Updated: Lessons for Life: Rude Pizzeria Owner Lambasted on Internet

Who could imagine that a rude storekeeper would attract such attention in our little country, never admired for its warm customer service?

According to financial magazine Globes, a woman came with her autistic child into a pizza store for a lesson in practical living, giving him a 20-shekel bill and instructing him to buy a slice of pizza and a can of tomato juice. The store owner helped another customer instead, despite the boy having stated his order three times. Finally the owner told the boy's mother, "This isn't a school." The mother put the story into an email decrying the owner's rudeness toward children with special needs and included his name and address. Thanks to the internet (she only sent it to fifty of her closest friends), the email spread far and wide and the pizza store owner was harassed. Mothers came into the store, dropped off a copy of the email, and left. Garbage was thrown. 25,000 members joined a Facebook group advocating a boycott of the store.

The Globes reporter was the first party to ask owner Shraga Gross for his version of the story. According to Gross, three mothers came in with their autistic children for this life lesson. The mothers did not coordinate with the store, and chose a time when it was full of customers. Gross claims that the boy did not utter a word, but he did tell the boy's mother, "This is not a school." He admits that he may have been impatient but objects to the personalized campaign against him.

Whichever version is correct, Gross didn't commit a crime. I've been ignored and treated badly by storekeepers and I'm not even autistic. It seems to me that learning that not everyone will go out of their way to be kind to people, whether or not they have special needs, is an important life lesson.

Hat tip: Commenter Keren
For another example of Israeli customer service see Benji's post here.

Update: I don't condone rude behavior. However, the mother was out of line in publicizing the storekeeper's name because of one isolated incident. It's not like the store has a policy that discriminates against autistic children. If she would have e-mailed the story without mentioning the name I would support her 100%.

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Teen locked in apartment; Parents unconcerned

A reader sent me the following story:

Two days ago my daughter L's 8th grade class returned from a field trip at 9:00 PM, so they let the girls come in late the next day. An hour or so before L had to leave, her friend M called her. M was locked in her house! (Most locks in Israel need to be opened with a key even from the inside). She had lent her brother her key, and her parents were at work. Her brother was already at school. L tried to talk M through finding solutions -- getting help from her parents, grandmother, aunt, etc. L kept calling back to report no success. Her parents just told her to stay home and not worry about it, and her relatives, who did not have keys to the apartment, pooh-poohed her concerns and told her to enjoy her vacation day. M was scared, and L pointed out that if there was a fire or a gas leak -- even in a neighbor's apartment -- she would have no way to get out. We suggested that the parents send a key to her by cab, if they didn't want to interrupt their work day to go themselves. (We keep keys with neighbors, plus we always have a key in the door so we can get out immediately in case of emergency.) M's parents refused to help her, and stopped answering their cellphones. [MiI: This part bothers me the most.]

L suggested to M that she try calling her father at the medical center where he works. I helped her find the number and called to find the right department. L didn't want to go off to school and leave her friend stranded, so she decided to take a bus to M's father, pick up the key, and return to let N out. I allowed her as she wouldn't miss too much in school, since most of the classes happened not be academic. It was hard for L to find M's father, but she managed it and released M. By that time it wasn't worth going to school.

Here is what amazes me:
1. The parents don't keep a key in the door in case of emergency.
2. The parents refuse to help their daughter when she is locked in her house!
3. The mother called M just before L left our house, and said she would call the father and let him know L was on her way. He was apparently in a meeting and only his wife could interrupt him, not his kids. In the end, he was surprised to see L and hadn't realized she was coming. But why wasn't the mother embarrassed that her daughter's friend was missing school to take care of her daughter because her own parents wouldn't?!

I have not yet heard from the parents, and haven't asked L if she did. I suggested to L that she tell M to make two copies of her housekey, with her own money if necessary.

Kol hakavod (kudos) to L's mother for taking care of her daughter's abandoned friend, and teaching them both an important lesson.

Reading the "Little House" books

I've been reading the Little House series of books to my seven-year-old son Y. He loves them, even the rather slow descriptions of the prairie landscape in The House on Plum Creek.

I remember a discussion on a Jewish blog about whether the description of killing and cooking a pig in the first book, Little House in the Big Woods, was appropriate for Jewish children. I felt comfortable explaining to Y. that Laura's family is not Jewish so they eat pork. Learning about how they prepared it is educational, if a bit disgusting (which is fine). The only part I've skipped so far (besides the entire second book, Little House on the Prairie, because I don't have a copy) is the discussion about Santa Claus and how he represents the generosity in all of us, etc. When the Ingalls family goes to church for the first time I got a little nervous, but Reverend Alden just "talks to God" with no mention of Jesus.

I handled the lengthy discussions about Christmas by saying that the Jews have fun holidays throughout the year, but the Christians wait all year long for their one big celebration. Even back then Christmas seemed to be mainly about the gifts.

Even if we skip the parts that are blatantly Christian, by exposing our children to secular literature we are also exposing them to a secular/Christian lifestyle/outlook or what have you. So unless you plan to allow only "frum" books in your house that is an ongoing concern. Then you have to worry about not having exposed your children to good writing.

The Little House books are good mussar about making do with a little bit. The girls share a reader by holding up pages in the middle; Laura starts from the beginning while Mary looks at the more advanced material. My son was intrigued when Laura and Mary get money from their parents for a new slate, but realize they don't have enough for a pencil until they remember their Christmas pennies from a couple of years back. They decide to spend Mary's penny on the pencil, and Mary will own half of Laura's penny. My son and I discussed why they didn't just buy two pencils. Pencils aren't really a luxury. But slates were, and they only had one of those. So another pencil would have been superfluous.

We're about to get to my favorite scene in the entire series, from the chapter "Grasshoppers Walking" in On the Banks of Plum Creek. Here's an excerpt:

...Across the dooryard the grasshoppers were walking shoulder to shoulder and end to end, so crowded that the ground seemed to be moving ...

...Grasshoppers were walking over Carrie. They came pouring in the east window, side-by-side, end-to-end, across the window sill and down the wall and over the floor.

...That whole daylong the grasshoppers walked west. All the next day they went on walking west. And on the third day they walked without stopping.

...They walked steadily over the house. They walked over the stable. They walked over Spot until Pa shut her in the stable. They walked into Plum Creek and drowned, and those behind kept on walking in and drowning until the dead grasshoppers choked the creek and filled the water and live grasshoppers walked across them.

...The fourth day came and the grasshoppers went on walking. The sun shone hotter than ever, with a terribly bright light. It was nearly noon when Pa came from the stable shouting: “Caroline! Caroline! Look out doors! The grasshoppers are flying.”

I found the excerpt in an article by researcher Charles R. Bomar about the extinction of these locusts: This represented the last stand of the Rocky Mountain Locust on the Great Plains, and no major swarms were recorded again in the Great Plains. The last specimens collected were recorded from southern Canada in 1902.

Reading through the series by Laura Ingalls Wilder, we can see how the self-sufficient lifestyle represented in Little House in the Big Woods also becomes extinct, as Laura's family becomes more prosperous yet more dependent on credit, hard currency, and store-bought goods.

Meet Tal and Talia

On Orthonomics a guest post about Orthodox homeschooling generated the following comment by "l":
See the rest of this post at my new location, A Mother in Israel.Com

Gmar Chatimah Tovah

Square Peg sent me a list of songs from the davening, compiled by Jerusalemite Chani Abramson. If you are home with small children tonight or tomorrow, you can print out the list to remind you of songs to sing along with the kids. The list is in Hebrew and does not include musical notes--you have to know the tunes.

It's hard to run a blog without offending anyone. If something I wrote or didn't write offended you, whether on this blog or another, please accept my apology (and feel free to write me and clear things up).

I wish all of you an easy and meaningful fast, and a gmar chatimah tovah--may be be sealed in the book of life for the coming year.

רשימת שירים מתפילת יום הכיפורים

זכרינו לחיים מלך חפץ בחיים...
בספר חיים ברכה ושלום...
דרכך אלוקינו להאריך אפך...
ה', ה', קל רחום וחנון...
אמנם כן יצר סוכן בנו...
כי הנה כחומר ביד היוצר, ברצותו מרחיב וברצותו מקצר,
כן אנחנו בידך חסד נוצר, לברית הבט ואל תפן ליצר...
כי אנו עמך ואתה אלוקינו, אנו בניך ואתה אבינו...
עננו אלוקי אברהם עננו...
רחמנא דעני לעניי עננא. רחמנא דעני לתבירי לבא עננא.
אבינו מלכנו פתח שערי שמים לתפלתנו
אבינו מלכנו תהא השעה הזאת שעת רחמים ועת רצון מלפניך
אבינו מלכינו ,חננו ועננו כי אין בנו מעשים...
שמחה לארצך וששון לעירך....
ובכן צדיקים יראו וישמחו...
אתה בחרתנו מכל העמים...
קדשינו במצוותיך, ותן חלקינו בתורתך...
אשמנו, בגדנו...
על ישראל אמונתו, על ישראל ברכתו...
האדרת והאמונה לחי עולמים...
אדיר אדירנו, ה' אדונינו, מה אדיר שמך בכל הארץ
חמול על מעשיך, ותשמח במעשיך...
באין מליץ יושר מול מגיד פשע..
וקרב פזורנו מבין הגויים...
והביאנו לציון עירך ברינה
נקדש את שמך בעולם...ימלוך ה' לעולם...
ונתנה תוקף קדושת היום... בראש השנה יכתבון וביום צום כיפור יחתמון...ותשובה ותפילה וצדקה...
אין קצבה לשנותיך, ואין קץ לאורך ימיך...
וכל מאמינים שהוא חי וקיים, הטוב ומטיב לרעים ולטובים...
ויאתיו כל לעבדך, ויברכו שם כבודך...
השיבנו ה' אליך ונשובה...
כאהל הנמתח בדרי מעלה- מראה כהן...אמת מה נהדר היה כהן גדול...
היום תאמצנו, היום תברכנו

Updated: Links on Tzniut, Parenting

A new carnival called Parents Helping Parents is being hosted at Modern Parent.

Don't have time for the soccer game or to explain the facts of life? Help is available. "You worry about yourselves, we'll worry about your kids."Kidsourcing. (Hebrew)
Hat tip: Gila
Update: This morning, when you click on the video a message appears:

Parenting Services for Rent? Not in our school. Kidsourcing is a fictitious company. You will soon be directed to another site.

I gather that the whole thing is a clever ad campaign for Adler parenting classes, sponsored by Clalit Health Fund (Histadrut). I was wondering, because it seemed too slick to have been produced by amateurs. After viewing the ad you can go back and watch the spoof.

Modesty Blasé laments, "For the first time in Jewish history, mothers are encouraging their daughters to underachieve. They shouldn't be too pretty, too smart or too competent for fear of scaring the boys away." Smart and competent I can believe. But since when has beauty ever been a problem for Jewish girls? If she means that tzniut dress codes detract from women's beauty, that's nothing new. Read her post and tell us what you think.

How to Become a Patient Parent. Hat tip: Esther's sidebar

Revisiting the Misgeret, or Is Preschool Necessary

It's bound to happen at one time or another when you are out with your toddler. Your neighbor asks you the question you were wondering yourself earlier that day, as you tried to talk on the phone while your son climbed the bookcase: "Isn't he bored at home with you all day? How old is he again? [Insert any answer here.] Shouldn't he be in a misgeret?"

In honor of my 4-year-old starting gan in a few weeks (we did have an informal two-child playgroup, technically a misgeret I suppose), I share my answers to the suppositions of nosy and rude advice-givers. They don't deserve a reply. But at times we must address concerns of family members, or, more likely, we ourselves need the reassurance.

• "The child needs to get used to being in gan for half the day." Or, "She will be behind academically." When I mentioned to one mother that our three-year-olds would be in gan together the following year, she asked how I could send her when she hadn't been in gan at age two. According to this theory, children need a year in a misgeret to prepare for the next misgeret.
  
• [This one is for late talkers.] "Gan will help him learn to talk." This is just wrong. Children in gan generally spend little time talking one-on-one to an adult. And the less the child communicates through speech, the less verbal attention he is likely to get from teachers. Children develop speaking skills at vastly different ages and unless you have reason to suspect a problem, it's safe to let them develop at their own pace. Gan will not make a huge difference either way.
  
• [For olim] "The child needs to learn Hebrew." Gan-aged, immigrant children still have plenty of time to become fully bilingual. But language is a balance. If your child spends most of her day in a Hebrew-speaking environment, her English vocabulary will be smaller. And vice versa. You can teach him Hebrew yourself, or make playdates with Hebrew-speaking children, to ease the transition. But immigrants to all countries have survived the experience; emotional maturity is more important than language. [My daughter is concerned about this despite more than adequate Hebrew skills.]
  
• "He needs to play with children his own age." I question this assumption "milechat'hilah." The younger the child, the less equipped to compete with others for the attention of adults. Since making aliyah the age of starting group care has lowered, while time spent in care increased. Children learn social skills mainly from their parents, and they can play with other children while parents are present. If all neighborhood children are in gan, they can meet in the afternoon or on weekends. They don't need thirty hours a week away from parents to learn cooperative play. Unfortunately, preschool for fewer hours is unheard of in Israel. (Let me qualify that--I heard of a gan run by the city of Tel Aviv where you can leave a child on a drop-off basis.)
  
• "Immigrant children need to develop a tough, Israeli exterior." (I mentioned this here.) Okay, but at what cost? I read of a doctoral student who spent months observing three-year-olds in an Israeli gan. She reported of a complex social structure that included children bringing treats to appease bullies. The children's teachers remained unaware. When put into such an environment children may learn healthy ways of defending themselves. Others become aggressive, or conversely, withdrawn.
  
• "Aren't you bored?" Mothers are supposed to be doing adult activities, not playing games all day with their children. (See my next point.)
  
• "Do you sit with her?" I get this all the time; they are asking whether I use worksheets or teach letters and numbers. (I visited a highly-recommended gan where three-year-olds did worksheets each day.) The short answer is no; I enjoy a loose daily structure. We read, play, color, go to the park, run errands, do chores, and meet other mothers and children. The children who are interested pick up letters, numbers and even reading. They play by themselves a good deal of the time while I do "adult" things. In turn, I expect frequent interruptions.
  
• "Your child is too shy/aggressive/wild/attached to you/disobedient/spoiled/slow/bossy. It's because you don't send him to gan." Every child develops different and has personality problems challenges, even the ones who attend gan. Who doesn't? But if you keep your child home, you will be blamed for those issues.
  

Over a million American children are being homeschooled for elementary and/or high school. Surely that puts keeping a two-, three-, or four-year-old at home for another year in perspective.

(I wish I didn't need to add this caveat: I am not trying to convince parents to keep their kids out of gan, or quit their jobs. I do wish to support parents struggling with this issue.)

New blog posts can be found at A Mother in Israel.

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Things I might be posting about, if I felt like blogging

Our cooperative summer camp adventure continues. Based on past experience (read: lots of fighting), we split the boys and girls. We have five boys aged 5-8, with two 12- and 13-year-olds serving as counselors. I hosted them last Friday while my 12-year-old A ran the whole program. The girls' group consists of 4 preschoolers and 7 elementary-school-age girls. They exempted me from hosting the girls, since my 14-year-old (DiI) helps out several days a week. The other two days she has a regular babysitting job for two little boys who adore her. I have been getting positive feedback from the mothers about my kids. I needed it.

Some of the camp mothers live about a mile away, but my four-year-old walks back and forth with a minimum of complaint. When we met to make up a schedule, we asked not to give out junk food. Some mothers complained, "What will we give them if not Bamba?" We suggested melon. The children bring sandwiches; surely that's enough food for four hours. The junk-food rule hasn't been strictly enforced, but who can say what would have happened otherwise.

A disadvantage of segregating by sex is that activities tend to fall along gender lines. Yesterday the boys made models of an army camp and the girls baked cookies with red jelly. Today both groups went to the zoo and my junior counselors stayed up till all hours preparing games and crafts.

We are leaving on our annual trip to the US next week; camp may or may not be active when we return. My 4yo loved our visit last year, but now she doesn't want to miss camp. She said I should go without her and bring back special (flavored) yogurt, a treat we rarely buy. I'm taking her, DiI, and my 7-year-old.

Last night we went to a memorial service for a convert to Judaism who had made aliyah and died eight months later after collapsing in the street from a blood clot. The body sat for a month while her fate was decided; eventually her mother insisted on a Christian burial in the US. I had only spoken to her once on the phone, but we wanted to show support, and we met a family from Maale Adumim who had been exceptionally close to her. The family described how every Shabbat between her death and burial, mysterious things happened in their house: Crockery fell off shelves, and candles fell down, for no apparent reason.

I met with two bloggers in one day. I sat with RivkA for a Coffee and Chemo date, and while in Jerusalem I hopped over to Leora's hotel to say hello. We have several mutual friends and I am sure I have met her, but it was my first time seeing her adorable children. By then I was already anxious to get home, because the bus in the morning had taken me three hours. When we were renting our first apartment in Israel, I asked my husband how far we would be from the bus to Jerusalem and he said five minutes. He must have misheard me. It's a twenty-minute ride, and the inter-city bus took forever to arrive. It was too crowded so I waited a short time for the next one. Then we ran into traffic, and the bus to the hospital also took ages. Then I ran around the hospital looking for RivkA, because the oncology ward told me she was in the ER. I eventually found her back in oncology. Even though she was having a long, hard day she was in good spirits and we had fun catching up. She even came up with some shidduch suggestions.

Speaking of sponja: One evening I noticed a puddle, which turned out to be coming from under my neighbors' door. The neighbors are out of the country and their army-aged son was in Jerusalem, but a neighbor had a key so after turning off the water and closing off the source of the leak, we used several squeejees to sweep all of the water into the shower drain--in our apartment. It was a family effort. Their water purifier had cracked open, but the neighbor was still sure it must be the ozeret's fault. The son told me that the only damage was to their rug. If this had happened in the middle of the night, we might have been the ones with the serious damage.

We are going to a bar mitzvah for Shabbat, and staying in my single brother-in-law's apartment. When I heard his voicemail message asking to tell him some good news, I informed him of our upcoming visit. He took it in stride, or at least he had recovered by the time he called us back. Two of the kids chose not to go, but my oldest son feels close enough to the family to drag himself away from yeshiva for two weeks in a row.

My seven-year-old inserted our rechargeable camera battery backwards. It slid in easily, but wouldn't come out. The repairman removed it without taking the whole thing apart, after giving me a lecture about letting my kid play with it. I didn't tell him about the movie that could only have been filmed from a few inches outside of my sixth-story window; my seven-year-old was three or four at the time. Instead I told him that it wasn't nice to lecture customers. He didn't charge and even advised me on how to fix a different problem with the camera.

Teaching our children: Modeling is not enough

In my post Trusting Our Children, I wrote about things that children learn on their own. So what do we need to teach them?

I hate to disappoint you, but I don't have the answers. I can't, because they will be different for each family. Leora will make sure her children appreciate art and can express anger productively. RivkA's children have learned about physical fitness and coping with chronic illness. Sephardi Lady will emphasize being satisfied with what one has and sticking to a budget. And that is how it should be. Each of these concepts is important, some are essential, but no parent can give them all equal weight. We emphasize the skills and values that are currently part of our lives, taking into account our children's temperaments and inclinations. This is a good thing because it makes us a diverse, vibrant society.

I believe that teaching our children involves several elements. The first is expressed in this quote on education by Rav Yehuda Amital: [Hat tip: Hirhurim]

The greatest educational impact is achieved when the teacher is unaware that he is teaching and the student is unaware that he is learning. This is the meaning of "the Name of Heaven shall become beloved through you" (Yoma 86a) -- a person through his ordinary conduct should bring about a sanctification of God's Name, without even being aware that he is influencing others through his behavior. [Jewish Values, 150-151]

As we all know but often forget, modeling is critical. To quote a book blurb I saw recently, who we are is more important in how our kids turn out than anything else. But it's not enough. We also need to explain to our children what we are doing and why.

Since I just quoted Rav Amital, I'll give an example from our visit to Yeshivat Har Etzion last week (otherwise known as the Gush). To celebrate its 40th anniversary, the yeshiva invited graduates to visit with their families for the day. There were hikes, shiurim and other family activities. At mincha an announcement was made suggesting that parents take a moment to show their children about the beit midrash. Going to the beit midrash every day is a powerful statement, but if children don't understand what happens there, the impact is lessened. We have to interpret the world for our children according to our values.

Here's another example: We model safe behavior by wearing seat belts, and by expecting passengers to do the same. We refuse to drive unless children are properly restrained. But if the children don't understand why we wear seat belts, the first time they go with a friend's mother who says, "If you're sitting in between two people you don't need one," they may wonder whether that mother is right. (Kids get these "deprogramming" messages all the time.) So kids need to know that car accidents can happen anytime and anywhere, and that even a sudden stop can cause serious injury.

This concept also applies equally to Jewish rituals; we can explain that waiting between meat and milk reminds us to be compassionate to animals. Or thoughtfulness: "We need to call Grandma when we get home from the airport so she won't worry about us."

Another aspect of teaching that we tend to neglect is the "how." All too often our kids are away when we do chores and errands. When they are with us we tend to compartmentalize activities, as if quality time must involve kiddie entertainment. Then we resent it when we don't have time for anything else. (That's another post I've been meaning to write.) I find that summer vacation is a good time to teach one or two useful "hands-on" skills.

Below I attempt to categorize the types of things we teach our children. In many cases, setting an example and starting young is all you need, with some reinforcement along the way. This is prescriptive, by the way, not descriptive--I can't claim to have succeeded in passing on all of these to my children to a sufficient degree. Of course, it's hard to know for sure until they reach adulthood. And this list is far from comprehensive:

• Safety issues, like crossing streets and using helmets/car seats/seat belts.
  
• Torah, halacha, prayers, Jewish customs and culture, and Jewish perspectives on big and small questions.
  
• Learning and love of learning; how to find answers; critical thinking.
  
• Hygiene, including washing hands, toilet manners, and bathing. My 4-year-old recently decided she wants to take a shower herself, every day. She even washes behind her ears.
• Health issues, such as food safety and nutrition, exercise, sun protection, normal body function and illness.
  
• Order, caring for objects.
  
• Character traits like compassion, integrity and generosity. I don't believe these can be taught directly, but we can model and discuss them.
  
• Effective ways of expressing emotions and dealing with conflict.
  
• Everyday skills such as home maintenance, financial management and running errands.
• General behavior and manners. Sometimes I wonder whether we teach children to say "thank you" because we want them to feel grateful and show appreciation, or because we want them to be perceived as well-behaved. The answer will determine our response when they behave "badly."
  

Note: Sephardi Lady asked me about learning to talk. To me, speech falls into the category of things that we can trust our children to get on their own. A large group of normal children begin speaking late, and a proper evaluation can help determine which ones need intervention. It can be tricky. When one of my children spoke late, I found helpful information by Dr. Stephen Camarata of Vanderbilt University.

Ten lessons for our daughters

My older sister, a long-time fan of this blog, sent me some suggestions for raising Orthodox girls (but they could apply to anyone) and challenged me to add a few of my own. Hers are marked with an asterisk.

1. *Be educated and self-confident enough to know that you can support yourself if necessary.
2. *If someone tells you that you are no good, *they* are no good for you.
3. *Stay away from leaders/teachers who tell you that the rules apply to you but not to them, especially in the realms of money, sex, and abuse/violence.
4. Don't be alone in a room with a man. Rabbis and teachers also need to observe laws of yichud.
5. Don't be afraid to ask questions, and to ask for help.
6. *Develop skills to talk about problems that are "too embarrassing to talk about."
   
7. *Work actively to establish a set of friends, family, therapist, rabbi, blog, whatever -- where you can talk safely about those problems.
8. When you think you have "no choice," you're probably wrong.
9. Learn, and know how to look things up for yourself.
   
10. You don't have to be like everyone else. God made us all different for a reason.

Do you wish you belonged to the "other" group?

Lily left a comment on a recent post suggesting that "working mothers" and "stay-at-home" mothers often wish they were in the opposite category. I know I occasionally fantasize about picking up a briefcase and closing the door behind me each morning, leaving someone else to deal with the mess and the tantrums. I imagine how much more people would respect me, if I had a prestigious job.

I am leaving my family behind in a few minutes, as I am on my way to a two-day conference. My husband took off from work.

What about you? (I guess this question is mainly for mothers, but all input is welcome.) Do you think about what life would be like had you chosen a different work/home balance? Either now, or in the past?

Haveil Havalim, the Jewish and Israeli Blog Carnival, is up over at Frume Sarah. Check it out.

Another cult exposed -- Megefirot

Update: More on Megeirot
Takana forum finds against Megeirot.

"Megirot" (lit. drawers) is one of many recent attempts to help religious women attain a higher spiritual level in their lives. The Hebrew newspaper Makor Rishon has an exposé in today's paper about the method and its founder. Women who have been active for many years and have taught using Megirot's methods are calling it a cult. The method has many followers in the religious Zionist community in Israel.

According to the article by Yifat Erlich, Megirot was founded by Sylvia Dahari. A widowed mother of six originally from Gush Katif (the Jewish settlement of Gaza), she wished to share the "secrets" that helped her cope during the period after her husband was murdered in a terrorist attack. She attracted women with her dynamic personality and her ability to transform mundane daily tasks, especially housekeeping, into a quest for reaching a high level of holiness. The women brought the contents of their drawers to the lessons, where Sylvie (or the teachers trained by her) analyzed the objects and drew conclusions about the woman's inner life.

At a lesson attended by the reporter in preparation for the article, Sylvie told of a woman who came to her saying that she wanted a divorce after two years of marriage. They "did a drawer," which contained tapes of children's songs. Sylvie asked why the woman was saving the tapes, and the woman said they were for her children. Sylvie pointed out that tapes would be worthless by the time the children grew up, and the woman was really saving them for herself because she still felt like a child. The woman agreed with Sylvie, and said that she wanted a divorce because she was afraid of growing up and becoming a mother.

The women interviewed in the article, who had been trained by Sylvie to teach the method, continue to be grateful for many things that they learned. However, they were seriously disturbed by Sylvie's focus on sexual matters, including the close emotional relationships she developed with several husbands of her students. She interfered with the students' private lives and mocked students after class. She deliberately came hours late to class, despite knowing that students travelled long distances.

Here are examples from the article:

• Sylvie told of her son, whose daughter jumped on him and interrupted his learning. "Do everything so that she will listen to you in the end," instructed Sylvie to her son. "I am breaking your hands," he told the girl, and when she jumped on him again, he turned her hand until a "tick" was heard. "That's it, finished," explained Sylvie to the students. "It won't happen again. Fear of punishment is necessary." [Why do these cults always involve child abuse?]
• Two years ago Sylvie began courting L., a married father of seven, who ran a ranch for teens at risk. The two would closet themselves in a room for hours and be seen around the country all hours of the day and night. "Every man has a physical wife and a spiritual wife. I am L.'s spiritual wife," she explained to the students. [Why do these cults always involve sexual impropriety?]
• She told L.'s ["physical"] wife, Y., "It's from Hashem, for your own good. I am building his personality and saving him from spiritual death, and you are interfering in the process." Y. was apparently convinced, and sadly told one of the women: "You think this isn't hard for me? Sylvie is working with me on this."
  
• Sylvie gave a class for single women, and concluded that the reason they remained unmarried was their inability to speak openly with men. She recruited L. [see above] and a 17-year-old boy from his ranch, so the women could practice intimate phone conversations with them. When the women suggested that Sylvie herself marry, she replied, "Marry? For what? Why do I need a husband on my head? What is bad about my life? To serve him? So he will limit me? I don't have enough to do?"
• Sylvie tells women to carefully guard her husband's honor: to stand up when he gets home, cook what he likes, and get into bed five minutes earlier than he. But if the men disagree with Sylvie about something, it's a different matter entirely.
• [We have sex, we have child abuse, so what's left? Money, of course.] Tens of thousands of shekalim went into Sylvie's pocket in the guise of sacred money, with a promise that the donors will merit blessings and be protected from harm. During the course of opening drawers, objects deemed unnecessary or impediments to growth remained with Sylvie. These included electrical appliances, a diamond ring, clothes and more. Women paid to attend lessons, but no receipts were ever given by Sylvie. (Some other teachers do give receipts.)
  

When haredi women began flocking to meetings in Bnei Brak, the Badatz of the Edah Haredit (one haredi community's religious court) banned it. But it took longer for the religious Zionist rabbis to get the picture. Rabi Eliahu of Safed at one time recommended the Megirot method to women, but no longer. He believes a religious court should be convened to discuss the matter.

And some people seem to think that our community is too cynical. But it's clear to me that we're not suspicious enough. Yemima is another religious woman giving classes to promote spiritual growth; I see advertisements for her everywhere. I'd be interested to know more about her too.

The article has more, but it's Friday afternoon and I've covered the main points.

Any readers who have participated in Megirot are invited to email me at mominisrael@gmail.com .

Shabbat shalom.

Trusting our children

One of the most valuable lessons I learned as a mother was about relinquishing control.

"Training" my children to do things before they were developmentally ready wasted time and emotional energy. How I regret those power struggles.

Eventually I realized that there were many things I didn't need to teach my children. I could trust them to meet certain milestones without incentives, threats, or persuasion. These milestones included:

• Sleeping through the night.
• Learning to use the bathroom i.e. toilet train
• Weaning from breastfeeding.
• Getting onto a "schedule" for meals and naps. Babies generally fall into a routine after a few weeks or months.
  
• Eating enough to grow and thrive, if offered a variety of nutritional food, a fork and a spoon.
• Separating from me without a fuss.
• Dressing themselves.
  

I believe that my job is to provide a secure emotional base and a reasonable level of encouragement. I had faith (at least in those areas) that my children's inborn mechanisms and a natural desire to mature would kick in eventually. Unfortunately, in our culture, this isn't simple. Dozens of instruction books help parents train children to do what they would eventually do anyway. It's so frustrating to find out that your child is abnormal; i.e. he is not doing what the books say he should be doing. Until you realize that the problem is the book, not the child.

Not all babies sleep through the night at six weeks, or six months. And it's normal for children to nurse for a few years; both the Talmud and the World Health Organization consider two years a minimum. Kids will sleep all night by the time they are bar or bat mitzvah. And (hopefully) when it's time for them to get married, no one will ask when they got out of diapers.

Yes, there are exceptions. Sometimes a child who develops later than average needs an evaluation. Sometimes we have to speed things along, like when we wean a child from diapers in preparation for preschool, or leave a baby with a sitter. But most children will do what they need to do if we take for granted that they can.

I've listed some behaviors that I don't believe parents need to worry much about. The question that interests me now, and which I hope to explore in a future post, is what *do* we need to actively teach our children?

Keren's interrogation Part II

I changed the title because it was misleading; someone from the police leaked the transcript.

Below is Part II of Maariv transcript of interrogation with hyper-modest mother of 12, in jail after being indicted for child abuse. Introduction; Part I.

By Shmuel Mittelman and Ami ben David.

4/5/2008

“Whoever disturbs my prayers—something bad happens to him”

What brought B, a haredi woman, to strengthen her faith, to preach extreme tzniut (modesty) and to engage incessantly in prayer, all while, according to the accusation, she was abusing her children? She told her interrogator that the exhausting need to travel back and forth to the hospital with her handicapped son, D., opened her eyes and caused her to change direction.

“One day I decided that instead of wasting time in the hospital, with no improvement in the child’s condition, I would dedicate my traveling time to reading prayers from Psalms and Song of Songs. Only then did they see a recognizable improvement in the child, until the last test when the doctors told me, 'Excuse me, we erred. Everything is fine with the child.' Every time I tried to stop the prayers, the child stopped functioning.”

A few mothers of children like D. told me that their child died at age 5 or 6. I so feared that this would happen to me, that I didn’t stop praying. I know that the heavens want me to pray all the time, because it happened a few times that people came in and disturbed my prayers, and something bad always happened to them . . . Everyone with a problem comes to me, I pray, and they are immediately healed and have “shalom bayit” with their husbands.

"The daughter told me that her brother touched her in an intimate place."

Here the mother adds, in all seriousness, to the interrogator: “As long as I have lived in Bet Shemesh there has not been one terror attack in the city. Over five years ago I travelled to America to marry off my daughter, and before I returned an explosion almost went off in town. I returned immediately, and since then we haven’t heard of a single attack or problem with Arabs. Instead of letting me pray peacefully, you are disturbing me. I forgive you, but it is I who watch over you, not you. Even if you tell me that I’m crazy.”

[Below are a series of questions and answers in the interrogation:]

Interrogator: You knew that your children committed incest, a very serious sin, yet you didn’t prevent it, or treat it, or report it.
“I didn’t know about it at all. It’s a lie. I don’t believe it in the slightest. They are wonderful children, and I don’t believe it, unless they were to come and tell me themselves . . . let them come and tell these things to me and my husband.”

I: The boy Y (now 17) molested your daughter H (now 8). You knew but didn’t stop it.
“First of all, don’t use the phrase “You knew but didn’t stop it.” You didn’t see anything. The girl once told me that the boy touched her in intimate places. So I kept watch that she wouldn’t be with any of the boys. Since then she slept in my bed, because I feared that they would touch her when I was sleeping."

Did you take Y for treatment for his sexual urges?
”I didn’t know exactly what was happening to him, because he knew it was against the holy Torah, and he therefore took care to hide it from us so we wouldn’t know."

And how did you react when H told you?
"I spoke to him of course. He smiled, and I thought it was a teenage prank. I didn’t stand for that type of behavior, and therefore I didn’t think there was any problem."

Y. told you that he and your daughter R (now 22) committed full incest at many opportunities.

“If that’s true, all I have left to do is cry and pray for them . . . but how can I believe it?”

Here the interrogator asked the mother to respond to the complaints of the children themselves, that she regularly hit them cruelly. The mother takes pains to be specific: “This never was and never occurred, that we hit them with cruelty,” she emphasizes. “Sometimes we hit them with no physical trauma, to educate only, like every parent is permitted to hit for educational purposes . . . I was always careful when I was upset not to hit until I calmed down, so as not to hit more than necessary. I admit that sometimes I poured water on them because I needed to hit them, and I didn’t want to hurt them. So I chose to pour a little water instead of hitting so they would understand that they weren’t ‘beseder.’”

Maybe once I told one of the children to put a match on Y.

The interrogator quoted the report of the child Y., where he complains that his parents hit him and didn’t let him in the house after he played soccer. The mother’s reaction: “You don’t understand, because you aren’t religious. With us, as in every house that observes the Torah and the commandments, a child needs to learn Torah and not play soccer. This is against our education. With us it’s absolutely normal not to let a child stop learning Torah.

I: Did your husband hit Y in the back so he would sit straight?
M: “Those weren’t cruel blows. That was just a light hit with the hand. I also straighten out their backs.”

I: Did you hit the children with a belt, an electric cable, antennae, and other objects?

“Sometimes I hit them with a belt, but I was careful not to use more strength than [necessary] for a token hit. As it says in the holy Torah: ‘He who withholds the rod hates his son.” Therefore I was careful that they should be educational blows without leaving any marks. I was also careful that they shouldn’t hurt too much, because after all I love them all. In the book of Lamentations it says, “the hands of compassionate women cooked their children.” Rashi explains that those women that didn’t punish their children when they saw them fail to observe the Torah caused the children to be killed later during the destruction of the Temple. So they [the commentators?] agreed with me that it’s better for a child to receive a few blows and not die.”

I: Your son Y tells that you extinguished a match on him.

There was a period when every time I left the house, the children played with fire and burned blankets and sheets. One time I might have told one of the children to put a match on Y, because I feared that the house would go up in flames.

[Mother in Israel: There is lots more, but I have had enough for today. I think we all get the idea; this woman has serious psychological issues, perhaps accompanied by mental illness. She expressed these ideas in her parenting, her understanding of religious texts, and her observance of rituals. I feel sorry for her obsessive, delusional self; for her children who will probably never completely recover; and for the women and their families from her community who fell under her influence.

I will also add that this is what happens when you try to apply verses in the Torah directly to everyday situations, without exercising common sense or seeking guidance from qualified people.

Later in the report B mentions that she and her husband consulted with R. Eliashiv about the handicapped child, and were told not to hit him. She claims that they followed his ruling.]

Keeping kids interested in the seder

Received via a community email list:

We'd like to keep our 4- and 6-year-olds alert and excited for as long as possible during the seder. Acting out parts of the haggada has been suggested but we're drawing a blank on how to do this realistically yet without delaying the proceedings too much.
Has anyone out there in Cyberspace done this successfully in previous years? Can you share your ideas?
Also, any idea how to act out the MAKOT (plagues)?

Despite not doing anything unusual at our seder, our kids manage to stay awake. Our oldest set the precedent at his first seder at age 2.5 weeks. My parents were supposed to join us, but they had been in town for the birth and brit and couldn't bring themselves to make a second trip so soon. We declined an invitation to the seder, which was just as well, because our newborn stayed awake for the entire time; my husband and I took turns walking with him.

As for older children, it helps if they have learned about Pesach in advance, and have a pictorial haggadah. I've heard of props and quizzes, but I think the most important thing is to pay attention to them, explain the text on their level, and have them fully participate in every aspect of the seder including serving. After all, the seder is full of all kinds of interesting activities; we just need to point them out.

Another thing that helps: We serve only two courses and generally end by midnight. And don't forget the naps.

Please post any suggestions in the comments.

Rabbi Metzger: Child Abuse not a Charedi Phenomenon

On Thursday morning, Rabbi Yona Metzger, the Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi of Israel, was interviewed on Reshet Bet (Channel Two--a government channel) for the program Inyan Acher (another matter).

As of now it is available on the IBA website. If someone knows how to link directly I would appreciate it.

The reporter asked him why the haredi press did not report about the recent horrific case of child abuse in Jerusalem. Rabbi Metzger replied that this is because the abusers were "not haredim," and that abuse is not a haredi phenomenon. Those who grow up in haredi communities receive a quality education and don't beat their children. As an example, he said that haredi children, as opposed to secular Israeli children, are taught not to call their teachers by their first names. He said that the abusive family were baalei teshuva (returnees to observant Judaism). Therefore the haredi press did not consider the story newsworthy.

From what I understand, both Bruria Keren and the woman from Jerusalem whose 3-year-old is in a coma were raised in observant homes and received a religious education (even though Keren later served in the army; the Jerusalem mother was American). But that's besides the point. Clearly other issues had much more to do with their failure as parents, than the type of education they received in school. After all, millions of Israeli parents grew up in the secular school system yet do not abuse their children.

He also said that the proper way to raise children is through love, and no one should listen to the advice of any rabbi who advocates beating children.

Shabbat shalom.

Rabbinic Advice: Abusive Parents

From the alon Komemiyut (You can download the original Hebrew here.) The column is entitled Adnei Habayit by R. Elyakim Levanon; this week's is entitled Horim Makim, Abusive Parents.

Question: I'm a 22yo single, not living at home. When I visit I find it difficult to see my father berating my mother, who naturally responds in kind. But the greatest difficulty is when one of them hits my younger siblings. It pains me, and I feel as if I want to physically prevent it, because I know how much I suffered from the same treatment. What should I do in this situation?

Answer: One of the curses in the Mishneh Torah, when the nation of Israel doesn't follow the Torah, is that, "Your sons and daughters will given to another nation and your eyes will wear out from watching for them, and you will be powerless." (Deut. 28). The emphasis is on the inability to change an existing situation. There is a feeling of despair and powerlessness accompanied by great pain. I well understand your difficult feelings when seeing your parents behave disrespectfully toward each other. And of course, the suffering of your siblings. But know that your self-control and your pain are not worthless, and they have an effect, both on the family and in heaven. An important principle: Parents educate their children, but children don't educate their parents. Nevertheless, it's proper to show your parents that their fighting causes you pain, and even to mention it [emphasis in the original]. After all, parents love their children, and they are affected when something causes the son pain. In addition, when you approach it as a single who is surely thinking of raising a family, you notice the minor details that lead to stress and anger between parents, and you can draw conclusions about how to properly build your own home in the future.

And regarding your younger siblings, who are hit by their parents. The terrible sorrow this causes is manifold. On the one hand, by parents who instead of influencing their children with love influence them through beatings, embarrassment and suffering. And second, by the children, who suffer physically and emotionally both now and in the future.

But, even so, one must be strong and not say anything to the parents [regarding the abuse] [emphasis mine]. Because it will cause greater damage. The main concern needs to be neutralizing the continuing negative influence on the siblings. Abused children can become abusive parents. Your ability to help is through love and encouragement [emphasis mine]. Try with all your might not to speak negatively about your parents, because this will cause additional pain to the children. Even abusive parents are parents. And each child must have a parental figure. Of course, there is no need to justify the parents' actions, but you can tell your siblings that the parents work hard and struggle for their children, which happens to be true. And this causes them to be stressed and easily annoyed, so they pour out their wrath on the children. A statement like this will comfort your siblings a little. And if you add a warm hug, they will no doubt be strengthened [emphasis mine].

In order to complete the picture I must add that not all physical punishment of children is negative. Today the mistaken idea is circulating that one must distinguish between different parts of the family and relate to each one separately. This leads to organizations that promote the welfare of a child, as if he is an independent unit separate from the rest of the family. Therefore the court punishes parents who hit their children, causing serious damage to the entire family through the disintegration of the family hierarchy.

"He who spares his rod hates his son," as we learned from King Solomon (Prov. 13) because sometimes one must draw "red lines" at specific negative behaviors. The rod serves this purpose regarding children. But it needs to be used only infrequently, when there is a sense of the framework breaking down. In general [parental] direction must come through love and positive reinforcement, and thus one corrects behavioral flaws. Darkness is removed through the addition of light.

But I find it appalling that in light of the multiple, severe child abuse cases that have recently come to light in Israel, a rabbi can advocate keeping abuse "in the family." Since the letter-writer doesn't specify the severity of the violence, how can the rabbi be sure that the younger children aren't in danger?

Does the rabbi seriously expect this young man to prevent his siblings from "becoming abusive parents" (and that's the least of their worries at this point, I would say) by a few kind words and a hug on his infrequent visits? What a responsibility to lay on a 22-year-old.

It's very nice, in theory, to preserve the integrity of the family by not interfering. But we know that many couples do not have even the most basic tools needed to raise their children (as the rabbi himself hinted when he said that abused children can become abusive parents). How can we advocate allowing a family at risk to muddle through on their own? No one is suggesting that the older brother run to the police to report his parents. But at least suggest speaking with the community rabbi, educator or hotline about the situation, so that this family can begin to get the help that they need.

And what about the 22-year-old himself? He is obviously in pain, but is left not only to deal with his resentment of his parents for the way they treated him, but with the responsibility of his younger siblings' well-being. He must bear all of this on his own, without any assistance except for the rabbi's guidance. He desperately needs to share his burden with a sympathetic, experienced listener so he can begin to sort through his conflicted emotions.

We are only left to hope that this young man (and others in similar situations) chooses not to follow this rabbi's advice.

Note: After I published this post a reader emailed me about her rabbi who, when he realizes he is in over his head, says,"I'm not a professional. Let's ask a professional."

The Shabbat bath dilemma

In the last comment thread Lion of Zion asks when should parents force children to do things.

The short answer is, "Never." At least not in an ideal world.

For the record, there is a movement entitled "non-coercive parenting." Its proponents believe that children are individuals and adults never have the right to inflict their desires on to their children.

I don't believe in non-coercive parenting as I have seen it described. However, I do want to avoid situations where I have to force my children to "cooperate." I want to have the kind of relationship where they will naturally want to go along with me on most issues, especially day-to-day routines. That's not easy with a three-year-old.

When our children don't do what we want, we experience a range of emotions. Frustration, because dealing with the refusal takes time and effort that we hadn't anticipated. Disappointment, because our children are not as well-behaved and congenial as we expected. And guilt, because maybe if we had done our job better, things wouldn't be this way.

Here's an example. It's late Friday afternoon and the 3-year-old needs a bath, but he has decided he doesn't want one. Let's say it's ten minutes until candle-lighting (or sunset, take your pick) and he hasn't had a bath all week.

If this were ever to happen to me (!) I would ask myself several questions:

1. What will be the consequences of him not having a bath?
2. What effect will forcing him have in the short and long term?
3. What effect will it have on me?
   

In answer to the first question: Barring exceptional circumstances there aren't any health or safety consequences if the child won't take a bath for another couple of days. (If he doesn't want to wear his seatbelt, the answer would be different.) Now if you are all invited to Aunt Shprintza's for lunch the next day, and she already thinks that your child is neglected and this pains you, you might take that into consideration. Or not.

Regarding question number two, a lot depends on the child's personality and his relationship with his parents. There are some children who, were they forced to take a bath, would continue to scream for hours on end and dig their heels in even more the next time. But some children will protest mildly but go along. If you essentially have a good relationship with the child, you might get away with something like this once in a while. But if you find yourself doing this frequently something needs to change.

The answer to question three is an important consideration for me. Ten minutes before Shabbat is not the most peaceful time of my week. If I force the child to take a bath when we are in a hurry, I might be harsher than necessary. Also, I don't want to come into Shabbat angry and stressed. For me, it's better to take a deep breath and step back from the situation. My equanimity is more important than a clean child.

Whatever the parents do, the decision-making isn't finished. They will need to sit down and think of ideas to prevent this situation in the future? Maybe the child was tired or hungry, or he's just petrified of getting soap in his eyes. Maybe he's been trying to get his parents' attention all day. Probably the parents need to find a better bath time. ☺

Shabbat shalom.

Quality time

In the end my husband and I did spend quality time with our son at the siddur party, because he sat with us in the stands while we watched his classmates perform. He sang along and explained to us what was happening on stage, like when the girls danced into the number "60" for sixty years of Israeli independence, and the girl with a cast who used only one pompom. I would have missed that.

The teacher was completely "beseder" and did not pressure him at all to participate (unlike his mother, who kept offering to take him down to join the others).

Overall the production was well done. It lasted two hours, including a few speeches. Most of it had to be choreographed and Y said he didn't enjoy the moves they had to learn. One of the songs was accompanied by a percussion concert, and Y played along on his seat. He was supposed to play the darbuka.

The kids looked they were having a good time, so perhaps they did not feel pressured by all of the rehearsals.

The other boy did the "diklum" (recitation) by himself. I mentioned to Y that he looked okay to me. Y said, "You should see what he does in school."

They showed two video clips that included close-ups of all the children. One had the first-grade boys in the synagogue praying from the siddur, taking out the Torah, and even reciting the priestly blessing (my son is a kohen). The girls' video was intended to introduce the theme of Shabbat. So after viewing the boys in the synagogue praying from their new prayer books and reading the Torah, the girls were shown cooking and cleaning (and lighting candles) for Shabbat.

Another speaker referred to all the male dignitaries using first and last names, but first names only for female ones. Fortunately I was able to point this out to his wife, who was sitting in front of me.

And yes, there were plenty of younger siblings. My own 4-year-old was quite happy at home and she would never have sat still anyway. And yes, everyone had a camera, except for me, because my son had used up the battery at a school party the evening before. I asked Y if I should find someone to take a picture of us and he said no. So we went home.

Now we can rest for a while until their chumash party. . ., held around Shavuot when the children receive the book of Bereshit (Genesis). It won't be as elaborate--one party is always a big production and the other is low-key.

And it's a good thing I didn't lay out the NIS 65.

Party poopers

Tomorrow is Y's "mesibat siddur" (prayer-book party), a rite of passage for Israeli first graders. They are supposed to have it around Chanukah, when most of the children have mastered reading. I'm not sure what happened.

My philosophy regarding school parties is that the more elaborate the production, the more the children suffer. They've been rehearsing for about eight weeks and Y complains every single day. He doesn't like the boy he's partnered with for their "diklum" (recitation). He tallies up how many gym lessons and recesses he's missed, and expects them to be returned. His weekly geometry lesson hasn't taken place in ages.

He even complains when they don't rehearse, because (he thinks) that means they will have extra rehearsals the next day. When I asked one of the teachers about the all the practice she said they should have started even earlier. And Y seems to be doing okay with the requirements--I can only imagine what it's like for those who are less coordinated.

The schools see the mesibat siddur as a major way of showcasing their school's virtues. If the first-grade parents are impressed, they will rave about it to the parents of incoming first-graders, who are making their decisions just about now.

I can tell you about one parent who is not impressed.

A few days ago we got a long letter outlining guidelines for the party. It's "recommended not to bring younger siblings . . . This is 'quality time' with your child." How is viewing a performance considered "quality time" with one's child, especially when grandparents and older siblings are encouraged to come? Okay, I can see that the younger child could distract attention from the "star." My older daughter, who will be babysitting the "younger sibling," suggested that I stay home and spend quality time with them instead.

We can't take pictures, because it "blocks the view of others." But guess what-- for NIS 65 (about $20) we can order a DVD of the production, along with a professional photograph of the child with his parents. Do I need to tell you that I declined?

To top it all off, my son told me tearfully tonight that he doesn't want to go, because he forgot when to say his line. I promised him someone would cue him, but it didn't help. We'll speak to the teacher tomorrow morning (bli neder--really!).

Party report