This is the way we wash the floor. . .

Like so many other things, we decide whether or not to have paid cleaning help based on outside expectations. If everyone in the neighborhood has cleaning help then we need it too, right? There are worse ways to spend one's money, and doing without can be foolish in some circumstances. But overall, cleaning help falls into the luxury category.

Over the years I have had my share of ozrot (helpers). I went in cycles: Do without for a long period of time, get frustrated by a neglected house, have someone convince me how necessary it is for young mothers to have help, and finally, break down and hire one. She would come, "tut tut" over the state of the house, and restore it to order over a few weeks. Gradually I got frustrated again: by my house being taken over when I wanted to rest quietly with the baby, the conversation and attention these ladies so often demanded, their idiosyncrasies (more on that in a moment), and having to clean up in advance so they wouldn't waste time dealing with clutter, only to have the house looking a short time later like they had never been.

My first ozeret in Israel was Rachel, a young Yemenite divorcee from a large family. I considered her a "typical Israeli" ozeret, but of course there is probably no such thing. She was careful to inform me of her rights as an employee. She arrived hours late, put on the "kumkum" for coffee and then ignored it for ten minutes or longer after it whistled, used massive amounts of water and detergent, and insisted that I buy specialized cleaning supplies like "St. Moritz" (an extremely toxic substance). But worst of all was her desire to chat for long periods and give advice on all subjects. One time she went too far and I snapped at her; she was crestfallen. I had fallen for her superior attitude and abused my power as an employee. When my life is replayed after 120 years, that will not be one of my finer moments. Shortly after that I calculated how much money I owed her, based on Israeli employment law and let her go. She said I gave her too much money but accepted it. I muddled on.

Several years later I decided to try again. At this stage most people I knew had gotten rid of their ozeret and hired a menakeh (male cleaner). These were mostly illegal foreign workers. Shortly afterward the government began deporting them and fining their employers. I hired Svetlana, known as Svjeta, an older, legal immigrant who barely spoke Hebrew. Svjeta was extremely cheerful and energetic, and her lack of language skills did not prevent her from trying to communicate. But we rarely understood each other. I recall putting the cleaner into a small bottle, in the hope that this would encourage her to use less as it was easier to pour from. It didn't work; she thought I was measuring out the quantity she should use each visit. (How much cleaner you put in the water matters. Using too much is less effective and requires larger quantities of rinse water. See here for more on perfectionism.)

She ruined our area rug. In order to clean underneath she would fold it and put chairs on top, making large holes. I showed them to her but she didn't understand. I just let it go. The rug's previous owner had given it to us because it had belonged to her husband's first wife. Another of Svjeta's habits was "decorating" with items she found around the house. She made sculptures out of raw vegetables; her masterpiece involved a plastic chess piece in the antenna hole on top of the television. Svjeta left on her own; when her son left the country, she returned to the Ukraine to live with her sister.

Housekeeping used to cause me no end of anxiety, but has gotten easier in the recent years. I think it's because I (kind of) mastered washing the floor. I've given up on the help (except from my kids). If the house manages to stay neat, cleaning isn't a big deal. If it's full of clutter, the cleaning lady's work amounts to a drop in the bucket.

Floor-washing remains a challenge but here's what I do:

1. Remove everything from the surface of the floor. This is usually the hardest part of the job; a basket helps. I try to clean under the sofas on a different day.
   
2. Gather supplies: Broom and dustpan, one or two large buckets, cleanser or vinegar, several floor rags or the equivalent, squeegee with long handle.
3. Sweep well.
   
4. Fill a bucket with soapy water, hot if you have it.
5. Pour "puddles" of water in each area of the floor you are planning to wash. One bucket of water is enough for my kitchen, dining room, living room, bedroom and two bathrooms.
6. Put a "smartut," or floor rag over the squeegee. You can cut a hole in the middle of the rag and drop it over the handle. Spread the water over the surface of the floor.
   
7. Use a hard broom to scrub any stubborn spots. Some squeegees come with a scrubber on the back.
   
8. Put the rag in the hamper (I have one just for rags) and use the squeegee to "sweep" the dirty water into a drain. You can open one of the holes in the bathroom floor, or sweep it into your garden if you have one. (Don't do what the cleaner in my building does and sweep it out the front door, where everyone just tracks it back inside.) Alternatively, sweep the dirty water into a dustpan, or soak it up with a rag and squeeze it into a bucket.
   
9. Put a few inches of clean water in a bucket, and drop in two or three clean rags. Wipe the floor with the rag and the squeegee, replacing as the rags get dirty. If you want to be really Israeli you'll open up all the windows and doors so the floor will dry quickly, even in the dead of winter.
   
10. Replace furniture and put away supplies.
    

Like anything else, it takes practice. Eventually you figure out how much water to spread and the most efficient way of sweeping it up. And there's nothing wrong with doing it the American way. Happy cleaning!

"Takanah" to investigate Megeirot

This morning Makor Rishon has a follow-up to the expose of Megeirot. Here's the link to the original in Hebrew.. Click here to read all posts on the subject.

[MR's Introductory Paragraph] The investigation of Makor Rishon on the "Megeirot Method" of Sylvia Dehari drew many responses and brought about exposure of additional difficult stories. Rabbis and public figures will decide in the coming days whether Dehari emotionally and sexually exploited her "chasidot."

Yifat Erlich: The Drawers are Continuing to Open הדלתות הולכות ונפתחות

A month and a half ago, this supplement revealed a web of degradation and exploitation that befell several students of Sylvia Dehari, founder of the Megeirot system. Dehari, a widow from Gush Katif, invented a method which, through the help of inspection of drawers and household items, women attained self-empowerment and a renewed understanding of their lives. But according to testimonies that arrived at Makor Rishon, in many cases Dehari succeeded in attaining absolute control of the lives of her students. [MiI: Erlich then reviews the contents of the original article.]

Erlich continues:

This week women who left "Megeirot" met with a special component of members of the forum "Takanah," which is discussing Dehari and her methods. The forum, headed by Yehudit Shilat, was formed to handle cases of sexual harassment and abuse by influential people in the national religious community, and members include professionals in the field of law, society, and psychology, along with talmidei chachamim [religious scholars] on the highest level. "In the light of the article we received many inquiries from rabbis and women," says Shilat. "After internal discussion we decided to look into the interpersonal relationships within the Megeirot hierarchy. We called for a preliminary discussion with the participation of members of the forum's administration, in order for women who left the group and their husbands to tell their stories. The purpose of the discussion was to choose which combination [of forum members] would be appropriate for clarifying the matter."

"According to the women quoted in the article, it appears to be sexual exploitation. If a man would have done what was described, we would have labeled it sexual harassment long ago. Because the women did not find a suitable framework for dealing with the issue, with authorities accepted by the public, they decided to turn to us. In the meantime we have only heard the voices of those who have left. It's important for us to hear the other side in order to hold a fair discussion and come to an investigation of the truth."

Regular participants in the forum include rabbis such as Eitan Eisman, Elyakim Levanon, Avi Gisser, Yuval Cherlow, Baruch Gigi and Yaakov Ariel. In addition Rav Lior from Kirya Arba informed [Takanah] that after the forum passes on its findings and conclusions, he will also add his ruling.

Suicidal Thoughts

A few months have passed since my first conversation with B, who was very close to Sylvie and acted as a kind of spokesperson for Megeirot. Then, she chose to speak in general terms, as she was ensconced in her personal story. In light of the publication of the article B. was interviewed on the radio program "Hakol Diburhim," and today she is ready to discuss what happened to her. "I began to understand that I am not guilty," she explains. "I understood that mechanisms were operated on us which we could not fight. Megeirot taught us to distance us from ourselves. We were taught that if someone pinches us, it wasn't right to shout 'Ayy,' but that we need to look at it differently, to recognize that the pinching is in order to advance us."

The article continues, but that is all I have time for now. Shabbat shalom.

Friday links on women in Orthodoxy

First we have Josh Waxman of Parshablog with My Thoughts on Megirot I and II.

Then there's the story of dancers forced to cover up for the Jerusalem bridge dedication ceremony. The girls, aged 6 to 13, were told to wear hats and long skirts; see this report for before and after pictures. Some parents respond here. According to this update in the JP, the organizers chose the black ski caps to make a point.

Finally, the army has been giving some teenage girls trouble about an automatic religious exemption. I wonder if any haredi girls have been hassled.

Things I Hate About School

This is another guest post of Daughter In Israel, special for the end of the school year. [MiI: You can find the first one here.] If you are a teacher, please do not be offended, but see this post as advice for things you shouldn't be doing in the coming school year and may be the reason students don't like you. [ProfK mistakenly thought that I wrote the previous sentence; DiI did.]

So here are most of the reasons I don't like school:

• Teachers who make you feel guilty for pointing out their mistakes/giving a right answer. (Did you hear what DII said? She said that....It's very important, right, DII?)
• Teachers that say the misbehaving class isn't acting its age. (I feel like I'm in...elementary school teachers:gan/ganon /first grade. high school teachers:elementary school)
• Teachers that don't turn a ninety-nine into a hundred.
• Teachers that threaten to take off points if you won't do your homework and don't even bother checking it.
• Teachers that think they're funny also when they tell the same "joke" for the tenth time.
• Teachers that get insulted if you don't treat them as friends.
  
• Ending school at 4:00 p.m. almost every day.
  

More on the Megeirot Controversy

I believe that there is a reason some blogs attract hostile comments and others don't. I'm lucky enough to have mostly escaped negative attention, but my postings on Megeirot were an exception. A certain amount of hostility was defensiveness about Megeirot, but my post may have been too credulous of the allegations. In addition, some commenters made possibly unwarranted assumptions about Megeirot and its followers.

A recent reader, Yehuda, was extremely upset by newspaper articles about Megeirot and the subsequent blog discussion. Josh Waxman published Yehuda's story on his Parsha Blog, where he writes: I {=Josh} do not entirely agree with all the following, but I thought I would do "Yehuda" a favor and give his comment prominence. Bli neder, and if I get the time, I may dissect this next week to explain what parts I agree and disagree with, and why.

Here is an excerpt from Yehuda's comments:

My Chardei wife has been involved in megeriot for 4 years. It has absolutely changed her life and mine. She couldn't take care of our household of 8. I was washing dishes. I was doing alot of the cooking and I almost couldn't take anymore the non stop arguments between me and my wife. It was gehinnom. when I saw my wife changing, little by little, each month it was amazing. She became a Yiddeshe mother. No more anger. Her strength came back, and she does EVERYTHING in the house. She is a real kiddush hashem and speaks very nicely to the children, and me her husband. ....what a cult!!!

You can find the rest on Josh's blog (and check out the rest of the blog too!).

Teaching our children: Modeling is not enough

In my post Trusting Our Children, I wrote about things that children learn on their own. So what do we need to teach them?

I hate to disappoint you, but I don't have the answers. I can't, because they will be different for each family. Leora will make sure her children appreciate art and can express anger productively. RivkA's children have learned about physical fitness and coping with chronic illness. Sephardi Lady will emphasize being satisfied with what one has and sticking to a budget. And that is how it should be. Each of these concepts is important, some are essential, but no parent can give them all equal weight. We emphasize the skills and values that are currently part of our lives, taking into account our children's temperaments and inclinations. This is a good thing because it makes us a diverse, vibrant society.

I believe that teaching our children involves several elements. The first is expressed in this quote on education by Rav Yehuda Amital: [Hat tip: Hirhurim]

The greatest educational impact is achieved when the teacher is unaware that he is teaching and the student is unaware that he is learning. This is the meaning of "the Name of Heaven shall become beloved through you" (Yoma 86a) -- a person through his ordinary conduct should bring about a sanctification of God's Name, without even being aware that he is influencing others through his behavior. [Jewish Values, 150-151]

As we all know but often forget, modeling is critical. To quote a book blurb I saw recently, who we are is more important in how our kids turn out than anything else. But it's not enough. We also need to explain to our children what we are doing and why.

Since I just quoted Rav Amital, I'll give an example from our visit to Yeshivat Har Etzion last week (otherwise known as the Gush). To celebrate its 40th anniversary, the yeshiva invited graduates to visit with their families for the day. There were hikes, shiurim and other family activities. At mincha an announcement was made suggesting that parents take a moment to show their children about the beit midrash. Going to the beit midrash every day is a powerful statement, but if children don't understand what happens there, the impact is lessened. We have to interpret the world for our children according to our values.

Here's another example: We model safe behavior by wearing seat belts, and by expecting passengers to do the same. We refuse to drive unless children are properly restrained. But if the children don't understand why we wear seat belts, the first time they go with a friend's mother who says, "If you're sitting in between two people you don't need one," they may wonder whether that mother is right. (Kids get these "deprogramming" messages all the time.) So kids need to know that car accidents can happen anytime and anywhere, and that even a sudden stop can cause serious injury.

This concept also applies equally to Jewish rituals; we can explain that waiting between meat and milk reminds us to be compassionate to animals. Or thoughtfulness: "We need to call Grandma when we get home from the airport so she won't worry about us."

Another aspect of teaching that we tend to neglect is the "how." All too often our kids are away when we do chores and errands. When they are with us we tend to compartmentalize activities, as if quality time must involve kiddie entertainment. Then we resent it when we don't have time for anything else. (That's another post I've been meaning to write.) I find that summer vacation is a good time to teach one or two useful "hands-on" skills.

Below I attempt to categorize the types of things we teach our children. In many cases, setting an example and starting young is all you need, with some reinforcement along the way. This is prescriptive, by the way, not descriptive--I can't claim to have succeeded in passing on all of these to my children to a sufficient degree. Of course, it's hard to know for sure until they reach adulthood. And this list is far from comprehensive:

• Safety issues, like crossing streets and using helmets/car seats/seat belts.
  
• Torah, halacha, prayers, Jewish customs and culture, and Jewish perspectives on big and small questions.
  
• Learning and love of learning; how to find answers; critical thinking.
  
• Hygiene, including washing hands, toilet manners, and bathing. My 4-year-old recently decided she wants to take a shower herself, every day. She even washes behind her ears.
• Health issues, such as food safety and nutrition, exercise, sun protection, normal body function and illness.
  
• Order, caring for objects.
  
• Character traits like compassion, integrity and generosity. I don't believe these can be taught directly, but we can model and discuss them.
  
• Effective ways of expressing emotions and dealing with conflict.
  
• Everyday skills such as home maintenance, financial management and running errands.
• General behavior and manners. Sometimes I wonder whether we teach children to say "thank you" because we want them to feel grateful and show appreciation, or because we want them to be perceived as well-behaved. The answer will determine our response when they behave "badly."
  

Note: Sephardi Lady asked me about learning to talk. To me, speech falls into the category of things that we can trust our children to get on their own. A large group of normal children begin speaking late, and a proper evaluation can help determine which ones need intervention. It can be tricky. When one of my children spoke late, I found helpful information by Dr. Stephen Camarata of Vanderbilt University.

Why blog?

Commenter AR asks:

What have you gotten out of blogging these 2 years? A creative outlet? New friends? Is it the writing you enjoy most? The opportunity to help other people? Anyway I've really enjoyed reading. Thanks!

I started blogging after I began reading interesting Jewish bloggers who weren't making the points I wanted to make. And I felt I had something to contribute, especially a different approach to raising children. I most enjoy reading bloggers within the community who give an outsider's perspective: Americans living in Israel or Wolfish Musings, whose family became observant when he was a child. For a long time, hardly anyone commented (although the Blogger comments disappeared when I switched to Haloscan; I replaced some of them). But I figured that if I continued to write on interesting topics, people would show up.

I get a tremendous amount of satisfaction when I hit Post. So many times I say to myself, "This post is going to make me famous." Then I come down to earth when hardly anyone comments (lately that hasn't been an issue, thanks!). But as long as people are still reading, it's okay. There's always another post.

Supporting other mothers and olim is a big part of why I blog. Another thing I love is that unless you are deliberately provocative, blogging attracts readers who generally agree with your outlook. Others go elsewhere.

I didn't start blogging to make friends, but it may be the reason I continue.

Okay, that's enough about me and my blog. Tell me about yours.

Blogoversary

I began blogging two years ago this month. I attribute my "success" to editing carefully (except when I didn't), choosing a variety of interesting topics, and my terrific readers and commenters.

Other issues in my life are demanding emotional energy, and I seem to have lost my blogging compulsion. But don't worry, this post may be a sign that you can look forward to more.

In the meantime, in honor of my blogoversary, I invite you to ask questions in the comments. I may even answer some of them.

(Oh, and regarding the poll: Left foot, left foot, left foot, right is the opening line of "The Foot Book" by Dr. Seuss.)

Survival for Olim

Baila posted about a new Survival type program for new olim. Unfortunately both of us are slightly past the age requirement. I'm no longer a new olah, but I'm not sure how well I would do in the competition.

I wonder what competitors will need to do to win the grand prize. I suggest having to make an appointment in Hebrew. I remember my first visit to Tipat Chalav (well-baby clinic). In modern Hebrew, days of the week, month, and the months themselves are all expressed as ordinal numbers. So Sunday, June 8, becomes first day, the eighth of the sixth. The secretary rattled off different options: "At rotzah tor beyom revii, hashlishi latshii, oh beyom sheni, ha-esrim vesheini laasiri?"Eventually I asked her to write it down, but this only helped slightly.

You can read here about my visit to the bank to get our government mortgage check.

So what are your suggestions?

Left foot, left foot, left foot, right

My mother always advised buying identical pairs of socks. That way you still have matching pairs even after you lose a few. Sock manufacturers have figured this out, obviously, because they sell socks in packages containing different colors and designs.

My husband says I need to spell out the meaning of the above sentence. I mean that the manufacturers want you to throw away the second half of the pair when one sock is lost.

I bought a pack of three pairs this week. But as you can see from the picture, the socks were not as identical as I had thought. I haven't seen left and right socks since toe socks.

When I took out the last pair of socks to photograph, I realized that the package actually contained 4 L socks and 2 R socks. So should I try to return them? I can't imagine how I would explain this problem to the store. In a country where large numbers of plumbers don't seem to know what H and C stand for, what would an underwear store worker have to say about the difference between L and R?

A clean city with lots of shoe stores

I remember my mother taking me from store to store trying to find a pair of shoes that fit. My own daughter is fairly easy to shop for, but we must have gone into fifteen stores over two days to find sandals for her rapidly enlarging feet. In most of the stores, she wouldn't consider even a single pair. And of the ones she tried, none were comfortable.

I had asked her several times to look for girls in school with shoes that she liked, and find out where they got them. But she did not respond to this reasonable suggestion(!). In the second-to-last store the salesperson convinced her to try on half a dozen pairs. He offered one of the pairs, which she hated, about ten times. And we left empty-footed (figuratively speaking). I was about to give up when she mumbled something about Teva Naot. Lo and behold, a store selling that brand miraculously appeared, and we thankfully purchased the pair pictured above. Of all of the shoes she considered, this was the only pair I liked. We won't say anything about the cost. Sephardi Lady, life is not simple with teenagers.

On the way home, we passed a line of cars waiting at a traffic light. We saw a passenger open the door of one of the cars and gently lay an empty soft drink can, upright, on the street. I stepped into the road and told him, with a smile, that the can belonged to him. He shrugged his shoulders. I picked it up, handed it to him, and told him to throw it away. He took it. (I considered shouting my town's slogan, X is a clean city, as I walked away, but I restrained myself.) My son later said that I'm lucky the man didn't stab me, and that he probably deposited his can at the next intersection. Maybe my son is wrong, and the man was worried about what I would do to him . . .

Nishmat Summer Torah Study Program

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