Questions to Ask When Choosing a School for Your Children

We're approaching the time of year when parents make decisions about schools for their children. With the oldest, some parents believe they will find the perfect school. But it's much more likely that they will have to make compromises. This post, geared toward choosing an elementary school, will help you think about the issues.

How to find information:

• Ask parents with children in the school. Keep in mind that their information will be biased. Once children are settled in a school, parents sometimes need to justify their decision to themselves and may minimize issues. They may also have an interest in encouraging parents to send to their school. And not all parents are equally aware of a school's internal problems.
• Ask parents who chose to send to different schools. I find that you can learn the most from parents who had children in a school you are considering, but pulled them out or chose a different school for subsequent children. Of course, such parents have their own biases. Sometimes they blame a school for issues that it could not control.
• Talk to teachers, volunteers, and others who have interaction with the schools. Do they have biases too? You bet.
• The school itself. Go to the open house for prospective parents, read its literature and website, visit classes, and schedule a meeting with the principal. A school may gloss over problems, but it's important to see how it presents itself to prospective parents.

Below are suggestions of questions to ask. You won't want to ask every question to every school, but you need to decide what matters to you. As you talk to other parents, you will get more ideas.

Technical concerns

• Location. Don't discount convenience. An extra hour of commuting is hard on the whole family and adds cost--make sure it's worth it. Or it may be a convenience, because it means less babysitting time. If your child will travel on a school bus, check that there is appropriate supervision and safety measures including seat belts and insurance.
  
• Facilities. Is the school clean, including the bathrooms? Is there room outside to play? Ask about a library, computers, and sports facilities.
• School schedule. Find out about half-days, afterschool programs, and extra-curricular activities.
  
• Fees. Include tuition, insurance, school supplies, meals, transportation, gifts for staff, and class activities. Ask if there are scholarships and how they are distributed.
  
• Class setup. How many kids are in a class? If there is more than one class in a grade, how are they divided? Will the class stay together, or are they redistributed each year? Are classes split up for certain subjects and if so, are they split randomly or by level?

General Concerns

• Violence, "behavior" problems, and learning issues. Despite strict admission standards, there will be kids who hit or disrupt class. You need to learn how the school deals with these issues. What is their policy regarding violence--and is the policy followed consistently? Can the school accommodate children with learning disabilities or giftedness? If the school employs a counselor or psychologist, how often are they present?
• Access. How easy is it to reach the school and talk to staff and are they pleasant? I've encountered schools that don't answer the phone, making me wonder how I could reach my child in an emergency.
  
• Atmosphere. How do you feel when you are in the school--tense or calm? What is happening in the halls--are kids running around or working quietly? Listen to the way the administration speaks with staff, and the staff with students. Is the principal or vice-principal on-site and accessible?
  
• Student body. How diverse is it? Even parents who value exposure to other lifestyles and cultures may draw the line at their child being the "only one" in a particular category. Will your child know anyone in his or her class? It's not necessary for a child to go with a large group but it helps to know one or two children from before. Are you comfortable with the parents in the school?
• Staff. Is recess well-supervised? What happens when a teacher can't come and a substitute isn't available? What are the teachers' qualifications? Do teachers send their own kids to the school? In a religious school, find out whether the school's outlook match that of the teachers and parent body.
  
• Management and organization. Look for a school where the staff works together, with the administration in control. Are parents notified of events well in advance, and if so, do the dates stick?
  
• Gender equality. If the school has separate classes for boys and girls, are there differences in class hours, facilities and curriculum?
• Curriculum. Find out what kids are learning, at all grade levels, and with what texts. How many teachers does the child see each week? Ask how much homework is expected per grade level? What methods are used and how are special needs accommodated?
  
• Graduates. Where do most of the students continue their studies?
• Admission standards. Who is admitted into the school? If there is testing, who administers it and are the tests used for any other purpose? Sometimes, standards are lowered for younger siblings of current students. This is one area where the school may not tell you the whole story.
  
• Does the school suit your child? You might prefer a prestigious school, but the child would suffer from too much academic pressure. A school that is right-wing religiously could create a conflict for a child whose family is less observant than the school standard.
  

So loyal readers, what is important to you when choosing a school? Let me know what I forgot.

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Petach Tikva: Election Issues

In light of my previous post, Lion of Zion asked about the issues in the upcoming municipal elections.

We will cast two ballots this Tuesday, one for the local council (27 seats) and another for mayor. This year 159,000 residents have voting rights, beginning at age 17. The incumbent mayor, Itzik Ohayon, has overseen tremendous development in the city, but the other four candidates claim his candidacy has been a bastion of corruption and cronyism. When a mayor is involved in so many decisions about building, transportation, and development, there are going to be a lot of complaints, and worse.

According to Wikipedia, Petach Tikva's population grows at an annual rate of 2.4%.

One supporter advising a storekeeper to vote for O'Hayon told me to vote for him too. "But of course you will," he added, when he noticed my religious dress. It's true that the National Religious Party (NRP or Mafdal in Hebrew) and Aguduah (Ashkenazi haredim) are supporting O'Hayon, who has close ties with the religious community.

Campaign "Ushpizin" sign for the Sukkah

When the NRP's long-time leader resigned in a surprise move, "outsider" Moti Zaft was appointed to take over. This breathed new life into the campaign, leading most of the community's rabbis, along with school principals from both the public and private religious schools, to support the party. However, a letter in our mailbox signed by "private school parents" objected to Zaft's appointment.

The NRP's main competition comes from a private individual who ran five years ago and got one seat. The NRP protested when representatives of this party known "Anachnu Maaminim bePetach Tikva" (We Believe in Petach Tikva) kept their positions in the governing body of the local NRP, despite campaigning against the party. Zaft said in an interview in the local religious paper that because of this he refused to sign a vote-exchange agreement (in which loose votes from both parties can be combined to give one of the parties an extra seat). But my son said that other parties also chose not to sign such agreements, because experts consider it poor strategy.

Every Friday and erev chag since Sukkot, cars blasted up and down the streets playing the theme song to the tune of "Anachnu maaminim bnei maaminim." My seven-year-old received the above poster outside his school, and the NRP distributed Simchat Torah flags in synagogues. At a public religious school function the head of the parents' committee reminded everyone to cast a ballot for the NRP.

A couple we know had agreed to support the leader of Anachnu Maaminim until learning that Moti Zaft, a close friend, would be running with the NRP. They found themselves in an uncomfortable position and unable to campaign for either party.

In national elections, the National Religious Party gets more votes from Petach Tikva than from any other city except for Jerusalem. The city has large secular and haredi populations as well.

As in the national political scene, the NRP has lost some power in Petach tikva. Despite the chain of daycare centers run by its women's branch Emunah, young couples did not flock to the ballot boxes in the last election. At least they didn't vote for the NRP, which received only three seats instead of the customary five. But a strong NRP is the only way to guarantee continuing support for religious Zionist education in the city.

Below are random snippets from the campaign.

• Shas is expected to do well.
• One of the liberal candidates said he would work to change the "status quo" regarding Shabbat observance. A representative of one of the religious parties responded that this was just a way to stir up trouble, as there is not enough secular power to make changes.
  
• Meretz party put up posters including a quote from a haredi newspaper, bragging that "Petach Tikva will become Bnei Brak."
• One of the five mayoral candidates is the head of the local branch of Zehavi, an organization that works to get benefits for large families. Coincidentally, his last name is Zehavi. He was active in the new law guaranteeing free library cards for all.
• One issue mentioned by several campaigns is lack of space for synagogues.
• The city lacks a religious boys' high school, as opposted to more expensive and exclusive Talmud-oriented yeshiva high schools. Many boys travel out of the city. Unfortunately a "plain" religious boys' school can quickly become a receptacle for anyone having problems in the yeshiva high schools.
• Environmental issues are getting a lot of press.
  
• Smaller parties include a women's rights party, an anti-haredi green party, a party to represent weaker neighborhoods, and one whose motto is simply to provide a "maaneh," or response, for all residents, on every subject and with every problem.

Well, you asked.

Meet Tal and Talia

On Orthonomics a guest post about Orthodox homeschooling generated the following comment by "l":
See the rest of this post at my new location, A Mother in Israel.Com

A High School in Israel

[Haveil Havalim is up at Shiloh Musings.]

My daughter entered ninth grade this year. This year she has "the best teacher and the best class." She was able to request a number of friends, and they'll be together for the next four years.

Her school has six grades, each with about eight classes of thirty girls. The six grades are divided into three batim (lit. houses), each with its own building, vice-principal, secretary, advisor, and two teachers who serve as grade-level coordinators.

The school operates several large volunteer projects:

1. All ninth graders volunteer in a public gan (kindergarten) once a week. My daughter catches a van from school at 7:30 to take her across town, where she assists the teacher for two hours. Girls coming from out of town, like the ones in my younger daughter's gan, volunteer close to the school so they don't have to commute twice. They gave the girls (unfortunately bright green) t-shirts so they will be recognized. Good marketing, so long as I don't have to wear that color.
   
2. The school runs a country-wide organization to collect used appliances and furniture and redistribute them to the needy. Seventh-graders work in the warehouse; during the summer my daughter took a few shifts answering the phone to schedule pickups.
3. Students volunteer in the special-education gan right on school premises. My daughter hasn't worked there yet, but girls in her class have.
   

The school is handicapped accessible, has an ethnically heterogeneous population (Jewishly speaking), and boasts the third highest bagrut (matriculation exam) scores in the country, after two secular schools in Haifa. It discourages graduates from enlisting in the army but many still do (my daughter isn't interested).

When my kids were younger someone told me that I would be happier with the girls' schools in Israel than the boys'. The girls don't have the pressure of gemara (Talmud), leaving little time for anything except the bagrut requirements.

[I tried to stay positive all the way through.]

More on schools and mixed dancing

When I told a friend about this (be sure to click on the comments), she argued that it was "chutzpah" for parents to send their children to yeshiva tichonit and then host a bar mitzvah with mixed dancing. She maintained that mixed dancing is on the fringe of Orthodox social behavior. I don't know that she's correct, especially regarding sephardi circles. But I do believe that sending to a school with significantly different religious standards than the home can cause conflict in the children, and this choice can ultimately backfire. This is true whether the school's standards are higher or lower than the home's, but parents only seem interested in schools that are "frummer." It's like they want to make up for what they are lacking.

Anyway, let's say such parents do want a school with a strict religious standard or a high level of Jewish studies. Does the school try to accommodate them? They could set guidelines for the parents upon admission (i.e. cover hair at school pickup, no mixed dancing at the bar mitzvah) or accept them without qualification. Or do they send parents away, in order to keep the student population homogeneous? Schools choosing the latter option seem to get a higher level of applicants, at least outside of Jerusalem.

Tolerance in the Religious Zionist Community

On Ynet, Yael Mishali writes about meeting with the parents and teachers of her son's seventh-grade class at the yeshiva high school Nechalim. One mother asked that the yeshiva officially oppose mixed dancing at bar mitzvah celebrations, so that the boys can avoid temptation. The mother asserted that mixed dancing is not in the "spirit of the yeshiva." 

Mishali dislikes the mother's superior tone. She goes on to describe the various ways she has seen parents send the message that families less stringent in some areas are inferior and should not be associated with. This could be because the mother doesn't cover her hair, they watch Power Rangers, or even that the family waits "only" three hours between meat and dairy. She has watched as parents set up "torani" ganim (kindergartens) and schools, requiring strict levels of kashrut certification and more religious studies (she mentions requiring learning parshat shavua (weekly Torah portion) with Rashi's commentary -- in gan). 

She ends by saying that she chose this yeshiva because it did not require a stringent dress code for parents. She suggests that the mother in question teach her child to avoid temptation instead of expecting others to accommodate him. He'll be meeting these challenges in the real world, and temptations of all types abound even in the most stringent yeshiva environment. 

It's distressing to see our community focus on subtle differences and use them to exclude others. In one elementary school interview, a neighbor's suitability was questioned because the husband studied in Yeshivat Har Etzion (considered the left of the political/religious spectrum). Do we need different (elementary!) schools for children of parents who want their children to attend Har Etzion, and those who aspire toward Merkaz Harav?

Thanks to Jameel and Rafi, who each sent me the link.

Interview: A Christian Mother in Israel

Melissa, originally from England, lives in Nazareth with her Christian-Arab husband and their six children. She graciously answered my questions by email.

Melissa, where were you born? I grew up in St. Albans, Hertfordshire, a small city about 40 minutes drive north of London. 

What did you know about Israel when you were growing up? I really knew very little. I knew that there were kibbutzim in Israel and was always fascinated by them. I vaguely remember hearing about unrest in the Middle East on the news but like most people in England, I knew little about the political situation.

How did you meet your husband? My first experience of Israel was as a volunteer on a kibbutz. I loved it. I really enjoyed the whole kibbutz way of life and had loads of fun. I went back to England to complete my RN training and decided to come back to the kibbutz when I finished and stayed there another six months. I discovered the Nazareth Hospital (locally known as the English Hospital) and worked as a staff nurse on the surgical ward. I thought it would be a great experience to work in such a different culture, and it was. Three months later I met my husband when his father was a patient on my ward. We went out on a date and I remember thinking, "I'm gonna marry this guy!"

How has your family adjusted to your move? My parents were up in arms when I told them I was marrying an Arab. I think they imagined that I would end up like Sally Field in that movie (forgotten the name of it!) fleeing across the borders in a burka. . . . But after they came here, met my husband and experienced the culture they realized that their fears were unfounded. It's amazing how ignorant Europeans and Americans are about this culture; I was myself. I didn't even know that there were Arab Christians until I came here.

Can you tell my readers about the Christian Arab community? The Christian Arab community is smaller than the Muslim Arab community. We really need to have more babies . . . I'm trying to start a trend (that was a joke!!). Most Christians (although NOT ALL) are affluent and well-educated. Society is pretty much segregated into Christian and Muslim areas, although mixed neighbourhoods are on the increase now due to new housing projects.

Are you affected by conflict between Muslim and Christian Arabs?  There is conflict.Violent incidences do occur, not every day, but it does happen. Personally, I feel very safe in Nazareth. I look European so I do get stared at, and get mistaken for being Russian or Romanian. But you know . . . Arabs are genuinely warm people and always willing to help in any way, especially if you are foreign.

Can you tell us a bit about the position of women in the Christian Arab community? One American lady who came here in the mid-seventies told me that women didn't even drive. Most people imagine that if you are married to an Arab you are probably locked away with his twenty other wives. Of course for most women (not all) the opposite is true.  Education is very important in this society, perhaps even more so for girls nowadays. Most girls are expected to go to university or at least have a qualification in something, it's almost embarrassing not to. Many women in the Christian Arab community are highly educated with masters and Ph.D's. Having said that, regardless of education women are still expected to fulfill the traditional role of housewife and mother. There are exceptions; my husband lived in LA for 12 years so he has changed a few nappies in his time (although not THAT many!) but generally speaking you won't find many men pushing buggies down the Highstreet in Nazareth.

How old are your children? What kind of school do they attend? I have six children, 2 boys and 4 girls. Fadi (10), Sam (9), Lily (7), Lizzy (5), Isabel (2) and Alice (8 months). The four older ones attend a private, mainly Christian school. Everything is taught in Arabic. They start learning English in second grade and Hebrew in third. It's difficult to get your children into a private school, they can be picky. Also the kids are under quite a bit of pressure to get good grades. As I mentioned before, education is very important in this society. 

Have you picked up Hebrew or Arabic? I do speak Arabic although not very well, and some Hebrew.

What has been the biggest culture shock for you? The biggest culture shock is how close-knit everyone is. Most families build their houses on top of one another so you end up with all your in-laws in one block, which results in everyone being in everyone else's business. Lack of privacy can be a bit annoying for a reserved Brit. When we first got married, I considered it outrageous that my parents-in-law would ask me where I was going whenever I went out alone. You have to be assertive and set boundaries if you want any privacy. With regard to Israeli society in general, I think the lack of order is the biggest culture shock, and the lack of manners. My husband used to laugh at me whenever he saw me waiting patiently for my turn while people just stepped in front of me. I think I've learned to be a bit ruder now!

In your blog, you mention an expatriate community. There are many expats in Nazareth including Americans, Swiss, British, and South African, mostly married to Christian Arabs. We all come from different backgrounds with different stories. It's funny how we have all come together in this particular place and have similar experiences with the culture here.  It hasn't been easy living here over the past 11 years. Some things do still drive me mad, but I really consider it a privilege to be part of such a rich culture. Whenever I go back to England now it's like another huge culture shock over there!!! 

Melissa, I enjoyed your perspective on life here. Thank you for sharing.

Private vs. Public Transportation Costs

Commenter Tamiri from Elkana wrote about her school-bus situation in the Israel section of the forum Imamother.com. She gave me permission to post an edited version.

We have a son going into 8th grade. With no boys' school here, boys must attend school outside the yishuv (settlement) beginning in 7th grade. The moetza (local council) covers busing for boys who go to school in Nechalim or Petach Tikva. Otherwise, parents are on their own. Our son's school is in Ramat Gan. 
Bussing costs NIS 720/month, or about NIS 35/day. Last year we paid NIS 625. This sum is over and above the tuition we pay, ~NIS 700/month plus books etc. [MiI: NIS 700 is a bargain for boys these days. 900-1500 is common.]

Last year we paid for this luxury busing. This year, we are reluctant.  This seems to be an inordinate amount of money to be spending on one child. 

Tamiri goes on to explain that she can find a slightly less convenient arrangement where he can take the public bus for NIS 6/day. In the end, she found a teacher from the school willing to drive the boys in exchange for sharing the cost of gas. (The driver could not charge more without having liability insurance.)

We have a similar situation regarding hasa'ah (private bussing) for my 7th-grader costing NIS 370/month, or double what the local bus costs. (We live much closer to school than Tamiri.) When my oldest son attended there had been several recent bus bombings, and we sent him on the private hasa'ah (transportation). If he missed the hasa'ah, he had to pay for the local bus anyway (we don't drive them). So he took the public bus beginning in 8th grade. This meant that he needed to walk 10-15 minutes from the bus stop to school, with the option of catching a second bus to school in a downpour (I doubt he ever did). When the school had a program late at night (popular in Israel) when we would not want him taking the bus, the hasa'ah made a special trip. So we would have to drive him or arrange a carpool.

Fortunately my 7th-grader loves public busses and readily agreed to use the public bus; he already found an eighth-grade neighbor to travel with.

From your education correspondent in Tel Aviv

"I'm a blogger," I told the young woman who asked for my name and ID at the press conference Sunday morning at the Likud Party Headquarters.
The woman smiled.(
I guess she knew that already. . .

There I was, with Rafi, Carl, RivkA and her husband Moshe. [Lurker must have been lurking too much; I didn't see him.] Scouting the room for Hebrew bloggers I found Anat and Dalia, who cover education for the site Avodah Shechorah. "Avodah Shechorah" means black labor, or getting down to the nitty gritty. The site advocates for Israel to become a welfare state, which is not exactly in line with Bibi's economic goals. But the topic today was education.

Bibi made a special point of greeting the bloggers. I had a better view than at NBN. About twenty journalists attended but more were clearly expected.

Bibi is running for prime minister as head of the Likud, and in honor of the new school year he presented the Likud party's education plan.

His main points:

• As prime minister he would make education a priority, equal in weight to security and the economy. He would head an "education cabinet" and give full authority to the education minister, just as Sharon gave Bibi as economic minister.
  
• Only education can close the vast socio-economic gaps in Israel. Wealthy parents can hire tutors to overcome a weak system, while the poor are left behind. The number of years spent in school affect income and employment more than the parents' education or socio-economic status.
• The level of Israeli students has declined by all measures, despite additional sums invested in education. Israel spends an average amount of money per student, yet our international test scores scrape bottom.
• He studied the successes and failures of other countries, claiming that this method worked when he [supposedly] brought the Israeli economy back from the verge of collapse in the early part of the decade.
  
• His plan focuses on teacher quality, the most important factor in a child's success.
  

How does Netanyahu plan attract good teachers to the educational system?

1. Carefully screen candidates and raise the standards of acceptance. He pointed out that doctors and psychologists require years of training and are not well compensated (in Israel), yet because of prestige spots are still in demand.
   
2. Invest in these high-quality teacher students by providing a high level of pedagogical and academic skills and knowledge.
3. Continue to train new teachers on the job, pairing them with more experienced mentors. Build support for new teachers within the system.
   
4. Raise salaries, but don't count on that alone. France and Australia, respectively, doubled and tripled teacher salaries with no visible improvement in performance.
   

Teachers, what do you think? Is it possible, in theory and in practice, to raise the level of prestige and professional satisfaction within the teaching profession?

Netanyahu presented the five main points of his plan:

1. Tovim lehoraah--the best students go to education (as outlined above). Increase salary and professional training.
2. Give administrators independence and authority, train them in management, and make them accountable for the results.
3. Intervene quickly to assist weak students, especially in the early years. Keep track of progress and address problems the day they are discovered; the next school year is probably too late.
   
4. Return to core subjects. Israeli students spend 56% of their classtime, as opposed to 93% in OECD countries, on reading, writing, literature, math, science, foreign language, history and citizenship.
5. Return values to education: Citizenship, democracy, respect for teachers and principals, zionism and moreshet yisrael (Jewish tradition), and discipline. He spoke about the danger of anti-Israel sentiments in our schools.
   

RivkA asked about cheating. [I was also wondering how Bibi planned to bring discipline back to informal Israeli "zeh lo fair" classrooms.] Bibi said that you need to develop a framework of personal responsibility and accountability. He didn't specify how he would accomplish this.

A reporter asked about the charedim, who recently won the right for their schools to be exempt from core subjects. Bibi replied that we must work within the political reality, and added that even now more charedim and Arabs, including Arab women, are entering the workforce.

I asked about the wisdom of implementing new reforms so soon after the recent Dovrat reforms (now known as Ofek), which aroused strong objections from teachers. He replied that the teachers' union asked him the same question. He plans to uphold with the positive elements of those reforms, and not make change for its own sake. I was hoping he would be more specific, but he only mentioned the renewed emphasis on Zionist education as lacking in Ofek.

Carl and Rafi have included more detail in their posts. RifkA has so far posted only about the logistics of her morning.

AddeRabbi posted his take on the plan, pointing out that Bibi did not bring up the issue of private schools. This concerns me too and I wish I had asked about it. I have read some of AddeRabbi's posts on the private school system in Israel. As I understand it, he believes that parents choose private schools because of supposedly higher educational standards. But Israeli parents, at least in the religious sector, will choose exclusivity over education every time. This holds true from the most modern Orthodox to the most haredi. (According to my husband, parents see schools as a club for parents.)

Bibi mentioned drawing good teachers to development towns and other poorer areas, but if he said how he plans to do this, I missed it. Funneling more educational resources to the lower socioeconomic sectors is a good idea. Because from where I sit, "protekzia" and exclusivity are the name of the educational game.

Things I Hate About School

This is another guest post of Daughter In Israel, special for the end of the school year. [MiI: You can find the first one here.] If you are a teacher, please do not be offended, but see this post as advice for things you shouldn't be doing in the coming school year and may be the reason students don't like you. [ProfK mistakenly thought that I wrote the previous sentence; DiI did.]

So here are most of the reasons I don't like school:

• Teachers who make you feel guilty for pointing out their mistakes/giving a right answer. (Did you hear what DII said? She said that....It's very important, right, DII?)
• Teachers that say the misbehaving class isn't acting its age. (I feel like I'm in...elementary school teachers:gan/ganon /first grade. high school teachers:elementary school)
• Teachers that don't turn a ninety-nine into a hundred.
• Teachers that threaten to take off points if you won't do your homework and don't even bother checking it.
• Teachers that think they're funny also when they tell the same "joke" for the tenth time.
• Teachers that get insulted if you don't treat them as friends.
  
• Ending school at 4:00 p.m. almost every day.
  

"Your daughter is smart, but you don't have to worry"

Our friends recently met their 15-year-old daughter's teacher at the semi-annual parent-teacher conference. The daughter attends a religious Zionist girls' high school, whose matriculation scores regularly rank it among the top three schools in the country.

The teacher told them, "Your daughter is smart, but you don't have to worry. She's not so smart that she'll have a problem getting a shidduch."

This is wrong on so many levels. The teacher is employed by a school, yet she places a low value on women's intelligence, and by extension, education for girls. She assumes that most men feel the same way. And my friends are not looking for a son-in-law for their ninth-grader.

The teacher's statement reflects another common attitude toward intelligence that has nothing to do with sexism: It's just not good for children to be too smart. So when coming across a highly intelligent child some people feel they must minimize that trait, or make a comment about the child's social skills. It's as if they hope to prevent the negative consequences of being so smart, which include not finding anyone to marry and becoming a maladjusted adult.

Quality time

In the end my husband and I did spend quality time with our son at the siddur party, because he sat with us in the stands while we watched his classmates perform. He sang along and explained to us what was happening on stage, like when the girls danced into the number "60" for sixty years of Israeli independence, and the girl with a cast who used only one pompom. I would have missed that.

The teacher was completely "beseder" and did not pressure him at all to participate (unlike his mother, who kept offering to take him down to join the others).

Overall the production was well done. It lasted two hours, including a few speeches. Most of it had to be choreographed and Y said he didn't enjoy the moves they had to learn. One of the songs was accompanied by a percussion concert, and Y played along on his seat. He was supposed to play the darbuka.

The kids looked they were having a good time, so perhaps they did not feel pressured by all of the rehearsals.

The other boy did the "diklum" (recitation) by himself. I mentioned to Y that he looked okay to me. Y said, "You should see what he does in school."

They showed two video clips that included close-ups of all the children. One had the first-grade boys in the synagogue praying from the siddur, taking out the Torah, and even reciting the priestly blessing (my son is a kohen). The girls' video was intended to introduce the theme of Shabbat. So after viewing the boys in the synagogue praying from their new prayer books and reading the Torah, the girls were shown cooking and cleaning (and lighting candles) for Shabbat.

Another speaker referred to all the male dignitaries using first and last names, but first names only for female ones. Fortunately I was able to point this out to his wife, who was sitting in front of me.

And yes, there were plenty of younger siblings. My own 4-year-old was quite happy at home and she would never have sat still anyway. And yes, everyone had a camera, except for me, because my son had used up the battery at a school party the evening before. I asked Y if I should find someone to take a picture of us and he said no. So we went home.

Now we can rest for a while until their chumash party. . ., held around Shavuot when the children receive the book of Bereshit (Genesis). It won't be as elaborate--one party is always a big production and the other is low-key.

And it's a good thing I didn't lay out the NIS 65.

Party poopers

Tomorrow is Y's "mesibat siddur" (prayer-book party), a rite of passage for Israeli first graders. They are supposed to have it around Chanukah, when most of the children have mastered reading. I'm not sure what happened.

My philosophy regarding school parties is that the more elaborate the production, the more the children suffer. They've been rehearsing for about eight weeks and Y complains every single day. He doesn't like the boy he's partnered with for their "diklum" (recitation). He tallies up how many gym lessons and recesses he's missed, and expects them to be returned. His weekly geometry lesson hasn't taken place in ages.

He even complains when they don't rehearse, because (he thinks) that means they will have extra rehearsals the next day. When I asked one of the teachers about the all the practice she said they should have started even earlier. And Y seems to be doing okay with the requirements--I can only imagine what it's like for those who are less coordinated.

The schools see the mesibat siddur as a major way of showcasing their school's virtues. If the first-grade parents are impressed, they will rave about it to the parents of incoming first-graders, who are making their decisions just about now.

I can tell you about one parent who is not impressed.

A few days ago we got a long letter outlining guidelines for the party. It's "recommended not to bring younger siblings . . . This is 'quality time' with your child." How is viewing a performance considered "quality time" with one's child, especially when grandparents and older siblings are encouraged to come? Okay, I can see that the younger child could distract attention from the "star." My older daughter, who will be babysitting the "younger sibling," suggested that I stay home and spend quality time with them instead.

We can't take pictures, because it "blocks the view of others." But guess what-- for NIS 65 (about $20) we can order a DVD of the production, along with a professional photograph of the child with his parents. Do I need to tell you that I declined?

To top it all off, my son told me tearfully tonight that he doesn't want to go, because he forgot when to say his line. I promised him someone would cue him, but it didn't help. We'll speak to the teacher tomorrow morning (bli neder--really!).

Party report

A golden mind, a golden heart, a golden tongue

Riveting. Moving. Inspiring. Such is the documentary A Lonely Man of Faith produced by Ethan Isenberg. The golden mind, heart, and tongue belonged to Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveichik, known to his students simply as the Rav.

The highlights of the film for me:

• The early influence of the Rav's mother. The film emphasized her love of secular knowledge and only hinted at her real contribution -- the emotional warmth the Rav's strict father could not provide.
• The Rav's emphasis on higher learning for women, by insisting on teaching the first Talmud class for women at Stern College. Maimonides, the Boston day school he founded, had mixed classes through high school because the Rav feared that separate classes would lead to inferior education for girls.
• His support of the State of Israel, secular education, and cooperation with the non-Orthodox (on issues affecting the entire community), causing a rift between modern Orthodoxy and the Yeshiva world that has not been repaired.
  
• The Rav's combination of a love of learning, personal integrity, and an emphasis on ethics and morality including business ethics. He believed that the goal of learning Torah and doing mitzvot is to lift us to a higher moral level. Too often they are seen as the ends in themselves.
  
• The discussion of faith that he brought into modern-day consciousness. He was disturbed by those who asked, "What can religion do for me?" instead of "What does God want from me?"
  
• His unique and well-trained mind--head and shoulders above any other -- combined with unusual sensitivity, oratorical genius, and levelheadedness -- placed him, arguably, as the savior of the precarious American Orthodoxy that existed when he arrived in the 1930's.
• The Rav's personal and professional challenges.
• The unfortunate lack of a successor, or even a clear legacy, because every decision occurred in a specific context that cannot be reproduced.

I only mention a small portion of the vast material that the producers managed to include in an hour and a half. Even though it ignored or glossed over many negatives, A Lonely Man of Faith made me proud to call myself modern Orthodox and a religious Zionist.

My response to Rachel

New immigrant Rachel is undergoing culture shock on behalf of her children.

A friend once told me that I do my children a grave disservice by delaying their attendance in gan until they are 3, 4 or 5. She claimed that they need the gan experience in order to develop that tough exterior so useful in Israeli society. I don't know if she's right or not, but every action involves a tradeoff. If you only associate with American families, they will not learn Hebrew as quickly nor the ins and outs of Israeli society. And Israeli culture has positive values such as love of the land, close extended families, and less materialism. Even "protektzia" is positive when you are the beneficiary.

Rachel raises three specific issues.

1. Neglect and benign abuse that are considered normal. Stick by your American standards regarding safety issues. Make sure the mother giving your kid a ride puts a seatbelt on him, and isn't planning to leave the house when he is visiting. Check who is supervising your kids' school trips and youth activities. Some parents will give you a hard time, but others will thank you even if it's only in their "hard" (as my 4yo puts it). Schools are allowed to release kids after 12:45 (not sure from what age, but definitely upper elementary grades) without notifying the parents. Your kids have to know what to do in that situation.
   
2. Junk food. I've gathered that junk food is also a huge problem in the US. I've given up this battle for the most part, I'm sorry to say. My first-grader's classmates are constantly reminded not to bring junk, but the quantity given out at school makes up for this. I still control what I buy, but not always what comes into the house. My 4yo told a playgroup mother that we had had homemade pareve ice cream with food coloring and chemicals on Shabbat. In reality, a guest had brought cookies filled with colored gel. My kids know what's healthy and why we don't buy certain things.
   
3. Manners. When we see others push into line, we can explain to our children how it feels to be pushed and the prohibition against "gezel zman" (stealing the time of others). Saying thank you and you're welcome is important. However, our ultimate goal is for children to feel gratitude and be sensitive to others. I don't insist that my children use these words, but hope they will follow my example. And they generally do. But that is more about my parenting approach than cultural difference.
   

Here are more tips on keeping kids close.

• Send them to gan as late as possible. Less junk food and bullying, fewer parent meetings and birthday parties--what more could you want?
• Look for like-minded parents, including Israeli ones. Find people who will teach you about the system, in order to understand and influence it.
  
• Focus on the positive--both in your children and in Israeli life. Israel has improved in many areas such as safety awareness and handicapped access.
  
• Limit the amount of time your kids spend with friends and get to know the parents. Remember that just because someone is American doesn't mean they have the same values and standards as you.
  
• Invest time in building up a support network for your family.
• Depending on where you live, you may be exposed to a much wider variety of cultural experiences and mindsets than you were in the US. The parents who are unaware of safety issues may have grown up in a home where those issues were not on the radar screen.
  
• Limit time spent in gan, daycare and afterschool programs, hugim (afterschool activities), and youth groups, and stay on top of what happens there.
  
• Let your kids know why you do things differently, without criticizing other parents. Their approaches may be valid, especially in a different cultural system.
  
• Be realistic and avoid stereotypes. Are kids in American dayschools always welcoming to new kids? Do teachers always have complete control of the class? Do all American parents put their kids in seatbelts every single time?
  
• Teach children to respect their own individuality and that of others. Give them the confidence to withstand negative social pressure.
  

How to raise kids in a place where neglect is normal (!?)

In response to my recent post about neglectful parents, Rachel writes:

I just moved to Israel and I'm shocked that what I consider neglect and benign abuse is considered normal. And not doing it puts you in the category of "freier" [sucker] (which I consider a compliment because it is the type of behavior I want). So my question is how to raise a family when all the values that you consider important go against the norm? I want my children to have better supervision. I want them to eat healthy and not eat Bisli all day long. I want them to have manners, respect people, not cut through lines, etc.
It is easy to say to simply do it at home and they will imitate you, but kids spend so many hours in school and with friends. The environment has a huge influence on kids and as much as you want them to have your values it seems that you are the minority in this country.
So, my question again, how do you raise kids to have your values and not society's values?
rachel | 02.10.08 - 5:06 pm | #

Rachel, before I let my readers reply in the comments section, I suggest printing out your question and looking at it again in another ten years.

One of those parenting dilemmas

A neighbor once offered to take care of my baby when I went out. "Don't worry," she assured me. "His crying won't bother me." Since I don't ignore crying babies whether they are mine or not, I didn't agree to watch the neighbor's baby the next couple of times she asked me. I might have enjoyed a reciprocal arrangement, but only if the neighbor shared my parenting style. And I didn't want to provide daycare.

I am finding myself in a similar situation now. My four-year old and I pick up my first-grader, Y, from school each day. On the way home we enjoy a snack in the park, where Y unwinds and tells me about his day. Afterward, the kids play in the nearly empty playground; they've missed each other. I bring along a book or just soak in the "winter" weather.

The other day a boy in my son's class, B, joined us on our walk home. When he realized we were going to the park, he stuck around. He stayed until we left half an hour later, and continued walking with us in the direction of our homes.

Y is not friendly with B, but I happened to meet his mother at the parent-teacher conference. She and her husband own a store, and she has another job besides. I asked her how B gets home, because I had once noticed him wandering around the neighborhood after school. She said that his older brother, who usually finishes school later, takes him home. She said something about B visiting the toy store sometimes.

When I got to school the next afternoon Y was standing with B, who informed me that he was coming to the park with us. I could hardly say no. At the park he told me about his very rich father, how thin cellphones like his are much better than the kind I have, and how his 12yo brother takes a taxi to the parents' store to work there after school, leaving him alone and bored at home. He said that he has a housekey and lets himself in after school. I have no idea how much of this is accurate. He kept asking us when we were leaving the park, and when I said not yet, B left by himself. I didn't want to walk home with him again. Y said that he saw B walk back toward the school, perhaps to meet his brother. If he has to wait for 45 minutes for his brother anyway, I can see why he might prefer the park to the schoolyard.

No one seems to wonder where he is during the hour after school lets out. The thin cellphone never rang. My husband said I should call the mother, but I don't see the point. If he is supposed to be in the schoolyard during those 45 minutes, then she can tell him that he has to stay on school grounds. But if he's supposed to walk home by himself, is it my place to tell her to make sure he goes straight home? Especially to an empty house? And what if he goes against her instructions?

It's not B's fault that he is neglected on his own during the afternoon. He needs warmth and an adult presence. But he's not an orphan, and I'm not a daycare provider. Our school, on the other hand, provides afterschool daycare. Y enjoys the company of B, who is a bit of a clown, but my four-year-old did not appreciate someone else taking Y's attention. And I will cease to enjoy our time in the park if B attaches himself to us every day.

Tomorrow my daughter asked me to come straight home after school, because she will return early with a friend. Maybe if I don't stop in the park for the next few days, B will forget about my family's routine. I'm open to other suggestions.

Update: I told the school counselor that I had seen B wandering around the neighborhood after school. I suggested that he might be better off in the afterschool program. She seemed concerned and promised to look into it. I also mentioned that Y was much happier and she said, "I know."

School challenges and culture clashes

I've lived here seventeen years, but some situations still make me feel like I just stepped off the plane.

Commenter Regular Anonymous asked me to post about dealing with difficult school personnel. I am not the person to ask, because I have problems dealing even with non-difficult school personnel. It's a combination of the language (even though I have fluent Hebrew), the culture, and the fact that I am a nice, quiet American. I can overcome the feeling of intimidation in short bursts, but then I retreat. This causes me no end of difficulty, and not just with schools.

I have a friend whose son's teacher was picking on him. They couldn't accuse the teacher because that would make the situation worse. So they asked an Israeli what to do (you've noticed that native Israelis are experts at getting things to happen in schools). He told them to tell the teacher the following: "We are concerned about our son. He is convinced that you are picking on him, but we are sure that can't possibly be true." It worked like a charm.

If you don't have anyone to advise you, or the problem is complex, consider hiring someone to serve as your advocate and mediate between you and the school. There are social workers and psychologists who will work with the school to solve a child's problem. Sometimes switching schools is the best solution, especially in a private school that may not have interest in, or resources for, expending extra effort.