Holiday Riddle Answer

Riddle: What Jewish holiday is represented by the number 40,320?

Answer:
Shemini Atzeret. Atzeret is the Hebrew word for the mathematical term factorial.
Shemini Atzeret = 8! (eight factorial) = 8 x 7 x 6 x 5 x 4 x 3 x 2 x 1 = 40,320

Mnemonic for Noachide Laws

Ilana-Davita posted about the seven Noachide laws. According to Jewish tradition, these commandments are also binding on non-Jews. Here's a mnemonic for remembering them:

Aleph-Bet-Gimel-Dalet and the Big Three

• א Aleph--Ever min hachai, the prohibition against eating a limb from a living animal
• ב Bet--Birkat Hashem, blessing of God-- a euphemism for the prohibition against blasphemy
  
• ג Gimmel--Gezel, the prohibition against stealing
• ד Dalet--Dinim, the obligation to set up a court system to enforce the law and settle disputes.
  

The Big Three refer to transgressions that are so serious, Jews are required to martyr themselves rather than commit them. Unfortunately Jews have had many such opportunities. I don't believe that Noachide laws require the same of non-Jews.

The Big Three:

1. Shfichut Damim, spilling blood i.e. murder
2. Avodah Zarah, idolatry
3. Gilui Arayot, sexual transgressions such as adultery.

Popular Israeli Names for Boys

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Popular Israeli Names for Girls

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Cultural Differences

The responses to my post about the unfriendly woman in shul ranged from "She's shy" to "She's a snot." I think the answer lies elsewhere. First let me give an update.

One day in September while I waited for the gan to let out, she did come and sit next to me. She asked how I was, and I asked her what she was doing. After she told me I waited, and she then asked what I was doing. This was by far the longest conversation we have ever had. After Yom Kippur she approached me in shul and said that because our children had played together over the holidays and gotten to know each other, she was sure they would now be good friends in gan.

I believe that Americans and Israelis have different approaches to relationships. While some Israeli women are friendly and gregarious, the majority are more reserved. When I see someone on a regular basis, say in shul on Shabbat, I will begin to greet her when I pass her on the street. But some Israelis would need to have more in common with someone before acknowledging me. It sounds snobby, but I see it as a cultural difference.

I don't mean to say that Israelis can't be snobs. Snobs exist everywhere.

I mentioned this issue to my Israeli friend, O, who recently returned from a few years in Europe. She pointed out that as an English speaker living in a Hebrew-speaking country, I have an immediate connection with other English speakers even if we have little else in common. It might not be fair to compare the friendliness and closeness I feel among my English-speaking friends to the situation in my synagogue. O. has a point--any feelings of isolation among native Israelis might be exaggerated because of the contrast of my connectedness with fellow English-speakers. However, I am beginning to feel much more comfortable in our shul (although it's been over seven years!).

Those who live in places with large groups of English speakers, like Beit Shemesh or Raanana, might not have the same experience. Wait until you are in a Hebrew-speaking course and discover one other English-speaker--you are likely to be friends for life.

Simchat Torah Suggestions

Now that we're through kvetching about our Yom Kippur experiences, we can start analyzing Simchat Torah.

Simchat Torah is a difficult holiday for Orthodox women. It seems like the men are having the fun, while the women are sitting around waiting, watching, and mostly talking. I don't mind sitting separately the rest of the year, when I am actually praying. But an hour and a half is too long to watch dancing, if you can call it that. My husband pointed out that the teenagers in the shul either went elsewhere or stood talking outside.

Our synagogue cut the hakafot (seven rounds of singing and dancing with the Torah scrolls) short in the morning. This worked out well, although the rabbi didn't get to give his annual class. Maybe he could switch it to the evening.

They moved two Torah scrolls close to the mechitza (partition), so that the mothers could see and hear their under bar-mitzvah age sons reading. I missed that last year.

Modern Orthodox Singles writes about her experience, and Isramom has a roundup of blog posts on the subject. Be sure to look at Ilana-Davita's post, and the comments.

Id like to hear more creative solutions for this annual problem.

Every family needs at least one

My son, A., spent half an hour early this morning searching for his wallet. Finally I gave him money for a new bus ticket. After lunch I asked my 4-year-old whether she knew where his wallet was.

"Yes!" she answered. "But it's in a place where I can't reach it." She skips into my bedroom and points to my nightstand. I pull it out, but there is only a dust-bunny underneath.

"Is this where it is?"

"No, it's in-between and I can't get it."

Sure enough, the wallet and a paperback (Ami McKay's The Birth House) are lodged between the bed and the nightstand.

Both she and my older daughter are really, really good at remembering where they last saw things. They must have some kind of gene for visual memory.

Sukkot in the ER

When we last met, I was injured at the bottom of a hill near Peduel. At this point I was pretty sure I would recover, so we went to our friends' house in the community of Revava. I sat and nursed my wounds while others prepared the delicious dinner. During the meal, the wrist on the hand that I used to catch my fall began to throb. I once read that to avoid a broken wrist you should fold your arms when you fall, but I'm not sure that advice applies on a rocky mountain. Anyway, I could not move the wrist and it was so painful that we decided to go to the moked, the after-hours care center for our health fund.

After we dropped off the kids at home, the nurse at the moked put a serious-looking bandage on my leg wound, which had started bleeding again. The doctor printed out a referral to the emergency room for a wrist. So we went from a hilltop in Samaria to an urban hospital in one day. We saw the orthopedist almost immediately. My husband had insisted that I mention bumping my head, even though the bump was so small as not to be noticeable. She wrote that we needed a surgeon to look at it. When I questioned this she said they are not "choffefanim." The best I can translate that is to say that they don't do a half-assed job, even though I prefer not to use such language on my blog.

She sent me for the x-ray, examined the wound, ordered a tetanus shot, and gave me a prescription for three days of antibiotics and Optalgin. The nurse handed me two doses of antibiotics to hold me over until the morning, but I refused the Optalgin.

When the orthopedist examined my wrist she said, "Yatzat bezol," which means that I got a bargain--I would probably escape without a cast. The x-ray came back clear, although the orthopedist warned me that it could flare up and a subsequent x-ray might show a crack.

The nurse wrapped up my arm, and another nurse, Ahmed, dressed the wound. The young, blond doctor complained to the nurse (or perhaps intern or medical student) about a patient scheduled for an operation. The operation was delayed because of a different operation. Instead of waiting patiently (no pun intended), he left for home. The previous operation got cancelled, and the hospital lost money because the operating room was ready and waiting for for the second patient.

The x-ray technician commented that Sukkot was the holiday of the "datiim," or religious Jews, but he loves it. It's true that because we tend to be busy on Friday and Shabbat, the week-long holiday is an ideal time to travel. Most Israelis seem to ignore Sukkot or leave the country.

When we first headed to the hospital I had imagined the benefits of a broken wrist: pity, no cooking or cleaning, and a chance to teach the kids a few more household skills. But all in all I was relieved by the diagnosis.

After I finished with the orthopedist I waited patiently for the surgeon. And waited, and waited, for almost an hour. Finally we asked the nurse what happened, and she had misplaced our file. And the doctor had been there all the time, chatting with a friend. But at that point he was treating someone else.

Finally the surgeon checked me out and explained that the health ministry requires anyone with a head injury to be under observation for six hours from the appearance at the hospital. But he also gave me the option of signing myself out, which I happily accepted despite the scary language of the form. He promised us me that if I came back, I would get a warm welcome.

I mentioned that I don't bring my children to the emergency room every time they get a bump, even if it's the size of a golfball. He admitted that he doesn't either. "But you're a doctor," I pointed out, "although I have six children, so I guess I'm almost a doctor by now." Okay, I'm not a doctor, but I still have a pretty good idea of when to bring my kids to the ER.

When we returned to the health fund to have the dressing changed on my leg, the nurse commented that with such a bandage she expected a bigger wound. I wanted to tell her how bad it had looked the night before, but instead I told my husband he could leave the line of forty people in the drugstore. I would skip the rest of the antibiotic.

My friend, a doctor, warned me that a wound on the calf can sometimes lead to an infection near the bone, but I seem to be out of danger. My wrist is still sore. So I guess someone else will have to chop the vegetables for Shabbat.

Holiday riddles

You must know Hebrew, and math, fairly well to get this one:
How is the number 40,320 associated with a Jewish holiday?
Hint: Reduce to prime factors.

This isn't really a riddle, but my son said that Isru Chag Sukkot (the day after Sukkot, and the last day of vacation) is also known as Yom Hacharisha Ha-leumit (national ploughing/grubbing day). The kids use it to do all the homework they neglected over vacation.

In which I fall head over heels. . .

into the rocks of a mountain in the Shomron, that is.

On the first day of Chol Hamoed (the intermediate days of the Sukkot holiday), we went with friends on an organized hike through Nachal Shiloh. We hesitated about the security, the length (four hours!) and the possibility of rain, but decided to go ahead. Being invited to our friends' sukkah for a barbecue afterward didn't hurt.

The hike began in the settlement of Peduel with 136 people, divided into two groups. From Peduel we hiked down to a nachal (creek, dry in this case-- I'm not sure of its name), then up to the ancient city of Tzredah, and back down to Nachal Shiloh and the road, where a car awaited to take drivers back to Peduel.

The hike was rocky and slippery. Even though it had rained in the morning, the sun was hot and there was little mud. The kids enjoyed seeing this turtle:

Near the top of the hill an Arab man drew water from a well, using a rusty bucket. The guide said the water was safe to drink and at least one person refilled a bottle.

We sat under some trees and the guide told us about Tzredah. Tzredah is mentioned in the Book of Kings as the hometown of Yerov'am ben Nevat and in Pirkei Avot as the hometown of the sage Yossi ben Yoezer. Tzredah means the middle finger and the rock formation above the city juts straight up into the air. She advised that children not go over there, because of pits. My husband elected to stay with the two small ones.

The guide explained how archeologists who had come from the wrong direction had missed the distinct topography, and mistakenly placed the settlement of Tzredah in the valley below. But the shards found in the valley turned out to be non-Jewish and from a different period. Then a second archeological team, coming from another direction, identified the spot correctly.

Evidence of settlement in Tzredah

The guide introduced us to a geologist who happened to be on the tour. He explained that Hitler failed to capture Yugoslavia, out of all of the countries of Europe, because the topography was identical to that of Tzredah. The geological terms used to describe the landscape come from Serbian. Whoever rules this area cannot easily be defeated; the geologist referred to it as "topogarchy." (I could not find any mention of this term on the net.) Tanks can't ascend, nor horses -- even donkeys even have a hard time. Goats manage fine, judging by the amount of excrement.

In order to capture as much water as possible and prevent soil erosion, the ancient and not-so-ancient peoples living here built terraces on the hillsides.


We stopped in this cave before starting down.

On the wall of the cave:

Nachal Shiloh

It was a long way down. The guide warned us that it got a little tricky after the beginning. It was more than that. At one point about halfway down there were large rocks with gaps in-between. I tripped over something, banged my leg into a rock, and tumbled over on my head into a gap. I called out but no one heard. I knew my husband and four-year-old were not far behind, along with a few others. When they caught up they helped me stop the bleeding. After resting a few minutes we all continued. Our friends, who were already down in the creek bed, saw we were having trouble and directed us to an easier descent. There was no path and the rest of the group was already at the end. Eventually we made it to the road and my husband was ushered into the car back to Peduel.

Your injured correspondent couldn't resist this last picture:

With a half hour lag between the first and last arrivals, and more than one possible path, someone should have been appointed to stay in the back. Had I fallen down unconscious, I might not have been missed until everyone got to the road.

On that cheerful note, I'll save the rest for another post.

Continuation: Sukkot in the ER

More on microwaves

In a comment on my last post, Robin pointed out that not all ceramic tableware is microwave-safe. She's right, and plastic can also be a problem. If your utensils don't have a label, you can use the following test for microwave compatibility.

From The Great Microwave Dessert Book by Thelma Pressman, p. 2:

Place a glass measuring cup filled with water in your microwave. Place the dish you want to test next to it, but do not allow the two to touch. Heat on high (600-700 watts) for one minute. [Note: Many modern microwaves use 900-1000 watts or more, so adjust the time accordingly.] At the end of that time, the water will be warm and the utensil should be cold. If the dish becomes warm, it means it is absorbing microwave energy and is not microwave-safe.

Yael asked for soup and stir-fry. I generally don't make soup in the microwave because once you get above a certain quantity, it's not practical. But here is a recipe from The Well-Filled Microwave Coookbook by Victoria Wise and Sandra Pressman. It serves 3-4 people and you can add other vegetables if you like.

Granny's Basic Vegetable Soup (pp. 95-96)

1 tablespoon olive oil
1 medium onion, quartered lengthwise and thinly sliced
4 medium (1 pound) ripe tomatoes, chopped into 1/4-inch pieces
4 small carrots, peeled and cut into thin rounds
2 ribs celery, trimmed and cut into 1/4-inch-wide slices
1 large bay leaf
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
4 cups water

1. Place the oil and onion in a large bowl and microwave, uncovered, on HIGH for 3 minutes, or until wilted. Add the tomatoes, cover the bowl, and microwave on HIGH for 10 minutes, or until the tomatoes are soft and the mixture is soupy.
2. Add the remaining ingredients, cover, and microwave on HIGH for 20 minutes, or until the carrots and celery are tender. Remove the bay leaf. Serve right away.

I highly recommend this (non-kosher) cookbook, which includes basic instructions for cooking items like legumes and potatoes as well as exotic desserts, condiments, sandwiches, grains and more. I once used it to make a delicious pomegranate-quince relish. [If you buy it through the above link, you help to support this blogger.]

Mock Stir-Fried Rice (p. 193)
For two portions, cut about 1/2 cup fresh vegetables, including some bean sprouts and scallions, into small dice or matchsticks. Place the vegetables and a little oil in a bowl and wilt for two minutes, until soft, in the microwave. Stir in two cups cooked rice, sprinkle with water, and reheat until steaming, 3 minutes more. Lightly beat an egg and stir it into the rice to break it up. The steam cooks the egg right away without returning to the microwave. Serve hot.

My Sugat rice package had instructions for cooking rice in the microwave that worked for me, but I don't have the package anymore. Wise and Pressman say to use the same amount of liquid and time as for stove-top rice, but to expect it to boil over.

Introduction to Microwave Cooking

Follow-up post with recipes

Oleh Girl Yael has an electricity-challenged apartment, and her only reliable cooking appliance is her microwave. I dedicate this post to her.

Almost any food can be cooked in the microwave, once you learn the techniques.

I'm not an engineer so forgive me if my explanation of how the microwave works is not technically accurate. It's meant for the beginning home cook.

Microwaves work by radiating microwave energy into food. Microwave energy only heats up the moisture in the food, so dried foods may burn or explode. (I tried microwaving dried apricots once.) The waves pass through glass, ceramic, plastic and paper so these materials do not get hot, except via the food. Metal, however, deflects microwaves. You can keep one metal spoon in your food without causing damage, but not two, and I have read about a judicial use of foil.

Because microwaves only heat moisture they are more efficient than conventional ovens, which heat up everything in the vicinity. As the food cooks, the utensil and microwave get warm and even hot. But most of your precious energy dollars/shekalim go right into the food.

Microwaves heat food from the outside in, and it can take a while for the heat to penetrate. Food should be cooked in shallow utensils or stirred frequently. If there is no rotating turntable, food must be turned manually. Foods such as chicken parts must be turned from top to bottom and moved from the edge of the pan to the center and vice versa. Individual items like potatoes or cookies should be arranged in a circle.

Microwave power setting options are delineated in percents or High-Medium-Low. But the microwave really only has two settings, off and on. If you choose the highest power setting, High or 100%, the microwaves penetrate the food continuously. If your microwave has 1000 watts of power, you will be using all of those watts for the entire cooking time.

Microwaves using higher wattage cook food faster, but those with lower wattage work equally well. Whatever the wattage or setting, check to make sure food is cooked through. This applies to conventional methods of cooking as well.

If you choose the 80% setting, the microwave operates for 80% of the time and pauses for 20%. The food cooks more slowly and gently, because microwaved food continues to cook even when the microwaves have stopped waving. But I never use any setting other than High. If the food is delicate, like eggs, I check frequently and take the food out just before the egg is solid. In general food needs to be removed when it is slightly underdone, or it will overcook. Eggs will get rubbery.

I prefer a slow defrost in the refrigerator to the microwave, which warms up food as it defrosts. This attracts bacteria, so microwave-defrosted food must be cooked immediately. And why turn on an additional appliance? Defrosting the food in the fridge keeps the refrigerated food cold and saves on your electric bill.

Yael wanted some recipes, but they will have to wait until after Yom Tov (bli neder; I know I've been bad about promised posts). You can cook all manners of vegetables, meat, eggs, fish, legumes and grains in the microwave. You can even bake some items, especially if they are moist. You do need to acquire non-metal utensils that fit (and rotate) in your microwave. Chances are you already have glass bowls and tableware that are microwave-safe. When shopping, choose utensils that are safe for both microwave and conventional ovens.
Follow-up post with recipes

The state of the nation in shul on Yom Kippur

People expect to pray peacefully on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. But the shul is overfull and there are distractions. Especially children.

The acceptable level of noise and activity varies according to the community and physical facilities. But one person's kavanah (concentration during prayer) should not come at the expense of others'. Just because a mother can tune out her children during davening doesn't mean everyone can.

On Yom Kippur, I mentioned to a friend that her two-year-old had pushed down a child in the aisle. The other child went to his mother to be picked up, without crying, so my friend hadn't noticed. This happens. But if parents can't keep an eye on children who wander, the children may be better off at home.

Reports from other communities:

• A dispute over noisy children in Raanana Rambling's shul led to hurt feelings.
• I heard about mothers in Beit Shemesh (not Ramat Beit Shemesh) who fail to reprimand their children in shul because they are observing a "taanit dibbur" on Yom Kippur. During a taanit dibbur one may not speak except to pray.
• One community's email discussion on the subject of children in shul pitted old-timers against newcomers. The community hopes to attract young couples, but rigidity about this issue could deter them.

And grant me a moment to kvetch about other annoying things that people do in shul:

My son noticed a family who gave the 5-year-old son snacks to keep him in shul for the davening. After finishing the snack, the child was allowed to go out to play. I don't believe that kids should eat in shul, especially on Yom Kippur, but I'd be happy for that to be the worst thing to happen.

I don't understand why a child who just finished seudah hamafseket (the final meal before the fast) needs a bag of Bamba the minute she gets to Kol Nidrei. In this case the child went outside to eat. Was junk food invented as a way to keep kids quiet? (Don't answer that.)

And one last, cranky complaint: The shul was freezing, so people opened the windows. This wastes electricity and makes the shul even colder, because the air-conditioner must work harder to maintain the pre-set temperature of the thermostat.

So how were things in your shul this year?

Sukkah weather

The Talmud (Avoda Zara 2-3) records a scenario in which the nations of the world approach God at the end of days to receive their reward. After each nation pleads its case and God ascertains that none of them did anything good for mankind in general (because their accomplishments were self-serving) and for the Jews in particular, the nations complain that they never had a chance to observe the Torah. Because God doesn't want to be unfair, he offers them the "easy" mitzvah of sitting in the Sukkah. It's easy because it involves no financial outlay -- everyone can build one on his own roof. So they build their sukkot, and God makes it as hot as "tekufat Tamuz," the summer months. But is that fair, asks the Talmud? Didn't the Holy One just say that He wants to play it straight? Well, the fall season known as "tekufat Tishrei" can include days as hot as summer.

So the nations build their sukkot and run out from the heat, but not before giving the sukkot a few kicks. The Talmud again asks whether it is fair to criticize the nations, because according to Jewish law one need not suffer by sitting in extremely uncomfortable conditions. We then learn that the nations failed the test not because they left the sukkah, but because they kicked it. In the end they do not receive a reward.

My husband says that he didn't understand the passage the first time he learned it. Having grown up with the cold and wet fall of the Pacific Northwest he could not imagine the sukkah getting so hot that you would want to run out. Then he came to Israel. Even with the extra month of the leap year causing Sukkot to fall in mid-October, the sun is blazingly hot at noontime. The schach, or shady branches that form the roof, does little to help.

In our old apartment we tried to delay lunch until after 2 PM when the sun went behind a building (this was nearly impossible when shul ended at 10:30). Better to build the sukkah in the northern shadow of a building, but we have never been so lucky. At least we are no longer in the parking lot, and have equipped our sukkah with fans.

The forecast for the holiday beginning Monday night includes rain (so I heard). I remember the year our old neighbors, who were brave enough to sleep in their parking-lot sukkah (made of wood to keep out stray cats), ran inside in the middle of the night because of a downpour.

We need the rain so badly, I won't complain (bli neder), although according to this site there's only a 20% chance. I reserve the right to complain about the heat, with no kicking.

Cabbage shortage, excess RC

Religious junior and senior high schools start Sukkot vacation from Erev Yom Kippur. This year that means two extra days of vacation, today and Sunday. Sukkot vacation for the younger ones lasts ten days.

That means my 12- and 14-year-olds are busy cooking for Shabbat. The 14-year-old is baking "Chanukah Gelt Double Fudge Cake None Better," from Marcy Goldman's Jewish Holiday Cakes. It calls for flat soda. We happen to have two unopened bottles of RC from Pesach, but we'd have to make a lot of cake to use it up. (Please don't tell anyone I allowed this.) We are making it in a flat pan, with no layers and no frosting. Frosting around here is only for birthdays.

My son A, 12, is making burgul (what Americans called bulgur wheat), potatoes, chicken with vegetables, mayonnaise, and potato kugel. Some family members object if unadulterated potatoes do not appear on the table. A said that he like the feel of raw chicken, bless him. I have challah and soup from Erev Yom Kippur. And the sukkah is being built by my husband and various helpers, slowly but surely.

My sister-in-law invited us for the first day of Sukkot. I offered to bring challah and stuffed cabbage but we can't find cabbage and the stores are unlikely to be restocked on Sunday. That happens sometimes in a Jewish country. . .

My daughter and I just examined the RC supply. We found *four* bottles of the stuff, because I had bought a six-pack on sale. Until my daughter saw the bottles she didn't realize what they were (bilingual vocabulary issue). She belongs to an "anti-Coke" club in school; I hope she won't be expelled. She is also complaining that the RC is not really flat, but I think the recipe will come out fine. My teenage guests for Shabbat chol hamoed should be able to finish off the rest of the RC.

My mother z"l used to buy Coke on two occasions: For Pesach (along with chocolate), because she believed that people needed something sweet to make up for chametz deprivation; and for offering workers who came to the house. Now that I think about it, she kept a few bottles in the basement for that purpose. I guess she didn't worry about it getting flat.

A subdued Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur

A member of our shul, a mother of five, lost her fight with cancer on the first night of Rosh Hashana. When the family realized that her death was near, they checked her into the hospital and stayed with her. Had she died at home, the burial would have taken place on Yom Tov with the family walking to the local cemetery. But the hospital storage facilities allowed the funeral to be postponed until Motzei Rosh Hashanah. Close to a thousand people attended including the mayor, whose son had been her student.

When my own mother died I learned that most people continue to leave shul during the Yizkor memorial prayer until after the year of mourning. We found that there was not much basis for this custom, and the rabbi said I could do what I want (I went). I noticed that the teenage daughter, who had finished shiva only the day before, did stay for Yizkor. In our shul, the chazan (cantor) says a prayer in memory of the members who have died over the years. The mother's name was read for the first time.

May her family take comfort from her memory during the coming year.

Gmar Chatimah Tovah

Square Peg sent me a list of songs from the davening, compiled by Jerusalemite Chani Abramson. If you are home with small children tonight or tomorrow, you can print out the list to remind you of songs to sing along with the kids. The list is in Hebrew and does not include musical notes--you have to know the tunes.

It's hard to run a blog without offending anyone. If something I wrote or didn't write offended you, whether on this blog or another, please accept my apology (and feel free to write me and clear things up).

I wish all of you an easy and meaningful fast, and a gmar chatimah tovah--may be be sealed in the book of life for the coming year.

רשימת שירים מתפילת יום הכיפורים

זכרינו לחיים מלך חפץ בחיים...
בספר חיים ברכה ושלום...
דרכך אלוקינו להאריך אפך...
ה', ה', קל רחום וחנון...
אמנם כן יצר סוכן בנו...
כי הנה כחומר ביד היוצר, ברצותו מרחיב וברצותו מקצר,
כן אנחנו בידך חסד נוצר, לברית הבט ואל תפן ליצר...
כי אנו עמך ואתה אלוקינו, אנו בניך ואתה אבינו...
עננו אלוקי אברהם עננו...
רחמנא דעני לעניי עננא. רחמנא דעני לתבירי לבא עננא.
אבינו מלכנו פתח שערי שמים לתפלתנו
אבינו מלכנו תהא השעה הזאת שעת רחמים ועת רצון מלפניך
אבינו מלכינו ,חננו ועננו כי אין בנו מעשים...
שמחה לארצך וששון לעירך....
ובכן צדיקים יראו וישמחו...
אתה בחרתנו מכל העמים...
קדשינו במצוותיך, ותן חלקינו בתורתך...
אשמנו, בגדנו...
על ישראל אמונתו, על ישראל ברכתו...
האדרת והאמונה לחי עולמים...
אדיר אדירנו, ה' אדונינו, מה אדיר שמך בכל הארץ
חמול על מעשיך, ותשמח במעשיך...
באין מליץ יושר מול מגיד פשע..
וקרב פזורנו מבין הגויים...
והביאנו לציון עירך ברינה
נקדש את שמך בעולם...ימלוך ה' לעולם...
ונתנה תוקף קדושת היום... בראש השנה יכתבון וביום צום כיפור יחתמון...ותשובה ותפילה וצדקה...
אין קצבה לשנותיך, ואין קץ לאורך ימיך...
וכל מאמינים שהוא חי וקיים, הטוב ומטיב לרעים ולטובים...
ויאתיו כל לעבדך, ויברכו שם כבודך...
השיבנו ה' אליך ונשובה...
כאהל הנמתח בדרי מעלה- מראה כהן...אמת מה נהדר היה כהן גדול...
היום תאמצנו, היום תברכנו

There's a joker in every class

When I lived in New York, I taught English and Judaism to a class of elderly immigrants from the Soviet Union. Back then it wasn't even the "former" Soviet Union.

As we approached Yom Kippur, I wondered how to explain the basics of the holiday in simple English. The prohibition on intimate relations gave me the most trouble. Finally, I decided to say "A husband and wife do not sleep together." Immediately an old man shouts out from the back, "But with the other people it is okay. . ."

How to Avoid Speeding Tickets

Lion of Zion posted about a magazine he received entitled Gates of Chesed, consisting of articles about safety. One article called "Speeding Ticket Avoidance Tips" ought to consist of five words: Stay within the speed limit. Instead we find "Drive within 5-10 miles per hour of the surrounding traffic" and "Stay in the middle of the pack." And the publication has the nerve to ask for donations.

Some suggestions for the next issue:

• How to Abuse Your Wife without Leaving Telltale Bruises.
• Laundering Money: Discretion is the Key.

It won't make a difference

Below is my message to the woman who wrote in the alon Olam Katan, complaining about the insensitive policewoman who "attacked" her and gave her an NIS 250 ticket because her 7.5-year-old passenger was not restrained in a carseat (and possibly not even in a seatbelt):

If a child is injured or killed in an accident, it won't matter that the child was travelling to wish her frail grandmother a happy new year. It won't matter that the the girl's brother sat in a car seat, that their mother doesn't own a car, nor that the driver and the girl's mother work in a school for special needs children. Nor will it matter whether the driver or the mother knew about the law requiring carseats for children up to eight years old.

The child would be equally injured or dead.

I'm not sure whether you are upset about the attitude of the policewoman, the unfairness of the law, or that you were caught breaking it. The policewoman was just doing her job, which is to uphold the law and protect children. If she caused you and the mother to think twice before transporting a child who is not restrained properly, she has made a difference.

According to another alon, Matzav Haruach, 82% of the religious population in Israel do not wear seatbelts in the back, compared to two-thirds of the general population. According to Beterem, 40% of children aged 0-5, and 77% of children aged 5-9, are restrained improperly or not at all.

Anything but that

"I'm never going to play with that girl," declares my seven-year-old, when I point out the cute redhead from shul during our visit to the park. "Do you know what she said to me?" He is outraged just thinking of it.

I mentally rehearse my response to the girl's insult. I plan to suggest that she may have done teshuva and regrets her words. I congratulate myself for being so wise. I am ready to hear the worst.

"She said to me, 'Ata rotzeh le-hitchaten iti?'"

She had asked my son to marry her.