Meet Tal and Talia

On Orthonomics a guest post about Orthodox homeschooling generated the following comment by "l":
See the rest of this post at my new location, A Mother in Israel.Com

Revisiting the Misgeret, or Is Preschool Necessary

It's bound to happen at one time or another when you are out with your toddler. Your neighbor asks you the question you were wondering yourself earlier that day, as you tried to talk on the phone while your son climbed the bookcase: "Isn't he bored at home with you all day? How old is he again? [Insert any answer here.] Shouldn't he be in a misgeret?"

In honor of my 4-year-old starting gan in a few weeks (we did have an informal two-child playgroup, technically a misgeret I suppose), I share my answers to the suppositions of nosy and rude advice-givers. They don't deserve a reply. But at times we must address concerns of family members, or, more likely, we ourselves need the reassurance.

• "The child needs to get used to being in gan for half the day." Or, "She will be behind academically." When I mentioned to one mother that our three-year-olds would be in gan together the following year, she asked how I could send her when she hadn't been in gan at age two. According to this theory, children need a year in a misgeret to prepare for the next misgeret.
  
• [This one is for late talkers.] "Gan will help him learn to talk." This is just wrong. Children in gan generally spend little time talking one-on-one to an adult. And the less the child communicates through speech, the less verbal attention he is likely to get from teachers. Children develop speaking skills at vastly different ages and unless you have reason to suspect a problem, it's safe to let them develop at their own pace. Gan will not make a huge difference either way.
  
• [For olim] "The child needs to learn Hebrew." Gan-aged, immigrant children still have plenty of time to become fully bilingual. But language is a balance. If your child spends most of her day in a Hebrew-speaking environment, her English vocabulary will be smaller. And vice versa. You can teach him Hebrew yourself, or make playdates with Hebrew-speaking children, to ease the transition. But immigrants to all countries have survived the experience; emotional maturity is more important than language. [My daughter is concerned about this despite more than adequate Hebrew skills.]
  
• "He needs to play with children his own age." I question this assumption "milechat'hilah." The younger the child, the less equipped to compete with others for the attention of adults. Since making aliyah the age of starting group care has lowered, while time spent in care increased. Children learn social skills mainly from their parents, and they can play with other children while parents are present. If all neighborhood children are in gan, they can meet in the afternoon or on weekends. They don't need thirty hours a week away from parents to learn cooperative play. Unfortunately, preschool for fewer hours is unheard of in Israel. (Let me qualify that--I heard of a gan run by the city of Tel Aviv where you can leave a child on a drop-off basis.)
  
• "Immigrant children need to develop a tough, Israeli exterior." (I mentioned this here.) Okay, but at what cost? I read of a doctoral student who spent months observing three-year-olds in an Israeli gan. She reported of a complex social structure that included children bringing treats to appease bullies. The children's teachers remained unaware. When put into such an environment children may learn healthy ways of defending themselves. Others become aggressive, or conversely, withdrawn.
  
• "Aren't you bored?" Mothers are supposed to be doing adult activities, not playing games all day with their children. (See my next point.)
  
• "Do you sit with her?" I get this all the time; they are asking whether I use worksheets or teach letters and numbers. (I visited a highly-recommended gan where three-year-olds did worksheets each day.) The short answer is no; I enjoy a loose daily structure. We read, play, color, go to the park, run errands, do chores, and meet other mothers and children. The children who are interested pick up letters, numbers and even reading. They play by themselves a good deal of the time while I do "adult" things. In turn, I expect frequent interruptions.
  
• "Your child is too shy/aggressive/wild/attached to you/disobedient/spoiled/slow/bossy. It's because you don't send him to gan." Every child develops different and has personality problems challenges, even the ones who attend gan. Who doesn't? But if you keep your child home, you will be blamed for those issues.
  

Over a million American children are being homeschooled for elementary and/or high school. Surely that puts keeping a two-, three-, or four-year-old at home for another year in perspective.

(I wish I didn't need to add this caveat: I am not trying to convince parents to keep their kids out of gan, or quit their jobs. I do wish to support parents struggling with this issue.)

New blog posts can be found at A Mother in Israel.

Subscribe to AMotherInIsrael.com in a reader

Teaching our children: Modeling is not enough

In my post Trusting Our Children, I wrote about things that children learn on their own. So what do we need to teach them?

I hate to disappoint you, but I don't have the answers. I can't, because they will be different for each family. Leora will make sure her children appreciate art and can express anger productively. RivkA's children have learned about physical fitness and coping with chronic illness. Sephardi Lady will emphasize being satisfied with what one has and sticking to a budget. And that is how it should be. Each of these concepts is important, some are essential, but no parent can give them all equal weight. We emphasize the skills and values that are currently part of our lives, taking into account our children's temperaments and inclinations. This is a good thing because it makes us a diverse, vibrant society.

I believe that teaching our children involves several elements. The first is expressed in this quote on education by Rav Yehuda Amital: [Hat tip: Hirhurim]

The greatest educational impact is achieved when the teacher is unaware that he is teaching and the student is unaware that he is learning. This is the meaning of "the Name of Heaven shall become beloved through you" (Yoma 86a) -- a person through his ordinary conduct should bring about a sanctification of God's Name, without even being aware that he is influencing others through his behavior. [Jewish Values, 150-151]

As we all know but often forget, modeling is critical. To quote a book blurb I saw recently, who we are is more important in how our kids turn out than anything else. But it's not enough. We also need to explain to our children what we are doing and why.

Since I just quoted Rav Amital, I'll give an example from our visit to Yeshivat Har Etzion last week (otherwise known as the Gush). To celebrate its 40th anniversary, the yeshiva invited graduates to visit with their families for the day. There were hikes, shiurim and other family activities. At mincha an announcement was made suggesting that parents take a moment to show their children about the beit midrash. Going to the beit midrash every day is a powerful statement, but if children don't understand what happens there, the impact is lessened. We have to interpret the world for our children according to our values.

Here's another example: We model safe behavior by wearing seat belts, and by expecting passengers to do the same. We refuse to drive unless children are properly restrained. But if the children don't understand why we wear seat belts, the first time they go with a friend's mother who says, "If you're sitting in between two people you don't need one," they may wonder whether that mother is right. (Kids get these "deprogramming" messages all the time.) So kids need to know that car accidents can happen anytime and anywhere, and that even a sudden stop can cause serious injury.

This concept also applies equally to Jewish rituals; we can explain that waiting between meat and milk reminds us to be compassionate to animals. Or thoughtfulness: "We need to call Grandma when we get home from the airport so she won't worry about us."

Another aspect of teaching that we tend to neglect is the "how." All too often our kids are away when we do chores and errands. When they are with us we tend to compartmentalize activities, as if quality time must involve kiddie entertainment. Then we resent it when we don't have time for anything else. (That's another post I've been meaning to write.) I find that summer vacation is a good time to teach one or two useful "hands-on" skills.

Below I attempt to categorize the types of things we teach our children. In many cases, setting an example and starting young is all you need, with some reinforcement along the way. This is prescriptive, by the way, not descriptive--I can't claim to have succeeded in passing on all of these to my children to a sufficient degree. Of course, it's hard to know for sure until they reach adulthood. And this list is far from comprehensive:

• Safety issues, like crossing streets and using helmets/car seats/seat belts.
  
• Torah, halacha, prayers, Jewish customs and culture, and Jewish perspectives on big and small questions.
  
• Learning and love of learning; how to find answers; critical thinking.
  
• Hygiene, including washing hands, toilet manners, and bathing. My 4-year-old recently decided she wants to take a shower herself, every day. She even washes behind her ears.
• Health issues, such as food safety and nutrition, exercise, sun protection, normal body function and illness.
  
• Order, caring for objects.
  
• Character traits like compassion, integrity and generosity. I don't believe these can be taught directly, but we can model and discuss them.
  
• Effective ways of expressing emotions and dealing with conflict.
  
• Everyday skills such as home maintenance, financial management and running errands.
• General behavior and manners. Sometimes I wonder whether we teach children to say "thank you" because we want them to feel grateful and show appreciation, or because we want them to be perceived as well-behaved. The answer will determine our response when they behave "badly."
  

Note: Sephardi Lady asked me about learning to talk. To me, speech falls into the category of things that we can trust our children to get on their own. A large group of normal children begin speaking late, and a proper evaluation can help determine which ones need intervention. It can be tricky. When one of my children spoke late, I found helpful information by Dr. Stephen Camarata of Vanderbilt University.

Keeping kids interested in the seder

Received via a community email list:

We'd like to keep our 4- and 6-year-olds alert and excited for as long as possible during the seder. Acting out parts of the haggada has been suggested but we're drawing a blank on how to do this realistically yet without delaying the proceedings too much.
Has anyone out there in Cyberspace done this successfully in previous years? Can you share your ideas?
Also, any idea how to act out the MAKOT (plagues)?

Despite not doing anything unusual at our seder, our kids manage to stay awake. Our oldest set the precedent at his first seder at age 2.5 weeks. My parents were supposed to join us, but they had been in town for the birth and brit and couldn't bring themselves to make a second trip so soon. We declined an invitation to the seder, which was just as well, because our newborn stayed awake for the entire time; my husband and I took turns walking with him.

As for older children, it helps if they have learned about Pesach in advance, and have a pictorial haggadah. I've heard of props and quizzes, but I think the most important thing is to pay attention to them, explain the text on their level, and have them fully participate in every aspect of the seder including serving. After all, the seder is full of all kinds of interesting activities; we just need to point them out.

Another thing that helps: We serve only two courses and generally end by midnight. And don't forget the naps.

Please post any suggestions in the comments.

Preschool Pesach Project: Simplified Haggadah

M., my friend and co-playgroup mother, loves crafts. I thought you might enjoy her latest project.

It started when M. found some "matzah paper" in a store. She cut and folded the thin cardboard, decorated with a matzah pattern, to make the front and back cover of the "haggadah." On the front she wrote, "Happy and Kosher Pesach."

She then helped the little girls, aged 4, make and paste different symbols according to the sections of the haggadah. Our 5 and 6-year-old sons were at her house that day, and helped by writing the "text" in crayon.

The first page contains a foil cup, to illustrate the kiddush (sanctification) on the wine:

To illustrate hand-washing, the girls made hand-prints. The karpas is just painted paper, dipped in a shiny bowl of salt-water:
For maggid, the story of the Exodus that is the centerpiece of the seder, they pasted in a book and wrote "Haggadah shel Pesach." (Pesach haggadah)
Here's the second hand-print and that matzah paper again.

Maror is more painted paper, and korech is a one-dimensional paper sandwich. My son did not want me to post this picture, because his friend misspelled korech by writing it with a koof instead of a kaf. I promised him that I would let you all know the correct spelling (kaf, vav, resh, kaf sofit).
Here's the shulchan aruch (set table, for eating the festive meal); notice the fork and spoon. We also have the tzafun (hidden matzah).
You have to lift up the paper to view the afikoman (hidden matzah eaten for "dessert.")
Here we have another cup to symbolize the wine after Birkat Hamazon (blessing after the meal) and letters cut out from the girls' painted paper that spell out Hallel (songs of praise). My daughter says her cup was red, so we had to compare her hand to the prints to make sure we brought home the right haggadah. We had.

Here she had them paint over a stencil of Jerusalem, that she happened to have lying around. Doesn't everyone?

In case you're as clueless about these things as I am, M made the pages separately (on the clean side of printed pages, of course) and then stapled them back to back, in order, inside the cover.

I thought about writing a post about how to make Pesach if you haven't started yet, but I don't know if anyone would find it useful. Have a good week.