Quality time

In the end my husband and I did spend quality time with our son at the siddur party, because he sat with us in the stands while we watched his classmates perform. He sang along and explained to us what was happening on stage, like when the girls danced into the number "60" for sixty years of Israeli independence, and the girl with a cast who used only one pompom. I would have missed that.

The teacher was completely "beseder" and did not pressure him at all to participate (unlike his mother, who kept offering to take him down to join the others).

Overall the production was well done. It lasted two hours, including a few speeches. Most of it had to be choreographed and Y said he didn't enjoy the moves they had to learn. One of the songs was accompanied by a percussion concert, and Y played along on his seat. He was supposed to play the darbuka.

The kids looked they were having a good time, so perhaps they did not feel pressured by all of the rehearsals.

The other boy did the "diklum" (recitation) by himself. I mentioned to Y that he looked okay to me. Y said, "You should see what he does in school."

They showed two video clips that included close-ups of all the children. One had the first-grade boys in the synagogue praying from the siddur, taking out the Torah, and even reciting the priestly blessing (my son is a kohen). The girls' video was intended to introduce the theme of Shabbat. So after viewing the boys in the synagogue praying from their new prayer books and reading the Torah, the girls were shown cooking and cleaning (and lighting candles) for Shabbat.

Another speaker referred to all the male dignitaries using first and last names, but first names only for female ones. Fortunately I was able to point this out to his wife, who was sitting in front of me.

And yes, there were plenty of younger siblings. My own 4-year-old was quite happy at home and she would never have sat still anyway. And yes, everyone had a camera, except for me, because my son had used up the battery at a school party the evening before. I asked Y if I should find someone to take a picture of us and he said no. So we went home.

Now we can rest for a while until their chumash party. . ., held around Shavuot when the children receive the book of Bereshit (Genesis). It won't be as elaborate--one party is always a big production and the other is low-key.

And it's a good thing I didn't lay out the NIS 65.

A different kind of fashion show

Rafi of Life in Israel took these pictures at a grocery store in Beit Shemesh today, and generously allowed me to post them. (You can see his post here).


The woman is not the only one taking on extra layers; Rafi reports that the man accompanying her, presumably her husband, is wearing at least three pairs of tzitzit (ritual fringes). The little boy, though, is wearing typical "western" clothing.

Not all of the women who cover up are Keren's followers. But this woman is not wearing the "shal" typical of many Breslover returnees to Judaism.


Compare her dress with the woman below, who does have on a "shal."

Too bad Rafi and his wife didn't get an interview. . .

Party poopers

Tomorrow is Y's "mesibat siddur" (prayer-book party), a rite of passage for Israeli first graders. They are supposed to have it around Chanukah, when most of the children have mastered reading. I'm not sure what happened.

My philosophy regarding school parties is that the more elaborate the production, the more the children suffer. They've been rehearsing for about eight weeks and Y complains every single day. He doesn't like the boy he's partnered with for their "diklum" (recitation). He tallies up how many gym lessons and recesses he's missed, and expects them to be returned. His weekly geometry lesson hasn't taken place in ages.

He even complains when they don't rehearse, because (he thinks) that means they will have extra rehearsals the next day. When I asked one of the teachers about the all the practice she said they should have started even earlier. And Y seems to be doing okay with the requirements--I can only imagine what it's like for those who are less coordinated.

The schools see the mesibat siddur as a major way of showcasing their school's virtues. If the first-grade parents are impressed, they will rave about it to the parents of incoming first-graders, who are making their decisions just about now.

I can tell you about one parent who is not impressed.

A few days ago we got a long letter outlining guidelines for the party. It's "recommended not to bring younger siblings . . . This is 'quality time' with your child." How is viewing a performance considered "quality time" with one's child, especially when grandparents and older siblings are encouraged to come? Okay, I can see that the younger child could distract attention from the "star." My older daughter, who will be babysitting the "younger sibling," suggested that I stay home and spend quality time with them instead.

We can't take pictures, because it "blocks the view of others." But guess what-- for NIS 65 (about $20) we can order a DVD of the production, along with a professional photograph of the child with his parents. Do I need to tell you that I declined?

To top it all off, my son told me tearfully tonight that he doesn't want to go, because he forgot when to say his line. I promised him someone would cue him, but it didn't help. We'll speak to the teacher tomorrow morning (bli neder--really!).

Party report