Trusting our children

One of the most valuable lessons I learned as a mother was about relinquishing control.

"Training" my children to do things before they were developmentally ready wasted time and emotional energy. How I regret those power struggles.

Eventually I realized that there were many things I didn't need to teach my children. I could trust them to meet certain milestones without incentives, threats, or persuasion. These milestones included:

• Sleeping through the night.
• Learning to use the bathroom i.e. toilet train
• Weaning from breastfeeding.
• Getting onto a "schedule" for meals and naps. Babies generally fall into a routine after a few weeks or months.
  
• Eating enough to grow and thrive, if offered a variety of nutritional food, a fork and a spoon.
• Separating from me without a fuss.
• Dressing themselves.
  

I believe that my job is to provide a secure emotional base and a reasonable level of encouragement. I had faith (at least in those areas) that my children's inborn mechanisms and a natural desire to mature would kick in eventually. Unfortunately, in our culture, this isn't simple. Dozens of instruction books help parents train children to do what they would eventually do anyway. It's so frustrating to find out that your child is abnormal; i.e. he is not doing what the books say he should be doing. Until you realize that the problem is the book, not the child.

Not all babies sleep through the night at six weeks, or six months. And it's normal for children to nurse for a few years; both the Talmud and the World Health Organization consider two years a minimum. Kids will sleep all night by the time they are bar or bat mitzvah. And (hopefully) when it's time for them to get married, no one will ask when they got out of diapers.

Yes, there are exceptions. Sometimes a child who develops later than average needs an evaluation. Sometimes we have to speed things along, like when we wean a child from diapers in preparation for preschool, or leave a baby with a sitter. But most children will do what they need to do if we take for granted that they can.

I've listed some behaviors that I don't believe parents need to worry much about. The question that interests me now, and which I hope to explore in a future post, is what *do* we need to actively teach our children?

Between Two and Four

What is the number one obstacle to remaining sane while raising small children in Israel? No, it’s not the cost of your child’s birthday party in gan.

Shhh--I'm talking about the afternoon quiet hours.

Ask any immigrant mother how she first learned about the rule requiring quiet between two and four PM. Chances are she was chastised by an irate neighbor. You can see signs in public parks, and occasionally in apartment buildings. Many offices and stores are also closed between one and four. (This is changing.) Of course well-behaved children nap at that time. But if yours are abnormal on a different schedule, it’s your job to keep them quiet.

I gradually adjusted. I learned never to have the kids' friends over before four; the parents wouldn't send them anyway but it took me a while to realize this. I made sure my toddler stayed away from the pots, except one Friday when the neighbor called to remind me. We tried to have quiet games and activities and with any luck I would stay awake. But this is what you might hear coming from my house between 2 and 4: “STOP SHOUTING OUT THE WINDOW! IT’S BETWEEN 2 AND 4!” or “DON’T CALL ME FROM THE SIDEWALK! USE THE BUZZER! YOU’LL WAKE THE NEIGHBORS!”

Fortunately our former downstairs neighbors were so noisy that I never had to worry about disturbing them. The entire neighborhood knew and despised their teenage son for blasting his stereo, and nothing seemed to help. Once, however, when I went to complain, he apologized. “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was between two and four.” Any level of noise is acceptable in the morning, late afternoon, and evening. But between 2 and 4, he turns off the music. He shows respect for his neighbors. (When my son, then 6, asked me why the neighbor played his music so loud I told him it was because he was angry at his parents. That gave him something to think about. “But why, Ima, why?”)

After nearly eighteen years of urban living in Israel, I have learned to appreciate quiet hours. Sometimes I shop, taking advantage of empty streets and stores. I may sit with my children in the park, and hope they don't shout too much. But with any luck, I'll be taking a nap. So try not to call between 2 and 4.

A cure for insomnia?

This morning she explained, "That way is a faster way to close my eyes."