The Shabbat bath dilemma

In the last comment thread Lion of Zion asks when should parents force children to do things.

The short answer is, "Never." At least not in an ideal world.

For the record, there is a movement entitled "non-coercive parenting." Its proponents believe that children are individuals and adults never have the right to inflict their desires on to their children.

I don't believe in non-coercive parenting as I have seen it described. However, I do want to avoid situations where I have to force my children to "cooperate." I want to have the kind of relationship where they will naturally want to go along with me on most issues, especially day-to-day routines. That's not easy with a three-year-old.

When our children don't do what we want, we experience a range of emotions. Frustration, because dealing with the refusal takes time and effort that we hadn't anticipated. Disappointment, because our children are not as well-behaved and congenial as we expected. And guilt, because maybe if we had done our job better, things wouldn't be this way.

Here's an example. It's late Friday afternoon and the 3-year-old needs a bath, but he has decided he doesn't want one. Let's say it's ten minutes until candle-lighting (or sunset, take your pick) and he hasn't had a bath all week.

If this were ever to happen to me (!) I would ask myself several questions:

1. What will be the consequences of him not having a bath?
2. What effect will forcing him have in the short and long term?
3. What effect will it have on me?
   

In answer to the first question: Barring exceptional circumstances there aren't any health or safety consequences if the child won't take a bath for another couple of days. (If he doesn't want to wear his seatbelt, the answer would be different.) Now if you are all invited to Aunt Shprintza's for lunch the next day, and she already thinks that your child is neglected and this pains you, you might take that into consideration. Or not.

Regarding question number two, a lot depends on the child's personality and his relationship with his parents. There are some children who, were they forced to take a bath, would continue to scream for hours on end and dig their heels in even more the next time. But some children will protest mildly but go along. If you essentially have a good relationship with the child, you might get away with something like this once in a while. But if you find yourself doing this frequently something needs to change.

The answer to question three is an important consideration for me. Ten minutes before Shabbat is not the most peaceful time of my week. If I force the child to take a bath when we are in a hurry, I might be harsher than necessary. Also, I don't want to come into Shabbat angry and stressed. For me, it's better to take a deep breath and step back from the situation. My equanimity is more important than a clean child.

Whatever the parents do, the decision-making isn't finished. They will need to sit down and think of ideas to prevent this situation in the future? Maybe the child was tired or hungry, or he's just petrified of getting soap in his eyes. Maybe he's been trying to get his parents' attention all day. Probably the parents need to find a better bath time. ☺

Shabbat shalom.